Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Don’t Hot Women Celebrities Ever Die?”

When drugs aren't involved,
hot women celebrities generally
are immortal til about
40 years old.

Dear McFartnuggets: 

How come hot women celebrities rarely ever die? I don’t want them to, I’m just saying you never really see it. Handsome man celebrities die all the time like Paul Walker, Jonathan Winters, and Roger Ebert, but when was the last really hot woman celebrity who died? Usually by the time they die they’re all old or fat like Anna Nicole Smith. She would never have died in her prime. Marilyn Monroe was probably the last really hot chick to die in her prime. I mean you’ll never see Megan Fox or Natalie Portman die prematurely. Why is it so rare? There has to be reason you never hear of the Victoria’s Secret tour bus crashing off a mountain. -- Stacy from Edgartown, Massachusetts

Dear Stacy:

Yeah I don’t know how Betty White keeps going either. I think you’re not giving enough credit to some of the women who have died after Marilyn Monroe. Aaliyah died when she was young and she was pretty hot, but yeah I get what you’re saying, sort of… The fact of the matter is, hot chicks are really protected by society. We know how valuable they are so we take extra precautions when they’re around, like pro sports teams. The bus driver for the Victoria’s Secret models realizes he cannot crash under any circumstances. Now, if he was driving a bus full of just normal ugly people he won’t feel that same pressure and might have a few more drinks before they set off.

Also, super attractive famous people are pretty rare to begin with. Women take fewer risks, especially ones without a lot to lose like an acting or modeling career. Women also tend to live longer than men and so the longer they live the more time they have to get “old and fat” like Anna Nicole Smith or Shirley Temple, or whoever. When you factor all that together, a super hot famous chick dying is extremely rare. It may seem like hot chicks have superpowers of invincibility, but it’s really only a matter of science and probability.

Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and don’t die.