Dumbass Sayings: “He Touched So Many People”

When you’re at a funeral these days one of the most cliche things for someone to say about the deceased is “He touched so many people.” Now this used to not be a big deal, but molesters ruined this for everyone. Now when someone says “He touched so many people, especially his students” everyone automatically thinks something negative. Now, if the dead person is a woman you can go right ahead and say “She touched people” you could even say “She fondled people’s lives with her hands of influence” and no one will bat an eyelash because they’ll know it’s just a figure of speech. But when you’re doing a eulogy for a dead man, I don’t care how much of an effect they had on people’s lives you just don’t say they “touched” people. There are so many other ways to express that idea. You can say “He affected so many” or “He inspired” etc. You don’t want to say “He left a mark on so many people’s lives” because that sounds like a scarring behavior. Also, how is being “touched” considered a good thing in the first place? Obviously if “touching” is so closely associated with molestation then it’s a bad thing. Being touched, at its worst is horrible and at its best is not that remarkable. If you’re touched in a non-molestation way then that’s usually a very brief, fleeting, sometimes meaningless occurrence. If you were massaged, that’s a different thing. A massage is much more substantial and effective an interaction with someone. Being touched is not a big deal, unless it is molestation. Being massaged daily is a big deal whether or not you’ve given consent. Let’s just stop saying people “touched” lives. A hobo on the train this morning “touched” my leg with his dick today, I’m not getting bent out of shape about it. It wasn’t a noteworthy occurrence and it should ever be brought up again.

And he loved touching people with that clown mask on...