Ask McFartuggets: “Why Do People Drink Beer When They’re Thirsty?”

The ultimate thirst quencher
meaning the last, as in,
you'll die.

Dear McFartnuggets: 

In beer commercials they always show people drinking beer when they’re all sweaty and thirsty. Does beer actually quench people’s thirst? I’m a jogger and I get dehydrated quickly so I’m wondering if drinking frosty beers instead of Gatorade would help? -- Melinda from Brooklyn, New York

Dear Melinda:

No one actually drinks beer when they’re thirsty for liquid. People drink beer when they’re thirsty for alcohol. The beer commercials you see are appealing to the alcoholics who need beer as if it was water. Obviously beer doesn’t quench thirst. If it did then you would see people who exercise drinking beer in a squeeze bottle. The only time you see someone running while drinking a beer they’re chasing their wife down the street after another domestic dispute. Alcohol dehydrates the kidneys. Kidneys control water levels in the body. Kidneys also filter electrolytes so alcohol consumption can cause an imbalance in electrolytes. Then when you drink too much and vomit you’re even more dehydrated and you’re running the risk of serious injury and possible death. Even though there is water in beer, the effects of the alcohol wind up negating any positives of that water pretty fast. The alcohol also tells the kidneys to send more water into the bladder which means you piss away vital nutrients and fluid quicker when drinking beer. An alcoholic who needs a beer might view a six pack of Budweiser like a waterfall in the desert, but it won’t do anything to actually quench their thirst.

Ask your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com