Ask McFartnuggets: “If Apple Products Are So Good Why Are They Always Updating Them?”

Introducing the new iPod
Plus, now with CT Scan
capability!

Dear McFartnuggets: 

People who use Apple products claim they’re the best because they’re so easy to use and ergonomic and perfect, but if that’s the case why are they always coming out with new ones? Like I understand that you have to progress all the time in business, but people talk about Apple like they’re God and God shouldn’t have to work on improving himself. They’re always coming out with new iPhones that people absolutely have to buy. They’re always coming out with new different sizes of iPads. If their products were so good wouldn’t one be good enough for at least two years? Why would they always keep changing things around? They’re actually coming out with an iPad Air PLUS. So an iPad Air is thinner and lighter than a normal iPad, but that’s not good enough for people so they’re going to make it bigger and make an iPad Aid Plus which may as well be just a normal iPad. Why do these idiots just keep buying this stuff even though it’s basically all the same? -- Stephanie from Baltimore, Maryland

Dear Stephanie:

All the Apple products might seem a little ridiculous, but you have to remember that technology is always making new things possible. Maybe the ideal tablet is the size of a newspaper and just as thin, but right now current technology isn’t able to provide that so they have to incrementally release products that inch closer and closer to that. Maybe in a more sensible world they’d take more time to make greater more efficient leaps in the different models, but since people are willing to pay thousands of dollars for the same thing just a couple centimeters bigger or smaller then it makes business sense to take advantage of that. That’s why you see people with a shopping cart that contains an Apple Watch, an Apple Watch Plus, an iPhone Plus, an iPhone Air, an iPod with added phone capability, an iPhone Nano, and an iPad Air Plus Minus Jumbo Lite. It’s like Mexican food. It’s all just chicken, beef, and pork on a tortilla, but you can arrange that a million different ways all with different names and people will still love it.

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Bizarre TV Ad For National Children’s Dental Health Week

Whoever made this commercial must have been on a little too much nitrous oxide. This really is one of the more random, ridiculous commercials I’ve ever seen in all my years. Judging by the faces of those kids and their mom I’m assuming she sprinkled cocaine in her vagina during labor.

Dumbass Sayings: “I Hope You Die”

Sometimes your wife will run off with your son and before she slams the front door, she looks back and screams “I hope you die!” This is a silly thing to say. You hope I die? You don’t have to hope, it’s going to happen for sure. I’m going to die, you’re going to die, everyone is going to die. You don’t have to hope for things that are inevitable. Hell, I don’t even take it personally. I hope I die too! Eventually. I’m not suicidal, but I think everyone on Earth wants to die one day. Even if you didn’t mind seeing everyone you love die and having to live around the newer and more degenerative cultures that are up and coming in society, eventually the Earth will be destroyed. If you can’t die you’ll just be floating around in space. That would be torturous beyond all comprehension. I mean maybe eventually you’d land on a new planet but odds are it’ll be desolated with no life whatsoever. What the hell are you supposed to do with your time then? At a certain point you wouldn’t even know what time was and you’d just exist as this being on a deserted planet completely out of your mind insane after your brain had eaten itself alive. You’d be an immortal, psychotic savage creature just muttering gibberish to yourself for all eternity. NO THANKS. So yes I hope I die and I think what you mean to say is “I hope you die, while I am still alive so I get to see it and enjoy knowing you’re dead while I’m still alive.” That’s what people really mean and while that is a mouthful at least that makes a little more sense.

If you never die eventually you'll become a skeleton and that makes even the simple act of pooping very uncomfortable.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Is It Legal To Kidnap Babies From Homeless People?”

What to do with hobo babies
is quite the conundrum.

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I always see homeless women with babies on my way to work in the morning and it breaks my heart. They hold their babies in their arms while they go around begging people for money in the cold and the baby looks freezing. I want to kidnap at least one of these babies and donate them to a church or orphanage or something where they can at least have shelter. Is that legal to do? I don’t see people doing it. I’m a little worried someone might stop me, but shouldn’t someone be taking these kids away? Why is it okay to take away a baby that’s being mistreated in a home, but not okay to take away a baby that’s being endangered on the streets? -- Salvatore from Los Angeles, California

Dear Salvatore:

The whole issue with this is that because they’re homeless there’s no real record of what’s going on with these people. It might not even be their baby, no one has a way to know. There are ways to know, but no one really gives a shit. Taking a baby from a homeless woman would still be like taking their property. Even if you do see a homeless personal obviously abusing a child and you have camera footage of it you still need to call the cops in that case. You can’t just go up and snatch the baby away. In a way, the baby of a homeless is like a dog of a homeless. You might think they’re suffering, but that’s just because you’re used to your housed life where you have things so great. When you’re living life on the mean streets, scavenging and begging for food, you can still survive you just end up tougher, and/or maybe a little mentally disturbed. Ultimately you’re the one projecting your views and parenting beliefs on another parent and even if they’re homeless that’s not cool to do unless they’re actually abusing the child. If they’re being a loving hobo parent then there’s no much you can do.

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Dumbass Sayings: “Female Breasts”

Some law firms have commercials on TV telling men that if they’ve used a drug named Risperdol and developed “female breasts” they are entitled to a settlement. What the hell do they mean “female breasts”? If your have things that look like women’s mammaries on your chest and you’re a man then they’re breasts, not female breasts. You don’t need to assign gender to them. Men aren’t supposed to have breasts so automatically any breasts become a concern. Calling them female breasts doesn’t really help anyone. Unless the breasts have tiny vaginas on them then they’re not female. They’re not female breasts if they’re on a man. It’s just that simple. That’d be like having a commercial aimed toward women who took a prescription medication that made them grow a “male penis.” You can just say “penis.” I think they’ll figure out something is wrong.

If you are a man with "female breasts" don't forget your annual checkup.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Can People in Motorized Wheelchairs Get Pulled Over For Drunk Driving?

Most motorized wheelchairs
are heavier than Smart cars.

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I was walking down the sidewalk the other day minding my own business when some guy in a motorized wheelchair going damn near twenty miles an hour nearly ran me over from behind. I could tell he was drunk because he was swerving all over and yelling racial slurs at people. I was going to call the cops, but I wasn’t sure if they could even do anything about it. Can people in motorized wheelchairs be pulled over and arrested by the police for DUI? -- Sven from Detroit, Michigan

Dear Sven:

Because he was driving on the sidewalk that’s technically posing less of a danger than if he was drunk driving on the street. The more similar the vehicle is to a car the more likely you’ll be arrested for drunk driving. People have been arrested for driving drunk on lawnmowers so I think there’s a precedent for the illegality of non-car intoxicated driving. It’s really a judgement call for the cops. I’m sure they could arrest a drunk handicapped or elderly person driving their wheelchair all over the place, but would they want to? These people have it hard enough being handicapped and super old, most people are willing to look the other way and let them just enjoy themselves. You can't really put them in jail. They're basically impervious to the law. Personally, I think they should be subject to the same rules as anyone else because I believe they are just like anyone else. I treat them like "normal" people, but hey maybe that's just me.

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Dumbass Sayings: “Seeing is Believing”

There’s a famous saying that goes “seeing is believing.” This is supposed to mean that if you see something you have no choice but to believe it. The idea is that you should always believe your eyes. Apparently whoever came up with this saying wasn’t aware of the concept of hallucinations. Clearly if you’re having hallucinations whether they be drug or fever induced, you’re going to see a lot of weird shit like goat demons and fiery angels flying around. Now because you see it you might believe it, but that doesn’t give any validity to what you’re seeing. What’s the point in believing something that’s not real? Seeing shouldn’t always be believing. Sure seeing is better proof than hearing, but it’s not 100% proof. Also this saying is just flat out insulting to blind people. If you’re blind and you hear someone say “Seeing is believing” imagine how bad that must make you feel. If you say seeing is believing then you’re basically saying blind people have nothing real to believe in. Any fool can hear that the visually impaired have beliefs. This is just a weird saying because anything is believing if you’re gullible enough. I prefer saying “Tasting is believing.” If you can lick something and taste it, there’s a good chance it’s really happening. If you’re ever in doubt that a situation is reality just give it a good lickin’ to reinforce what the rest of your senses are telling you. Then you’ll have a much stronger foundation on which to base your belief.

I believe this is a half-duck half-rabbit conjoined headed freak.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Is The 5-Second Rule Still in Effect if I Dropped Food in Dog Shit?”

One gram of dog feces contains
over 20,000,000 E. coli cells

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Everyone knows that when you drop food on the ground and pick it up within five seconds it’s safe to eat, but what if I dropped the food outside in a pile of dog poop? A regular floor or ground might have poop particles on it and the five second rule works then, so shouldn’t the same be in effect if I pick the food up quick and wipe the shit off? If I eat it before five seconds shouldn’t that give my body’s immune system enough time to attack the bacteria before it activates and gets too strong? -- J.D. from Santa Fe, New Mexico

Dear J.D.:

No, unfortunately once you get any type of feces on your food it’s instantly contaminated. Poo germs become “activated” the millisecond they touch your food and even if you scrub it off there will still be invisible bacterium. The five-second rule is pretty much a myth. The fact is, most of the time when you drop food on the ground you can still eat it without getting sick, but when you drop it directly into a steaming pile of dog shit it doesn’t matter how fast you pick the food up. When that happens the negative five second rule is in effect where the only way you can eat that food is if you time warp five seconds into the past and stop yourself from dropping it. Since time warping hasn’t been perfected yet, there is no current rule for eating food dropped into dog shit and you should just throw it out.

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