Dumbass sayings: “Dime Piece”

When a woman is very attractive people call them a “dime piece.” The word “dime” is used to represent the number 10 as in, a perfect 10 out of 10 score when rating a woman’s face and body. So really when you call a woman a “dime piece” you’re basically calling her a “ten piece.” You never really hear someone call a woman a 10-piece because then that would make them sound like a box of chicken nuggets. The problem I have with this whole thing is, a dime isn’t a valuable coin. When you’re dealing with such a small denomination of money, the difference between 7 cents and ten cents is really negligible. However, when objectifying women with a score of 1 to 10, there is quite a difference between a 7 and a 10. The whole analogy and comparison is off scale here. If you’re going to compare a perfect woman to an amount of money it should be something along the lines of a million dollars rather than ten cents. I’m sure we all wish they were only worth ten cents, but let’s not kid ourselves. Calling women dime pieces is severely devaluing them and it’s just flat out wrong.

Oh yeah that's hot...

Dumbass Sayings: “My Women’s Intuition”

Whenever you’re around women they always talk about their psychic powers. Women will always say something like “I knew that hitchhiker was going to try to kill us! It’s my women’s intuition!” Women always claim to have this special power of intuition that allows them to predict bad things before they happen. The problem with this is, they never mention when their “women’s intuition” is wrong. How many times does a woman think something or someone is suspicious and then nothing bad ever happens? We never hear about those times. All we hear about is when they do guess right. That would be fine, but they’re guessing ALL THE TIME. Women are constantly worrying and considering worst case scenarios at every turn. It’s not like women’s ovaries are crystal balls. They have no mystical powers even though their vaginas are rather mysterious. If women actually had psychic powers surely they’d know when to avoid horrible relationships with idiots. Either that’s somehow not a feature of women’s intuition, or it’s all bullshit. It doesn’t make too much sense that they’d be psychic about everything except something as major as choosing a potential mate. Women are constantly wrong about that, so that kind of takes any credence away from a possible women’s intuition.

"I can tell by the worn texture of your palm that you are a very lonely man."

Dumbass Sayings: “He Touched So Many People”

When you’re at a funeral these days one of the most cliche things for someone to say about the deceased is “He touched so many people.” Now this used to not be a big deal, but molesters ruined this for everyone. Now when someone says “He touched so many people, especially his students” everyone automatically thinks something negative. Now, if the dead person is a woman you can go right ahead and say “She touched people” you could even say “She fondled people’s lives with her hands of influence” and no one will bat an eyelash because they’ll know it’s just a figure of speech. But when you’re doing a eulogy for a dead man, I don’t care how much of an effect they had on people’s lives you just don’t say they “touched” people. There are so many other ways to express that idea. You can say “He affected so many” or “He inspired” etc. You don’t want to say “He left a mark on so many people’s lives” because that sounds like a scarring behavior. Also, how is being “touched” considered a good thing in the first place? Obviously if “touching” is so closely associated with molestation then it’s a bad thing. Being touched, at its worst is horrible and at its best is not that remarkable. If you’re touched in a non-molestation way then that’s usually a very brief, fleeting, sometimes meaningless occurrence. If you were massaged, that’s a different thing. A massage is much more substantial and effective an interaction with someone. Being touched is not a big deal, unless it is molestation. Being massaged daily is a big deal whether or not you’ve given consent. Let’s just stop saying people “touched” lives. A hobo on the train this morning “touched” my leg with his dick today, I’m not getting bent out of shape about it. It wasn’t a noteworthy occurrence and it should ever be brought up again.

And he loved touching people with that clown mask on...

Ask McFartnuggets: “How Do I Check My Dog For Prostate Cancer?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

My dog is about 40-years-old in dog years and I know that’s about the time when you’re supposed to go get your prostate checked. The problem is I don’t have a lot of money and my dog doesn’t have healthcare right now, THANKS OBAMA! So I was wondering what the best way to do a home prostate check on my dog would be? Is there anything special I have to do to make it less uncomfortable for my dog? Any tips and tricks you can give me would be appreciated thanks in advance! -- Todd from Oak Ridge, Tennessee

Dear Todd:

Yeeeeeeaaaaaahhh... You probably shouldn’t do that. Let a vet take care of that kind of stuff. I mean, can I stop you from putting your finger up your dog’s ass? I guess not. I’m just saying there probably won’t be much to gain from it for either of you. I could be wrong, that’s up to the both of you, but from a clinical perspective I’m saying it’s not the best idea. Also, depending on your dog’s breed, it may be too young for that to be an issue. If you’re that concerned with it and you really can’t go to a vet I would recommend practicing on willing humans first, that way you get an idea of what you’re looking for before you have to subject a dog to that type of intrusiveness. My guess is if you feel something larger than the size of a walnut then you’ve got a problem. If your dog trusts you it may let you put your finger up its ass, that doesn’t necesarily mean it’s the right thing to do.

Some dogs won't be very receptive to this procedure.

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Dumbass Sayings: “Stink To High Heaven”

Sometimes you’ll wake up late for work so you have to speed through your morning routine. You don’t take a shower because that would take too much time. You do poop, but you don’t have time to wipe. You run to work and the first person to see you says “Holy cow you stink to high heaven!” That’s such an interesting phrase. Are people in heaven stinky? Shouldn’t you stink down to the sulfuric pits of hell? Of the two, hell is the afterlife destination that’s heavily associated with assholes and feces so shouldn’t that be the one where stinky people go? Also what the hell is HIGH heaven? Are there levels to heaven? Is there just low level heaven where space meets the start of heaven where only sorta good people go? Then maybe there’s middle heaven which is the main meat of paradise where most good people go and most of the general heaven stuff goes down. Finally there’s HIGH heaven which is the upper echelon of heavenly stuff and that’s like the VIP area. Clearly that’s where God has his office. People in middle heaven take vacations to high heaven when they’ve accrued enough angel points in a calendar year. You only get permanent residency there if you’ve been a saint your entire life and never sinned once or if you just smell really bad, right? Yeah that makes sense…

People might stink to high heaven during the rapture when everyone shits their pants.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do People Always Ask What My Thanksgiving Plans Are?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Why do people at work always ask me what my Thanksgiving plans are? I started a new job this year and my co-workers asked me what my plans for Thanksgiving were. Last year at my old job they asked the same thing. The problem is that I’m a very honest person. I’m not good at coming up with lies, I’m not a psychopath I can’t just lie right to people’s faces so I told them the truth. I told them I was going to eat a Swansons turkey and gravy TV dinner and eat it alone then masturbate in my bathtub in the dark and then fall asleep while crying curled up in the bathtub. Look, I don’t like telling that to people, but if they ask me I’m going to tell them the god honest truth. After I told them that, just like at my last job everyone backed away from me and now no one wants to talk to me. I’ll probably have to get a new job now. Where would be a job that doesn’t ask you about Thanksgiving plans? Look it’s not my favorite holiday, alright? What am I supposed to do? -- Stephen from Rochester, New York

Dear Stephen:

Well that sounds like a great Thanksgiving to me! Maybe it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but not everyone has to have a classic Thanksgiving. The fact is, society puts a lot of emphasis on having an ideal picture perfect Thanksgiving. You don’t have to blatantly lie to people about what your plans are. Sometimes you can just say “I’m just going to be with family” and leave it at that. You don’t have to get into an elaborate mess of lies about your aunts and uncles from Tuscon making a flight over and cooking a 20 lb turkey with Grandma Rosetta’s famous stuffing. You can just say “I’ll be with family” then smile and walk away and that would probably make people feel a little less uneasy than your masturbation plans. Then to keep it from being a lie you could at least give your mother a call or put a rose on her grave, I don’t know, whatever the case may be. Happy Thanksgiving!

We can't all have that perfect pre-genocidal Thanksgiving meal.

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Dumbass Sayings: “Kick Your Ass”

Sometimes you’re out in the park licking an ice cream cone and staring at people and some guy walks up to you and says “Hey man you’re creeping my wife out! You better leave right now or I’m gonna kick your ass!” What is all this “kick your ass” business? No one ever kicks anyone’s ass. Having your ass kicked almost never involves literally having your ass kicked. When someone says “Suck my dick” and you “kick their ass” neither of those two actions ever take place so why do we even say these things? If you got into a fight and your main goal was to kick the other person’s ass, you might still lose the fight. Actually, you most probably would because it’s just not an effective combat technique. No one ever gets kicked in the ass and goes “OKAY I QUIT!” Why don’t we make our threats and terminology a little more accurate. Instead of saying “Kick your ass” say “Kick your balls” or Kick your head.” If you threaten to kick me in the balls I think I’ll take that a little more seriously than if you say “I’m gonna kick your ass.” Being kicked in the balls hurts exponentially more than being kicked in the ass. The ass is a fleshy, cushioned area that we sit on resting our entire body weight on. Being kicked there is not a big deal. The only time being kicked in the ass would suck is if you were holding in a shit and then the kick jostled that loose and you crapped your pants. That’s very conditional though and there’s no way to really tell if someone you’re going to fight is holding a turd.

Kicking ass isn't the best fighting strategy. The human ass can take one hell of a pounding.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do Women Always Complain About Being Cold?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Women always be complaining at my office that they’re cold. All the time even during the summer it was 80 degrees and bitches talking about “I’m so cold! I need to go get my sweater!” They were cold in July wait til they get to December! How do they even survive the winters? I thought women had a higher tolerance for pain, I guess that doesn’t include cold! You mean you can push a bowling ball out of your privates, but you can’t feel comfortable in 60 degree weather? You would think that their vaginas are like little ovens that can keep them warm. Does the vagina leak out heat instead or something and suck in the cold? What’s the story with this? -- Bradshaw from Montpelier, Vermont

Dear Bradshaw:

Well, there are a few different factors at play here. Oddly enough, science has shown that women menstruating are more sensitive to the cold so your assertion about vaginas isn’t that far off course. Women in general tend to be smaller with less body mass than men including less muscle. The more body mass and muscle you have the warmer you will feel and the better you can preserve heat in your body. This is why Eskimos eat blubber and African people are usually skinny. Being skinnier is great for hot weather. This is why you see so many obese people really uncomfortable in the summer because the heat becomes trapped in their bodies. Now you’re probably asking, “But what about fat women who are cold all the time?” From personal experience, I would say it has to deal with the person complaining about being cold. First, they might be a talkative person and women do tend to talk more than men, that’s a scientific fact. Also, they might not be very into exercise so they’re remaining stationary throughout the day. Activity would allow heat to be generated from burning calories. If they’re overweight then they may not be burning enough calories. The last thing is, men might be feeling cold too, but because they’re men they don’t want to talk about it. A man is less likely to share what he’s feeling and will be a little more reluctant to complain about being chilly than a woman who socially has nothing to lose by announcing they’re uncomfortable. A man in a similar situation would be called a wuss or a pussy for saying he’s cold. So there are a lot of factors and oddly enough the vagina is probably the least to blame of them all.

Oh come on it's not that cold, Carol!

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Dumbass Sayings: “Half a Dozen”

Sometimes you’re waiting in line at the Dunkin Donuts and you hear a guy at the counter say “Yeah let me get a half a dozen glazed pumpkin spice crumble donuts.” What is this “half a dozen” nonsense? You can just say “six.” You realize six is a number, right? Saying it doesn’t invoke the spirit of a demon or anything, unless you repeat it two more times. Why do people do this? Why use three words to communicate an idea that can be expressed in just one? It’s inefficient communication. God knows how much time along the course of human history that could have been saved if everyone who ever said “half a dozen” just said “six.” With roughly one second wasted per instance, that could accumulate to thousands and thousands of hours of human productivity lost forever into the vast expanse of eternal nothingness. And on a smaller scale it would probably speed up the donut line a little, not by much, but every second really does count. You can’t take life for granted. People talk about living in the moment, well if you want to live in the moment that involves wasting the least amount of time you can. It’s time people start looking at their own lives and trimming the fat. See where you’re wasting valuable seconds and optimize your phrases and actions. By the end of the day you might have collected upwards of several minutes to an hour of extra life you can use for the things you actually enjoy. Calling six “half a dozen” is like saying “a singular amount” instead of one. There’s a reason you never hear people say “Yeah I’ll have a quarter of a dozen” or “Yeah let me get a sixth of a dozen!” There’s no reason to involve math in such basic concepts and numbers.

Yeah let me get a twelfth of a dozen.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Don’t You See Tall Homeless People?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I saw a tall homeless person for the first time in my life the other day. I was so blown away by it I wanted to take a picture. As I walked up for a selfie I thought better of it and decided to leave. He was like 6 foot 6 though, it was crazy. Covered from head to toe in what appeared to be feces. That’s a lot of feces! How come you don’t see more homeless people? Is there like an unwritten rule that you can’t be a tall homeless person? You never see a 7 foot hobo walking around. Why come? -- Terrence from Detroit, Michigan

Dear Terrence:

Yes, I would say there is a dearth of tall homeless people. I think the answer comes from the fact that height is a valued characteristic in the world. If you have the genetics to be tall then there’s a decent chance that your ancestors were tall and therefore may have had advantages throughout their lives because of that. So it’s not as though there’s a lack of schizophrenic tall people, it’s just that they all have jobs because their families have money. The other factor is that if a homeless person is tall enough, there’s a decent chance a traveling Romanian circus will offer them a job, the same goes for homeless dwarfs. I’m fairly certain those are the main two reasons you only see average height homeless. Plus, tall homeless just don’t work. If they’re sprawled on the sidewalk they’ll take up the entire sidewalk. They have to fit into small areas for shelter. It’s just not a lifestyle that lends itself to being tall and because of that, naturally it just doesn’t occur very often. It’s kind of like asking why there aren’t that many obese birds. It just doesn’t work.

You always see giants and dwarfs dressed in the most expensive custom made clothes. 

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Dumbass Sayings: “HBD”

These days when you want to wish someone a happy birthday you can just text them the letters “HBD.” Call me old fashioned, but this seems a little cheap. I don’t put too much stock in birthdays myself, but if you’re going to type HBD to someone why even bother typing anything at all? It’s almost patronizing. If you care enough to wish someone a happy birthday you buy them a gift. If you don’t have any money then you do something nice for them, either way those actions are accompanied with the phrase “happy birthday.” Now if you don’t care then you say nothing. The only reason phrases like “HBD” exist is because people who don’t really care feel obligated to say “happy birthday.” The thing is, it means nothing to you or the person that’s receiving it so you may as well save the bits of data and impulse of electricity it takes to transmit the message. It’s bad enough we only send birthday wishes through text, but you have to abbreviate it to an acronym too? If we’re going to try and make this as succinct and brief as possible why not just type “HB”? It’s “happy birthday” you don’t need to abbreviate birthday into BD. It’s just one compound word that can be represented by the letter B. I guess that’s where we draw the line today in society. HB would be too damn short. That’s just impersonal and discourteous. Three is a lucky number so throwing out the HBD is totally acceptable. It won’t be long until you can just make a short grunting noise that is interpreted as a birthday wish. What is happening to society?

If you're having a birthday party for someone you don't really care about just get them a cupcake with "HBD" written on the top.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do Women Get Catcalled So Much These Days?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

You see all these videos on the internet now of women being catcalled on the street by men. Is it just me or is this a new thing? I’ve been living in a city for years and I’ve maybe only once seen or heard a woman getting catcalled. I see men turning around to look at a woman’s ass, but for the most part they don’t say anything at least loud enough for me to hear. From these videos it’s happening to even only mildly attractive women at least 30 times a day on a simple five minute walk. Why do people even care? It’s just the same homeless guys and drug addicts every time. Why do we put so much stock into what these morons have to say? Clearly they’re just lonely sad dudes who have nothing better to do than just stand on a sidewalk all day hollering at women. Why should their words matter to anyone? -- Mike from Seattle, Washington

Dear Mike:

Well, I think it really depends on the type of neighborhood you’re in. Also, if you’re not the woman being catcalled, you might not have any idea it’s happening. Usually the men say these things just loud enough for the woman to hear. And yes, they are usually hobos and crack addicts which is why women have been able to ignore it for so long. These days with the internet and hidden cameras, and an increased concern about sexual harassment, catcalling is much more visible. It’s like autism. It seems like a new pandemic, but it was happening all along, there just weren’t as many diagnoses. I think if anything, the economy is increasing the instances of catcalling. If you’ve got more unemployed folks out there on the streets with nothing else to do, then yeah they’re going to get drunk and shout at women. It’s a sad reality of life in these times.

If a homeless man catcalls you, it's probably just to be acknowledged.

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Dumbass Sayings: “Cakewalk”

After your son’s little league team gets beat, sometimes the other coach will say “Man, that was a cakewalk!” Now, “cakewalk” is a term that originated from something called “prize walks” in the late 19th century. During these prize walks, people would dance around in couples and the winning couple would receive a cake. First of all, that’s insane. Secondly, this holds absolutely no relevance in today’s world whatsoever. No one knows this is what the phrase means, no one cares, and even if they knew they’d just be more confused. So no, it wasn’t a “cakewalk.” You don’t know what a “cakewalk” is so stop using words that you’re completely unfamiliar with. Can we just cut the bullshit here? If you don’t know what a word actually means, simply take it out of your vocabulary or do some research and figure out what it means. If you did the research and found out what a cakewalk actually is then you’d realize that it makes no contextual sense at all. I get the idea of people dancing for a cake as a prize, but how exactly does that correlate to something being easy? I’m sure these cake dances were very competitive. If you and a partner are competing against other couples in the 1890’s over a giant cake then you better believe everyone’s bringing their A-game. Cakes were very valuable back then. You couldn’t just make a cake whenever you wanted, that shit took effort and planning, you know, the exact opposite of what we would consider a “cakewalk.”

You wanna ruin a birthday party? Have a cakewalk.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Do Midgets Play Volleyball on a Ping Pong Table?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Yo, I got a question for you. When midgets want to play volleyball do they all climb up on a ping pong table? -- Quan from Rochester, New York

Dear Quan:

No… Obviously they play volleyball on a TENNIS court. Then if they want to play tennis then they play on a ping pong table. Of course I’m being facetious and I hope you were too because that is some ignorant ass shit right there. Even a team of babies couldn’t run back and forth on a ping pong table! That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t pay to see that, but it’s very illogical and borderline dangerous. How many times do I have to tell people to stop using the M-word! They’re called biologically height restricted persons or BHRP for short, I mean for less letters. No, short people can still play volleyball on a regular court. It’s not recommended though since they can’t get high up enough to spike the ball or make blocks, but they can serve as very valuable setters. Believe it or not when you’re smaller than everyone else it helps you get lower so you can dig those low balls out a little easier than some lanky giant. The perfect volleyball team has its mix of giants and reduced altitude individuals. Like a tapestry of life, sometimes tiny pieces of fabric are needed to complete a great work.

This however is basically a little individual golf course.

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Ask McFartnuggets: “Do Stereotypes Protect Us From Danger?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Stereotypes are demonized in today’s politically correct culture, but isn’t it true that stereotypes actually help us survive? It’s a stereotype that certain colored mushrooms are poisonous so is it wrong to avoid eating those types of mushrooms to keep from dying? No, and that’s the same as with people. If I see a group of Venezuelan teenagers walking down the sidewalk, I’m gonna cross to the other side. Is that racist? Maybe, but I’d rather be a living racist than a politically correct corpse! Why are we so against stereotypes when they help us stay alive? -- Debra from Fort Lauderdale, Florida

Dear Debra:

You have to differentiate mushrooms and people. Mushrooms aren’t really individuals capable of their own thoughts with their own feelings. You can’t insult a mushroom by thinking it’s poisonous. People on the other hand are a little more complex. You never know, that group of Venezuelans might have left you alone, but when they see you cross the street they could get offended and then kill you because of that. There are no foolproof methods here. You can’t purposefully avoid Asian drivers for example. Even if you hail a taxi and there’s a Chinese cab driver you can’t be afraid to get in because he’s clearly survived to that point. Yes, stereotypes do help us survive sometimes, that’s why you see so many elderly racist people. Their racist beliefs have clearly steered them to safety over the years. The thing to notice is how unhappy they usually are. You can either be racist and survive while being miserable and not be able to enjoy the full spectrum of people there are out there in the world, or you can incorporate all cultures into your life and occasionally risk being shanked to death by a gang. There’s no perfect way to live. I think the best thing to do is treat people like individuals and let their actions inform your decisions on how to treat them.

If you want to live a nice long life, being racist helps a little. Plus, assholes tend to live longer for some reason.

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Dumbass Song Lyrics: “One Is The Loneliest Number”

The song “One” by Harry Nilsson has a lyric that goes “One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do.” Now if you’re a normal person you might hear that and think “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do? What do you mean DO? You don’t DO numbers. That doesn’t make grammatical sense. I’m pretty sure that word was shoehorned in there nonsensically just to give the line something to rhyme with “two” which is in the following lyric, “Two can be as bad as one, it’s the loneliest number since the number one.” How is two as bad as one? Two is the solution to one being a lonely number. Two means two ones, so how is that lonely? The ones are together with each other name make two… If by some chance one was lonely, I’m sure it felt a lot better once the number 11 was invented. Don’t feel bad for one. One is fine. One is hooking up with other numbers all over the place. How can you feel sad about one when there are numbers like 15, 21, 115, etc. One is going to be fine. If any number is lonely I’d say it’s 8 or 10 because seven eight nine and now it’s gone. If you don’t buy that, zero is obviously the loneliest number. I mean come on, it’s in a vacuum of nothingness. It’s so lonely some people don’t even consider it a number. That’s about as lonely as it gets.

1 is actually equal to 0.9999999999999999... which is a pretty popular number.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Could Plastic Microbeads Be The Cure For Obesity?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Do you hear about the microbeads? The news is saying about how plastic microbeads in bodywash and soaps are passing through water treatment plants because they’re so small and polluting the ocean. Then the microbeads collect in the oceans like little pellets and fishes are eating them by accidental thinking it’s food. Then the fishes think they are full by mistake and die of starvation because they are eating the microbeads and not real fish foods. Could this work for people now too? Could people eat microbeads so they feel full and stop eating so much fat foods? -- Hernando from Tulsa, Oklahoma

Dear Hernando:

Well, that is an interesting idea, but I don’t put too much confidence in it. First off, the microbeads are toxic, that’s one of the main reasons they’re a problem. Also, I’m not sure if they would be big enough to work for humans. People would have to eat bigger microbeads like the size of marbles. Even if someone managed to make that non-toxic, I’m not so sure the human body would mistake plastic marbles for food. A fish might because fish are stupid, but the human body is a little more complex. I suppose it has a chance to work, but then you’ve got people shitting out plastic marbles into the toilet and that causes a whole load of other problems. We have enough microbeads in the ocean just from face washes, we don’t need millions of tons more from the large digestive systems of the obese. We’d be sacrificing the oceans and landfills for obesity and while obesity is an issue, the environment is far more important.

This bird was clearly eating the wrong types of plastic.

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Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Aren’t Women Put on Death Row as Often as Men?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

The state of Georgia executed their first female prisoner in 70 years recently and it got me wondering why more women aren’t on death row. When you look at the number of United States death row inmates by gender there are 2,948 men (98.20%) and only 54 women (1.80%). Women are always talking about equality, but where’s the equality there? Some of these women commit crimes just as awful or more awful than the men and we have some unwritten rule that says we can’t execute them. If these same women were men they would have been executed a long time ago. I don’t hear feminists complaining about that. You can’t pick and choose where you get to be equal! You’re either equal across the board or you’re not. Why aren’t we putting more women on death row and treating them equal to their male counterparts? -- Cornelius from Bloomfield, Indiana

Dear Cornelius:

Well, yes there is an inequality there, but it’s mostly due to the fact that men commit crimes more often than women. Men also tend to commit more grisly acts of murder than women. That isn’t to say that women are any less capable of cold blooded murder, it simply happens less often. Men generally have more testosterone in their systems which leads to rage and stupid decisions. Rage and stupidity tends to result in murder. When women committing horrendous murders happens at a lower rate than men, you’re bound to see smaller numbers when it comes to how many women are on death row. If anything, the fact that there are so few women on death row makes them more than equal, they’re technically superior in society because they’re not going around cutting people’s heads off.

If you're a woman in a room like this, it's probably to give birth.

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Dumbass Sayings: “Spending Money”

Sometimes when you’re out on the town with grandma she says “Here take some spending money for the toffee shop.” That’s a very strange term, “spending money.” ALL money is spending money. That’s like saying “Take this penetrating dildo” or “Take this reading book” or “Here, take this cutting knife.” You could stab with a knife or slice with a knife, but there’s really no need to specify what you’re planning to do with the knife. Knives were made to cut things with and money was made to be spent. Sure you can save money, but you’re saving the money with the intent to one day spend it. Eventually you are going to spend it, right? You don’t just save money and expect to never see it again. If that was the case then you would just spend it immediately. Money is meant to be spent, that’s how the economy stays running. We need to get rid of this idea that “spending money” is a special type of money that you’re allowed to actually use to purchase goods and services. It’s money, granny. You spend it! And I hope you put enough spending money for me in your will because I don’t plan on saving that either!

This isn't spending money, this is fanning money. I only use it as a fan.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Is it Okay to Be Proud of Your Flaws?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

People say you should be proud of your body no matter what. People are proud of their stretch marks and their fat, but is it okay to proud of my genital warts? I want to be proud of them, but whenever I try to be, people be hating on me. They say “Ewww those are so gross” or “Ewww why is these ooze coming out?” It’s hard to be proud of something that so many people don’t like. Should I try to be proud still or should I start to hide them more and be ashamed of my body like society wants me to be? -- Wanda from Springfield, Illinois

Dear Wanda:

Well, that’s a difficult situation. A lot is made about being proud of your body, but there are limits. Specifically, anything relating to the genitals should be covered up. If you’re going to be proud of your body it should be of things that are always visible like your body fat, stomach, or face. There’s just a certain natural level of shame people are supposed to have about their genitalia. Unfortunately we still live in a society where we can’t just walk around fully naked so being proud of your genitals is not as important as being proud of your stretch marks or facial misfortunes. Because of that, walking around showing people your genital warts will be met with a lot of criticism. Be proud of it at home and with the people you’re close with, but when it comes to the general public, there’s nothing wrong with being ashamed. It’s totally normal and okay to be ashamed of your genital situation. As long as you’re proud of everything else, it shouldn’t really affect your life in a negative way.

You should be proud of your warts, even if they're on your eyelids...

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Dumbass Sayings: “Lips of an Angel”

Sometimes you’re at the club minding your own business and some lady walks up and says “Excuse, me I just had to say you have the lips of an angel!” Seriously? The lips of an angel? This is a really weird thing to say to someone. First of all, angels aren’t known for their lips. They’re known for having wings and halos. By saying “lips of an angel” you’re basically sexualizing angels. Angels are the spiritual messengers of god, they’re not supposed to be involved in sex of any kind. Any time you tell someone they have the lips of an angel you’re essentially saying “I want to fuck an angel.” You would never say someone had the “genitals of an angel.” No that would be weird. So why is saying lips of an angel any better? Lips, genitals, and buttcheeks are all sexual parts of the body. If you kissed an angel then you and the angel would probably go straight to hell. You would never say someone had the tits of a nun. We talk about separation of church and state, but the bigger issue here is separation of church and sex.

Sometimes angels overpower and sexually assault people. There's a lot we don't know about them.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Can You Be Allergic to Homeless People?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Tell me if this is weird or not, but whenever a homeless person comes near me to talk to me I get a really itchy feeling all over my body. I know you can be allergic to dogs and cats because of their hair I’m wondering if the same thing can happen with homeless people or just people who are really dirty? It’s only when the homeless people are really filthy that I get the itches. Am I allergic to homeless people or is it something else? -- Maria from San Francisco, California

Dear Maria:

From my research I don’t think it’s possible to be allergic to actual people. It is possible to be allergic to dust. If you’re very sensitive to dust then that might be what you’re experiencing. If the homeless person is covered in dirt then there will be a good amount of dust mixed in with that. Also, it could be an anxiety issue or something mentally going on. If you experience itchiness around spiders or insects then this may also be what’s happening. It’s called a “phantom itch” and sometimes people’s skin will itch just from seeing certain things. And last but not least, if you’re getting too close to the homeless person it may be lice coming from them and landing on you. You would need to be making direct physical contact with them though, lice cannot jump contrary to popular belief. You’d need to be hugging hobos to contract their body lice. I hope some of this information helps you!

It is possible you're just hobophobic.

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Dumbass Sayings: “Pins and Needles”

Sometimes Gladice at work corners you in the break room at work and says “I got this weird pins and needles sensation in my crotch area whenever I pee.” Okay first off I really didn’t need to know that. I know you have some sick thing where you have to tell people these details about your loins, but please leave me out of it. I’m sure Creepy Glen in accounting would love to hear all you have to say about your pins and needles, I don’t. Maybe she only gets off if the listener is unwilling. I really don’t care. Enough is enough. And to the point, “pins and needles” is just a stupid phrase. Which are the pins and which are the needles? To me, pins and needles are the same thing. Unless by needles you mean syringes, in which case you need to specify that. You really don’t need to say pins AND needles. Either they’re pins or their needles and don’t tell me you know the difference. There is none. That’s why no one ever says “I got this needles feeling” or I got this pins feeling.” It’s always pins AND needles and that doesn’t make any damn sense. It’s redundant to say both and to top it all off, that’s not even what actual pins and needles would feel like. If you had a pin or a needle punching its way through your internal organs you’d be in agony, you wouldn’t be casually describing it while sipping coffee, freak.

If these were stabbing you on the inside of your flesh you wouldn't be able to calmly describe that pain.

Ask McFartnuggets: “How Big Should Male Nipples Be?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Okay this is gonna be a weird question so I apologize in advance. I keep hearing people say that the average male nipple should be the size of a quarter but to me that seems too big! Mine are like the size a little bit bigger than Tic Tacs. Do I have really small nipples or something? I haven’t really cared about my nipple size until I read that but now I’m really worried. Is there male nipple augmentation surgery I can get? I’ve never heard of that but I think I might need it now! - Brian from Santa Fe, California

Dear Brian:

I think you’re getting your information a little confused. I’m pretty sure when they say a “quarter” that’s referring to the areola. That’s a very important distinction to make. The areola is like the plate you serve the nipple on. The nipple itself should not be anywhere near the diameter of a quarter. Even if you’re a woman with huge cans that would be too big. So yeah I don’t know if I would choose a “Tic tac” to describe it. I’m not too familiar with male nipples so I’m only going to go with what I’ve seen. I’d say normal male nipple size should be anywhere between like a hamster turd or a pencil eraser to a Tylenol liqui-gel. Hope that helps. And I’ve never heard of nipple jobs, but I’m sure those must be out there if you do feel uncomfortable with your teat size.

Anything smaller than a pancake should be okay.

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Dumbass Sayings: “The Ark Was Made By Amateurs, The Titanic Was Made By Professionals”

When confronted about his lack of governing experience, Republican Presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson likes to say “The ark was made by amateurs, the Titanic was made by professionals.” I suppose if you were looking for one of the only instances of amateurism trumping expertise in known history that’s not a bad example. Of course, the science isn’t entirely in on the whole validity of the Noah’s Ark story. You could just as easily say “Jesus walked on water, Criss Angel walked on a pool with glass over it.” I’m not sure what that actually communicates other than illusions are fake. Yes, the Titanic was built by professionals and it was said to be unsinkable. However, there was really nothing that ship could have been made out of that would have helped it against the direct hit of that iceberg. The reason the Titanic sank was because the captain was laden with hubris and had unrealistic expectations of what the ship was capable of. That hubris led to ignorance and a failure to avoid a big ass iceberg that tore a hole in the ship. The people who built the Titanic had nothing to do with why it failed. When it comes down to choosing between people who know what they’re doing versus people who just think they know what they’re doing and are supposedly guided by god, you’d be wise to side with the professionals 99.99% of the time.

The key difference between Noah's ark and the Titanic was prescience. Noah knew the flood was coming, the Titanic's crew didn't know the iceberg was, and anyone with even a little foresight can see Ben Carson would make a horrible President.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Doesn’t The Pope Fight Crime?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

It seems like whenever the Pope visits America crime rates drop drastically wherever he goes. So what I wanna know is why does he ever leave? Wouldn’t it be better to have him just live in America, particularly places like Detroit and Chicago where crime rates are really high and have his mere presence stop crime? The Pope could be like a crimefighter. He could have a huge impact on crime in America and in other areas of the world. Instead he mostly stays in Rome. Wouldn’t it behoove him to help make a bigger difference by becoming a superhero? -- Tully from Oakland, California

Dear Tully:

While I’m sure that is true that crime drops when the pope is in town I don’t think it would work as a permanent strategy. For one, I’m pretty sure a lot of the crime rate drop has to do with an increased police presence surrounding the pope. When the pope visits there are cops everywhere so that would likely be the cause of people behaving themselves more so than the holiness of the pope. Second, if the pope were to move to America permanently it would only be a matter of time before the novelty wore off. People would eventually start committing crimes in front of the pope. You can only suppress your sins for awhile before they come bubbling up. The only way to prevent this would be to turn the city he moved to into a totalitarian police state and that’s not an improvement over current U.S. cities just yet. You could do that without the pope. And thirdly, if the pope were to move to America that would mean he’d leave Vatican City. If that happened then there’s a chance they could degrade into the type of crime ridden slums you see in America. If the pope does believe he has crimefighting powers I don’t think he’d be willing to risk that.

Pope Francis used to be a club bouncer so maybe it's possible.

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