Ask McFartnuggets: “How Can I Get This Bird To Stop Making Noise Outside My Window?”

At least they're not singing
in the dead of night.

Dear McFartnuggets: 

There is a dang bird outside my window that keeps chirping and singing away at all hours of the day and it’s driving me loco en la cabeza! I tried to go out and kill it, but it’s too damn small to catch or shoot. I can’t get any sleep it’s so fricken loud! What in the hell can I do to silence this demon bird once and for all? -- Manuel from Pensacola

Dear Manuel:

Here’s what you have to do. First get a pair of binoculars and observe the bird. Find out what exact species it is. When you have that, go online and purchase a female bird of that species. When you get the bird in the mail, release it outside your window and that noisy horny bird should finally stop once it’s found a mate. The only problem you might face then is the sound of loud, hardcore bird sex, but I’m guessing that won’t be as bad as a single lonely bird howling and crying to the heavens about how much he can’t get laid. Plus, I think they go to a nest or something so that shouldn’t be a problem. When the female bird lays eggs you may want to collect and move them to another part of town so those bastards can’t grow up to sing outside your window.

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