Ask McFartnuggets: “MFK: Betty White, Santa Claus, And Geoffrey The Toys R Us Giraffe”

Could Betty White be the
real Mrs. Claus?

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Betty White, Santa Claus, and Geoffrey the Toys R Us Giraffe. You have to marry one, fuck one and kill one. What do you do? -- Catherine from Rhode Island

Dear Catherine:

Okay I think this is an easy one for a change. Clearly I can't kill Santa Claus. That would be murdering the dreams of million. I can't marry him because he's already married to Mrs. Claus and I wouldn't want to make trouble for them. They've got one of the longest running marriages in history. So yeah I guess I would have to have sex with Santa. But it's okay because Santa isn't even a human he's pure magic.

I would then marry Geoffrey the Toys R Us giraffe because he's borderline genderless. He may as well not be a male, we see no evidence either way aside from the name. What we do know is it's rich and famous and has access to all the toys it wants. What else can you look for in a spouse?

And yes that means I would have to kill Betty White in this scenario. I don't want to, but it's for the kids. What? You want me to kill Santa or the Toys R Us spokesperson? I can't do that to the children. The unfortunate truth is that Betty White's number is coming up anyway. I wish it weren't true, but she will die eventually whereas the other two entities here will not. That's all I can say about that.

Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and enough, Catherine. Enough!