Ask McFartnuggets: MFK: Benjamin Franklin, A Zombie, and Chester Cheetoh?

I can't kill or have sex
with Ben Franklin, yall.

Dear McFartnuggets: Benjamin Franklin, A zombie, and Chester Cheetoh. You gotta marry one, fuck one, and kill one. What do you do? -- Catherine from Rhode Island

Dear Catherine:

Wow that's a tough one again, but it seems eerily reminiscent of the one where you gave me Darth Vader, a corpse, and Garfield. First there's a respected historical figure, then a lifeless body, then an orange cat. This pattern disturbs me as it leaves me with no good choices. You could throw in a living woman, but then I guess that would make it a lot easier. I see what you're doing here. Fine, I'll play your game.

Clearly I'm not going to bang Ben Franklin. Marrying him is the only choice. I'm assuming you're talking about a living Franklin in his prime so that wouldn't be so bad. It would actually kinda be cool to live with the dude. Who knows what he might invent in today's age.

Now comes the hard part. The zombie. How can you kill something that isn't alive and hoe can you have sex with it without getting bitten? And as far as Chester Cheetoh is concerned, fornicating with that character would just be weird. He seems like a cool cat, but I'm not making love to a cartoon cheetah.

I would have intercourse with the zombie with a Hannibal Lecter mask on. I mean the zombie is wearing the mask, let's not make this weird. The zombie will have the mask on so it can't bite me and while this would probably be a horrific experience that would screw me up for life, I would do it because if I kill Chester Cheetoh then Cheetohs loses some of its appeal and maybe that's a small step toward fighting childhood obesity in America. That's right, I'd fuck a zombie to save children from being fat. Does that make me a hero? Only if I actually do it and I hope I won't.

Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and please, Catherine, calm down.