Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do People Always Ask What My Thanksgiving Plans Are?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Why do people at work always ask me what my Thanksgiving plans are? I started a new job this year and my co-workers asked me what my plans for Thanksgiving were. Last year at my old job they asked the same thing. The problem is that I’m a very honest person. I’m not good at coming up with lies, I’m not a psychopath I can’t just lie right to people’s faces so I told them the truth. I told them I was going to eat a Swansons turkey and gravy TV dinner and eat it alone then masturbate in my bathtub in the dark and then fall asleep while crying curled up in the bathtub. Look, I don’t like telling that to people, but if they ask me I’m going to tell them the god honest truth. After I told them that, just like at my last job everyone backed away from me and now no one wants to talk to me. I’ll probably have to get a new job now. Where would be a job that doesn’t ask you about Thanksgiving plans? Look it’s not my favorite holiday, alright? What am I supposed to do? -- Stephen from Rochester, New York

Dear Stephen:

Well that sounds like a great Thanksgiving to me! Maybe it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but not everyone has to have a classic Thanksgiving. The fact is, society puts a lot of emphasis on having an ideal picture perfect Thanksgiving. You don’t have to blatantly lie to people about what your plans are. Sometimes you can just say “I’m just going to be with family” and leave it at that. You don’t have to get into an elaborate mess of lies about your aunts and uncles from Tuscon making a flight over and cooking a 20 lb turkey with Grandma Rosetta’s famous stuffing. You can just say “I’ll be with family” then smile and walk away and that would probably make people feel a little less uneasy than your masturbation plans. Then to keep it from being a lie you could at least give your mother a call or put a rose on her grave, I don’t know, whatever the case may be. Happy Thanksgiving!

We can't all have that perfect pre-genocidal Thanksgiving meal.

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