The Top 5 Worst Places To Bring a Baby

Babies do make good
masks if you need to hide.

People get really sensitive when it comes to babies and where you can take them. You’d think babies were dangerous or something with how many places you aren’t allowed to bring them. Fact is, possessing a baby is a big responsibility and part of that responsibility is knowing where you can and can’t take them. Here are the top 5 worst places to bring a baby:

5. Funeral

You’re supposed to wear black to a funeral and it’s pretty difficult to find a black suit for a baby. And while crying is normal at a funeral, having a baby crying somehow just feels odd. Then there’s the whole shitting in the diaper part that can really spoil the memorial.

There is some symbolism having a baby there next to a corpse, but in general it's best to keep them away from death.

4. Nightclub

Bringing your baby to a nightclub is a bad idea for a few reasons. The strobe lights can overwhelm their senses, the loud music can damage their fragile earlobes, and you never know what they might end up drinking. Best case scenario they get drunk, worst case they drink something laced with Rohypnol intended for someone else.

Have you ever seen a baby on ecstasy? It's not a pretty sight.

3. Roller coaster

There’s a reason babies and even dwarfs aren’t allowed on roller coasters, they slip right out of the harnesses. Even if you think you have a strong grip on a baby there’s always the chance it could fly out of your hands on a powerful loop and then you’re in big trouble.

Babies aren't meant to handle those G-forces.

2. Skydiving

Babies aren’t allowed to skydive even with an adult in a tandem jump for a reason. I’m not sure what that reason is, but the police take it pretty seriously.

Even though we all know babies always land on their feet, it's still illegal to bring them skydiving.

And the number one place you should never take a baby is…

1. Whore house

Find a babysitter, leave the kid with your in-laws, do whatever you have to do, but don’t take your baby to a cathouse. It might not be that dangerous and the baby won’t remember any of what’s going on, it just looks really bad. These are things your ex-wife will bring up in court and they do make a huge difference in the judge’s decision.

You'll have to settle on Chuck E. Cheese, which, depending on what neighborhood you're in, might look like a whore house anyway.