Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Did God Make Testicles So Sensitive?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I got hit in the balls with a hockey puck the other day and when I regained consciousness today I got to thinking, why did G-d make testicles so sensitive? What is the point of that? Why would G-d design man with such an obvious and crippling weakness? How does that help anyone? What is the evolutionary reason for that? If you’re in the wild running from a giant boar and you get hit with a tree limb in the balls, you’ll fall over writhing in pain and that’ll be the end of you. The testicles are the source for the juice of life so why would that bag and balls be made so damn weak? -- Irving from Toronto, Canada

Dear Irving:

I think the reason why testicles are sensitive is pretty obvious. God didn’t give women vagina teeth so the least he could do was give them the ability to kick a man in the ball sack. I think when god was designing people one of the angels in quality assurance mentioned to him that males were a little too overpowered. God needed to add some sort of hindrance to them to balance out the genders. After a few minutes mulling over his options he decided to make testicles a super weak point that could be attacked by anyone in an emergency situation to render the man momentarily incapacitated. Ultimately, testicles are like a panic button for another person to hit when there are no other options. Imagine if testicles were completely impervious to pain. Women would have no other choice but to attack men with weapons and no one wants to have to deal with that. So as inconvenient as a shot to the nuts is, it’s really all for the better.

Testicles are basically the human panic button.

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