The Top 5 BEST Ways To Get Out of Jury Duty

At least you can wear silly
cloths on your head.

They say it’s called “Jury Doody” because when you get selected all you can say is “Shit happens.” It’s not a fun process. They say you’re “Serving your country”, but let’s be honest here. Comparing you sitting in a courtroom daydreaming about riding a magical narwhal through the ocean and someone serving in the armed forces is a complete joke. If you cannot serve jury duty for a legitimate, but embarrassing reason there are some other things you can do to get out of serving. I’m not recommending you avoid jury duty because they will find you eventually, but here are the top 5 best ways:

5. Pretend you know someone in the trial.

When they ask you if you know any of the lawyers or the defendant or plaintiff just yell out “DAVE???!!!” or some very common name. Take a shot. Who knows? If you hit the mark you’re going home. If you miss, what will they do? Fine you? I should hope not!

JEFF?! IS THAT YOU?!

4. Fall asleep.

They can’t punish you for falling asleep. Passing out can be an honest mistake. It's a sign that you had a rough night and aren’t a suitable juror.

Sorry, I can't do Jury Duty, I'm busy dreaming about having a donkey head while a midget shows me his balls.

3. Vomit.

Usually if you vomit in front of a judge he’ll ask you to excuse yourself. Even if you don’t have a medical condition they can usually exempt you on the basis of mental illness.

Just remember to bring a barfbag.

2. Wink a lot.

Throughout the jury selection process if you wink frequently at one of the lawyers usually the opposing lawyer will notice this and have your creepy ass dismissed.

"Oh I'll be a great juror, your honor! WINK! WINK!"

And the number one best way to get out of jury duty is...

1. VOLUNTEER!

Courts don’t want people who volunteer because it looks suspicious. Why would anyone volunteer for jury duty? It doesn’t make sense. They must be trying to get into a trial for a friend who’s a criminal! Even if there’s nothing nefarious going on, you're still insane for volunteering and most attorneys will not want that type of person on a jury. You’ll be excused and likely asked to never come back ever again.

Then after you volunteer for jury duty you should sign up for corrective shock therapy because you're quite possibly out of your fucking mind... LIKE A FOX!