Dumbass Sayings: “Sleep Like a Baby”

Sometimes you’ll hear someone say something stupid like “Oh man I just slept like a baby!” What the hell is that really supposed to mean? You slept like a baby? So you woke up screaming at 3 AM and crying with a diaper full of shit? Did you piss your crib? Did you die of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome aka Crib Death? Yeah that’s right, there’s a thing called “Crib Death.” It’s where babies mysteriously die in their sleep. Now call me crazy, but when there’s a chance, however small, that you can just flat out die in your sleep out of nowhere, I don’t consider that a positive sleep experience. Now sure, everyone wants to die in their sleep, but I don’t think most people go into their nightly slumber with that dream in mind. Anyone who says they “Slept like a baby” has clearly never cared for or owned a baby before. These things are tumultuous. Even when a baby is in a calm, silent sleep, how is that any different than an older child or adult sleeping? Babies don’t win the calm sleep award. Anyone of any age can sleep as quietly and peacefully as a baby. That’s why you’re saying you slept like a baby to begin with! So if you can sleep like a baby then why is the baby the one that’s being used as the example of peaceful sleeping here? Sleep by its very nature is peaceful and quiet. You didn’t sleep like a baby you just SLEPT. If anything, just say you slept well. There’s no need to bring babies into this.

There's actually a campaign to help keep babies from dying in their sleep. Who the hell wants to model their sleep after that?