Ask McFartnuggets: “Will The Blue Man Group Ever Get Laid?”

Cross section of a Blue Man's
testicle.

Dear McFartnuggets: 

When will the Blue Man Group ever get laid? I mean I’ve heard of having blue balls before, but these guys are ridiculous. You know your balls are blue when you look like the blueberry bitch from “Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory.” -- Noah from Charleston, South Carolina

Dear Noah:

Well according to most accounts, The Blue Man Group consists of very aloof, asexual beings who have a childlike sense of wonder about the world. It doesn’t seem that they’re interested in getting laid. Even if they were I doubt there are many women who want to lay and be plugged by some freak who looks like Steve Jobs after he robbed a bank and had a dye pack explode in his face. I’m no psychologist, but I bet that would be a traumatic experience especially with that weird ass percussion tube music playing in the background. You’d never be able to look at “The Smurfs” the same way ever again. Plus I bet when they orgasm brightly colored paint flies out. No one needs to see or experience that.

Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

Dumbass Sayings: "Above the Influence"

There's a popular anti-drug campaign out there that encourages kids to be "Above the influence." It's a play on the phrase "under the influence, but there's a big problem with this phrase. If you're trying to stop teenagers from getting high, don't tell them to go even higher. If being on drugs is called "getting high" then that would mean the lower the better. So being above the influence would mean getting higher than high. That's a horrible message. Let's say a group of teens figures out how to get higher than high while being above the influence. Then over time they'll build up a tolerance to being above the influence and need a much stronger high which may result in them trying heroin, cocaine, or meth. Or maybe they still avoid drugs but they need bigger rushes like jumping out of moving cars and basejumping. Being above the influence could be a gateway or more like an elevator. Kids need to be told to stay grounded. Don't get high, stay grounded and rooted in reality. Telling them to keep going up higher and higher and higher is not a smart idea.

Smoking bath salts is safer than this shit.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Can I Get HIV From Kissing a Baby with HIV?”

Yeah, go ahead and
lick that.

Dear McFartnuggets: 

One of my friends invited me over to meet their new baby and I kissed it on the head and its head was all sweaty. Later on I found out the baby was adopted and had HIV. They rescued it from an orphanage and even though the baby only has a few months to live my friend and her husband wanted to try and give it the best life it could have. They’re incredible people. The problem is now I have a cough and a tickle in my throat and I’m worried maybe I contracted HIV from the baby. Is that even possible? -- Clarice from Baltimore, Maryland

Dear Clarice:

Wow your friends really are amazing people for doing that. Of course you can’t get HIV from kissing a baby with HIV. HIV isn’t passed through sweat. Even if the baby vomited right in your face and it got all in your eyes and up your nose you would probably not get HIV. The only way HIV can be spread are through blood, semen, rectal fluids, vaginal fluids, and breast milk. There’s really no good reason to be in contact with baby versions of any of those things. So long as you’re not running around kissing bloody babies you should be fine.

Write your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

Dumbass Sayings: “Waiting All Day For Sunday Night”

NBC’s “Sunday Night Football Theme” has a line that says “I’ve been waiting all day for Sunday night.” This would really be more suitable for Monday Night Football. On Mondays people actually wait through the workday and all the horribleness that is Mondays to enjoy a fun football game later at night. On Sunday people spend the entire day watching football so they’re not waiting at all. They’re enjoying football and before they know it there’s one night game on and they’re watching that. No one’s really waiting or looking forward to that. To top it all off, the “Sunday Night Football Theme” is a ripoff of a Joan Jett song called “I Hate Myself For Loving You” which is very fitting considering that’s probably how female NFL fans have to feel about the league amidst all the recent domestic violence scandals. Anyone with a moral conscience should feel guilty and bad about enjoying the NFL considering it’s a system that until now has protected abusers and monsters while making them rich for playing a game. Anyone who considers them even mildly intellectual should feel stupid for loving football considering what a neanderthalic pastime it is, but it is exciting and it taps into a visceral, instinctive need to witness and be a part of violence. It’s that hit and rush of endorphins that people wait all day for, but not on Sunday.

Unless you serve food to people at a restaurant on the weekends, you're not waiting all day for Sunday night.

Ask McFartnuggets: "Why Aren't There Any Obese Superheroes?

Maybe fat people flying is
where people's suspension of
disbelief finally snaps.

Dear McFartnuggets: 
How come you never see any morbidly obese Superheroes in comic books and movies? I mean who are fat kids with glandular problems supposed to look up to? Seeing all fit and slim superheroes probably makes them feel even worse about themselves. People always complain about how there aren't that many female superheroes well there's basically ZERO obese ones so I think that takes precedence. -- Dietrich from Gary, Indiana

Dear Dietrich:

That is true, you don’t see too many overweight heroes and I think it’s because people don’t look up to the obese. Obesity is a little different than gender and ethnicity and sexual orientation because it’s the one thing that you really can control. Whether that’s true or not, the important thing is that people believe it so you don’t see parents encouraging their fat kids to find obese role models. Instead, they would rather inspire and motivate their kids to lose weight to look more like average superheroes. Maybe an out of shape superhero here and there would be a nice thing to at least give a role model to kids who really can’t lose weight like Samoan kids or something. I mean if Marvel and DC can depict skinny women with superstrength flying around why not a fat guy? That’s just as realistic. Once you get past a certain point of wackiness you can get away with a lot. That’s how “Guardians of the Galaxy” managed to be successful despite the fact that it’s absolutely ridiculous. Yes it is weird that a raccoon is a hero, but it’s also weird that an alien man can come to Earth and be deathly allergic to a glowing green metal. I think the real reason you don’t see as many fat superheroes is comic book companies would have to use extra plastic to make the action figures which would wind up costing them a lot of money.

Write your questions to me and send them to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

Dumbass Sayings: "There's Nothing in This World I Wouldn't Do"

Sometimes when people are in love they start to say crazy things like "There's nothing in this world I wouldn't do for you!" Now maybe a few people are being serious, but for the vast majority this is usually an outright lie. I don't care how much you love your fiancee, there are definitely things in this world you wouldn't do for them. When someone tells me "There's nothing in the world I wouldn't do for you!" I'm like "Really? So you'd blow an eight mile long line of clowns with AIDS?" Usually that's when they say "Well, no not THAT." Well guess what! That's a thing in this world. I mean it doesn't actually exist, but it's within the realm of possibilities. Would you do Bigfoot? I doubt most people would do that. Does Bigfoot actually exist? It's possible. Would you really let Bigfoot copulate with you for a loved one? Not only is that likely a brutal gruesome way to die, but it's also technically beastiality. In that situation it would probably be best NOT to do Bigfoot because even if you were doing it for someone they'd constantly have to live in shame of being the wife of the guy who died making love to Bigfoot. There are things you wouldn't do for one reason or another so let's cut the bullcrap.

Would you do this? Didn't think so!

Ask McFartnuggets: “Can I Get Herpes From Someone Spitting on Me?”

Nothing worse than a juicy
mouthed Herpes carrier.

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I was talking to this old lady today who had big sores on her lips and while she was talking she was just spraying wads of excess saliva from her juicy ass mouth and it was just hitting me all over the place, on the face, on the arms, on the neck. Now I’m worried because I think maybe she had Herpes. My arm feels a little itchy and that’s where the majority of her spit landed. Can you get herpes from someone who spits on you? -- Lou from Gainesville, Florida

Dear Lou:

Technically you can get Herpes from someone’s saliva, however it would need to be an excessive amount. Usually Herpes is only transmitted through skin to skin contact, kissing, oral sex, etc. It’s very rare to catch Herps from spit. If that were the case, people with Herpes could just walk around knowing their saliva was a weapon and use it to intimidate and scare people. You don’t really see that happening though so it must not be THAT effective. As far as you getting Herpes on your arm, maybe it’s just itchy because of the bacteria she had in her mouth. It could even be your brain worrying so much that it makes your body feel itchy. Wash with warm water and soap and see how it feels later. If you see a rash then you might want to see a doctor. Then again, who ever hears of someone getting Arm Herpes. It’s pretty rare. I would be surprised if you had it. I hope you don’t!

Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and have a great weekend!

Dumbass Sayings: "See a Penny, Pick it Up!"

Back when your grandmother was sexually active there was a saying that went "See a penny pick it up!" Back then you could yet a loaf of bread for a penny so it really was good fortune to stumble upon a penny. This is a completely outdated saying and people need to stop. There's absolutely no reason to consider pennies lucky anymore. If pennies were lucky then you'd think the homeless people with coffee cups full of them would be doing a little better for themselves. Clearly that superstition is horsecrap. These days pennies are basically discarded as garbage. A single cent is physically not even worth the caloric energy it takes to pick up a penny from the ground. Bending over is worth more like 10 to 25 cents for most average people, up to a dollar or more for the obese. Loose change has always been filthy just like dollar bills, but pennies are by far the dirtiest. If you've ever seen a brand new penny before you know how dirty the average penny is. God knows what's coating that metal. A mishmash of dirt, rust, human and animal bacteria and whatever is on the ground. Just touching that is putting your health at risk. Potential medical bills are worth much more than one cent. So I think we need to update this saying to "See a penny, keep on walking because who gives a shit. Leave it for the homeless people. Even if pennies are somehow lucky, lord knows they need the money and luck more than you do."

See a tiny metal disk covered in Spanish Flu, pick it up!

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do People Chant at Sports Bars?”

Chanting is harder to do
alone with a stuffed
wolverine.

Dear McFartnuggets: 

How come when you’re at a sports bar people chant a player’s name or a team’s name like “Let’s go Yankees!” or “Derek Jeter!” They’re nowhere near the stadium, the players can’t hear them. What is the point of this? Are people stupid? -- Maryann from Bridgewater, New Jersey

Dear Maryann:

Well, most people who chant at sports bars are usually surrounded by a lot of other people who are doing it too. At that point, their brains think they’re at the game or just don’t even care. It’s kind of like how people yell out at the theater during movies. Obviously them saying “BITCH YOU NEED TO RUN!” isn’t going to affect the movie that has already been filmed a year ago halfway around the world. Those people yell out more for the entertainment of their friends. For example, if you’re at home watching a game by yourself chanting “LET’S GO YANKEES!” then that’s highly disturbing and you might have some mental issues. Even if you’re watching it with one other person, chanting seems ridiculous. However, with a bunch of friends it’s more acceptable. It’s really just as dumb, but it’s acceptable in a stadium surrounded by thousands of people so the more people you do have around you (even if you’re not at the game) the more acceptable it is to chant. If people are at bars, usually there’s a decent number of viewers so they all get into the chanting. Though mostly it’s because they’re drunk.

Write your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and I’ll try to answer them ASAP.

Dumbass Sayings: “Family Tree”

When people map out the lineage of their family they call it a “Family tree.” These people apparently don’t know how trees work. A “family tree” or “pedigree chart” starts with two people at the top and then branches DOWN. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a tree before, but they usually start at the bottom and branch UPWARD. Try growing a tree upside down someday and let me know how that works. I wouldn’t even mind if you could prove me wrong because seeing a tree growing upside down would be really cool. If you’re going to compare a pedigree chart to a natural phenomenon then compare it to cloud-to-ground lightning. Also, calling it a family tree is like adding insult to injury when it comes to nature. Due to rising populations we’re forced to strip the forests of the world for more and more wood to make homes. So as your family tree grows, natures actual trees actually suffer. If you want to be accurate call it a “Family jizz map” or a “History of unprotected sex” chart or something.

Some people try to make their family trees anatomically accurate, but it just doesn't look right. You're going to have newer generations higher than the family name.

Ask McFartnuggets: “How Come I Never See Homeless People with Cancer?”

You don't need a clever
sign when you have a tumor.

Dear McFartnuggets: 

How come I never see homeless people with Cancer? Whenever I see homeless people they’re always up and moving around yelling at the Sun and masturbating on the bus, etc. They’re always up and at em! What is the deal with this? Are the immune to the big C or something? -- Jane from Brooklyn, New York

Dear Jane:

This is totally wrong. Homeless people aren’t impervious to cancer. The reason you don’t see them is because they’re either hiding (meaning they’re not the ones jacking off at the bus stop and making a big scene) or because a lot of homeless people already look skinny and gaunt. They also don’t get chemotherapy so you won’t see them walking around with bald heads or a pink bandana on. Just because you don’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there. Apparently it’s very easy to ignore homeless people with cancer. No one really talks about this. You never hear about a charity for hobos with cancer and that should change. These people need our help and we should do the best we can to notice these folks and get them the treatments they need.

Submit your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

Dumbass Sayings: “Do Me!”

When someone finds out you do impressions of people they’ll often times run up to you and yell “DO ME! DO MEEEEE!!” This can be a very confusing and misleading exclamation coming from a woman. One minute this woman thinks she’s asking you to do an impression of her, the next you’re on the ground in handcuffs facing sexual assault charges. To be clear, “Do me!” has to count as consent. We all know what “Do me” is supposed to mean. If you want someone to do an impression of you then you need to say “Do AN IMPRESSION OF me.” Let’s steer clear of any unfortunate scenarios and just throw those extra three words in there to clarify things for everyone including the potential witnesses. I don’t want to blame the woman here, but you need to be somewhat aware of the things you’re saying and the impact these things have on other people, that’s just basic sense. Plus, nothing even happened. I realized my mistake pretty fast and there was really no need to kick me in the testicles. It was an honest mistake. I misunderstood. I’m sorry, okay?

I can't even really do impressions of women so this command is INCREDIBLY misleading.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Am I Allowed To Run a Red Light if an Ambulance is Stuck Behind Me?”

And if you're not at the front
of the line, don't be a hero and
ram cars out of the way.

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Hey Binkie, I’m at a red light right now and there’s an ambulance with the siren on behind me. I’m at the front of the line here and there’s only one lane, there are parked cars to either side here. Am I allowed to run this red light to help the ambulance get through? HELP! -- Melanie from Philadelphia

Dear Melanie:

I think I might be a little late with this response and I’m sorry for that. It really all depends on the situation. If you’re the only one blocking an ambulance and can safely move out of the way then you should because there’s a life or death situation going on. What I like to do is roll down my window and scream “THERE’S AN AMBULANCE BEHIND MEEEEE!!!” That way the oncoming cars know I’m not just plowing through a red light. There’s just no reason to sit there while someone’s bleeding to death in the back of an ambulance. The only time you shouldn’t try to move out of the way is if there are other cars between you and the ambulance. If that’s the case then it’s just a traffic jam and the person in the ambulance is screwed. There’s nothing anyone can do about that. I don’t know why they don’t give ambulances Inspector Gadget wheels so they can drive over other cars. I guess not enough people are dying during red lights.

Write your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com but keep in mind if they’re time sensitive I can’t answer them instantly.

Dumbass Sayings: “That’s So Funny I Forgot To Laugh”

Sometimes when you tell someone a joke or do an impression that they don’t like they’ll say “That’s so funny I forgot to laugh!” I really dislike this saying because it’s very insulting to people with Alzheimer’s Disease. They are the only people who would ever find something so funny that they forgot to laugh. People without a mental disease like Alzheimer’s would never forget to laugh if something was funny. That’s just not something that people do unless they have a serious disability. So basically when someone says this they’re mocking people with Alzheimer’s. When you’re telling a joke to someone with Alzheimer’s sometimes they’ll say “That’s so funny! ... I forgot to laugh.” When they say it they’re being sincere and they really enjoyed your joke. When some jackass says it sarcastically they’re just being an insensitive prick. The ironic thing is people say “That’s so funny I forgot to laugh” sarcastically meaning that there’s technically a humorous aspect to them saying this. And yet, someone saying this is probably even more unfunny than your joke. So they’re answering your attempt at humor with their own half assed cliche attempt at humor except they’re failing even worse which invalidates their opinion entirely. This is just an all-around dumb, overused phrase that I can’t believe people still use.

No one under the age of 70 should be able to say this.

Ask McFartnuggets: “How Did I Get Arrested For The Same Crime Twice?”

Ashley Judd movies are
typically not good sources
of legal advice.

Dear McFartnuggets: 

So I went to jail for public lewdness around Christmastime two years ago. I served my time and when I did it again last night I GOT ARRESTED AGAIN! How can this happen?! I kept telling the cops about Double Jeopardy. You can’t be tried for the same crime TWICE. They kept telling me to shut up and now I’m waiting to speak to a lawyer. This doesn’t make any sense. I saw the movie with Ashley Judd. She was accused of killing her husband and convicted for it then she could kill him after that because it was the same crime. That’s Double Jeopardy damnit! I shouldn’t be in jail! -- Nelson from Albuquerque, New Mexico

Dear Nelson:

Yeah… That’s not double jeopardy. You can still be arrested and tried for the same crime as many times as you commit them. “Double Jeopardy” would have been if you were tried again for the public lewdness charge from two years ago that you already served time for. If you do it all over again then you’re fair game again, it doesn’t matter if you did something before and already went to jail for it. Your lawyer will probably tell you the same thing. Thanks for the question!

Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and try not to do weird illegal things in public.

Dumbass Sayings: “Out of This World!”

Sometimes a guy will run up to you and say “You’ve gotta try my grandmother’s veal! It’s out of this world!” Whoa, whoa whoa! First of all, who the hell are you? Second, so your grandmother’s veal tastes like space food? When I hear “Out of this world” I’m thinking otherworldly meaning residing in the domain of outer space. How and why would anything of that place be tantalizing to my taste buds? People need to stop using this hyperbole of “out of this world” to describe earthly things. If you’re going to describe something as “out of this world” it had better be a meteorite or a mutilated alien corpse. Here’s an example of when it’s okay to use the phrase “Out of this world”: “Hey look at this rock they took from the Moon on the Apollo missions! It’s out of this world!” Even when you use the phrase properly it sounds stupid. Yes we all know a space rock is out of this world. Now if you’re talking about your grandmother’s veal then you’re clearly full of shit. Ultimately, there’s no reason to ever call something “Out of this world” because you’re either stating the obvious or blatantly lying. Unless your grandmother makes her veal out of E.T.’s dick, it’s not out of this world and you need to stop saying that.

Is your grandmother's veal THIS? No? Then shut up.

5 Shortened First Names That Make No Sense

Whatever happened to real
nicknames like Typhoid Mary?

Have you ever met someone who goes by a nickname and you don’t understand how their name became a name? These days it seems like younger parents are naming their kids after Pokemon so in a few years this won’t be as much of an issue, but for now let’s take a look at some of the more old fashioned nicknames that don’t make a damn bit of sense:

1. Ralph

Ralph is supposed to be a short version of “Raphael” which might make sense if you’re Dyslexic. Why are people allowed to rearrange the letters in a name to make a shortened version? You can’t just make anagrams and remove vowels.

2. Ted

On the topic of rearranging letters in names, Ted is short for “Theodore.” How the hell do you get that? That’s like calling someone named Jonathan “Jot” for short. It makes no sense.

3. Perry

What is the name “Perry” short for anyway? Perrold? Perome? What a silly name. Some say it’s short for “Percival.” I think the proper nickname for Percival would be “Percy.” That’s an example of a nickname that makes sense.

4. Ned

Ned is like Ted except we know Ted is short for “Theodore.” What the hell is “Ned” supposed to be short for? When I looked it up it said Ned is short for “Edward, Edgar, Edmund, or Edwin.” Yeah, sorry that doesn’t make sense. You don’t just throw an N at the front of a name and chop the second part off. The nickname for Oscar isn’t Nos.

5. Dick

The ultimate in nicknames has to be “Dick.” It makes absolutely no sense so you have to assume some guy named Richard a long time ago was such a dick that his nickname became “Dick” and it caught on with others. It’s such a weird name because the shortened version of Rachel isn’t “Pussy.” If it was then I’d say calling Richard “Dick” makes sense. Unfortunately, it doesn’t.

Did you know Richard I of England was almost nicknamed Richard The Liondick?

Dumbass Sayings: “Betcha Can’t Eat Just One!”

The slogan for Lays potato chips is “Betcha can’t eat just one!” When people hear this they think “What a great slogan! It’s so true! You really can’t eat just one!” Yeah, that’s because you can’t eat just one of ANY SNACK FOOD. Are you stupid? Who the hell eats ONE peanut and just walks away? When you’re dealing with small foods, that’s the whole damn point. You need to eat more than one just to make it worth your while. It’s not necessarily a compliment to see someone eating more than one of your chips. The only reason someone would eat only one potato chip would be is if the chip was horribly disgusting. So basically Lays is saying “Hey, it’s not rat poison!” That’s not exactly a ringing endorsement. It’s not a great slogan if it can apply to anything. Skittles could just as easily use this slogan because who the hell eats just one Skittle? Instead they go with something intriguing like “Taste the rainbow.” That’s a damn slogan. “Betcha can’t eat just one” is just goading people into a wager both you and they know they can’t possibly win. That’s unfair to people who have gambling addictions and unfair to people with eating disorders. Those are the people Lays is trying to take advantage of with this slogan and it’s sickening.

I ate just one once. Frito Lay still hasn't payed up.

3 Ways Malaysia Airlines Can Keep From Going Out of Business

Making their planes easier
to see is a start.

With the recent disappearance of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 and the shooting down of Malaysia Airlines Flight 17, Malaysia Airlines is dealing with a serious decrease in business lately. Their company is in need of some extreme damage control if they want to repair their reputation and here are three things they should definitely try:

1. Start a “Malaysia Airlines Challenge.”

Playing off the popularity of the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, Malaysia Airlines should start the Malaysia Airlines Challenge where people on Facebook fly on a Malaysia Airlines flight and then record themselves surviving (if they do). Then after landing they challenge three other people to fly on Malaysia Airlines and if they don’t accept they have to donate to the families of the missing and dead souls from Flights 370 and 17.

Anyone can dump a bucket of ice water on their head, but it takes balls to fly Malaysia Airlines.

2. Partner with famous illusionists like David Copperfield and Criss Angel.

Malaysia Airlines should embrace the fact that one of their flights vanished. Vanishing is much better than crashing into the ocean. If there was a chance you could actually disappear during a flight that would be pretty exciting. No one wants to die, but disappearing would be a thrill. You’ve got to reappear somewhere. Where did they go? Are they in the prehistoric past living with cavemen teaching them how to make fire? Or are they in the future living with the Jetsons? If MA hired David Copperfield or Criss Angel to do commercials for them it could help advertise their brand with a bit of tongue-in-cheek humor. Who doesn’t enjoy a little levity from an airline company?

Make it fun! If they affiliate with an illusionist not only does the illusionist gain credibility for doing REAL magic tricks, but it makes the disappearances seem fun and hopeful.

3. Replace all the flight attendants with Malaysian prostitutes.

Now that Malaysia Airlines’ reputation as a quality airliner is gone, they may as well just go for the niche, gimmick market. If they hired prostitutes and strippers as flight attendants that would really help capture the male and lesbian market. While flying Malaysia Airlines is dangerous, it might just be worth the risk to get to bang a flight attendant 20,000 feet in the air. I mean if you’re going to vanish or get shot down by Ukrainian rebels it may as well be while you’re getting blown by a stewardess, right?

They look bored. Let them fly around the world and help make people's flights a little more tolerable.

Dumbass Sayings: “Numb Nuts”

Sometimes when people want to call you stupid they refer to you as “Numb nuts.” I never understood this. What is the link between intelligence and nerve sensors in the testicles? Is the idea that someone can be so stupid that their nervous system doesn’t function properly? I’m not sure that has any basis in fact. Now I’ve never kicked a mentally handicapped person in the testicles, but I would assume that if I did they would feel it just as much as anyone else. I don’t like this saying because it basically implies that paraplegics and people who are paralyzed from the waist down are idiots. I don’t believe that’s true. Anyone who has tender very delicate nuts would know that there’s no link between paralysis and intelligence. So make sure the next time you call someone “Numb nuts” there’s no one in a wheelchair nearby because that’s incredibly insulting and ignorant.

Inuit people and others who live in cold climates may have numb nuts, it doesn't mean they're morons. Sure maybe their educational system isn't what it is in larger metropolitan areas, but still...

Crazy Classic Banned Commercial Compilation From The 60's

Here are some absolutely outrageous commercials you won’t believe ever made it on TV. First off, a commercial from a time when Proctor & Gamble was giving away free steak knives with products like toothpaste, shampoo, and deodorant. Apparently the company had to get rid of a crapload of steak knives and thought this would help provoke people to buy essential items that they were going to buy anyway. A highly flawed idea even without considering all the accidental flesh wounds.

Second, a confusing commercial for Brim coffee which seems to be insulting its own product. To make matters worse they misspelled “caffeine.” You’d think a coffee commercial should have that word down.

And last, a completely bewildering ad for a drug filled pudding that actually took pride in its ability to make people trip nutsack.

Dumbass Sayings: “Protect The Shield”

How about protecting
players' families?

With the NFL coming under great scrutiny of late, there’s a lot of talk about the NFL’s “Shield” logo. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell always talks about “Protecting the shield” and protecting what it stands for. It’s a SHIELD. You don’t protect a shield. A shield is meant to protect YOU. No wonder these fools in the NFL hierarchy can’t get their house in order, they don’t understand basic concepts like shields. That’s all a bunch of bullshit anyway, no one cares about the NFL’s logo or what the NFL stands for. It’s a football league, what the hell can it possibly stand for? Obviously it doesn’t stand for respecting women and children we know that, but to be fair what can we expect from a professional sports consortium? Their job isn’t to be a courtroom for moral conundrums. Their job is to put on shows where a bunch of giant men smash into each other over and over again. That’s all we really care about. That’s the reason the NFL can experience scandal after scandal and they’ll never really have a problem. Americans love football and as long as we don’t look to the players for moral guidance then we can continue to love football. Dumb people are going to dumb things no matter what, regardless of whether they’re football players or not. The real problem is parents who allow their children to view football players as role models. They’re football players! Why would you ever let a child look up to them? What have they done to deserve such reverence? Score touchdowns? How is that applicable to the progression of a child’s character? The problem the NFL is facing isn’t domestic violence, it’s education. Only a moron would punch his fiance and knock her out cold. Only a moron would beat his kid with a stick til the kid bled. Only morons would let their kids hold those players up to be heroes. And only a moron wouldn’t understand that a shield’s job is to protect you and not the other way around. Maybe they should play without the helmets, after all, what do they really have to protect?

Does anyone remember what Michael Vick did to innocent animals? No, because fantasy football points are more important.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why is Farting Called Passing Gas?”

Never pass gas out
of the shotgun.

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Why is farting called passing gas? It’s not like passing a kidney stone or passing a test. It’s not difficult to fart. It takes minimal effort. It doesn’t hurt. In fact, most of the time “passing gas” is the last way I would try to describe my farts. “Blasting gas” is a little more accurate. When people fart near you it’s a very offensive act. “Passing gas” sounds gentle and passive when the actual act of farting is a biological gas attack on your olfactory system! -- Manfred from Tuscaloosa, Alabama

Dear Manfred:

It’s called “passing gas” because the majority of a person’s farting happens in their sleep when they’re passed out. The gas simply passes out of the anus and slides out easily. When was the last time you farted so hard it woke you up? It’s rare because the gas is being passed gently like a carbon monoxide leak. Also, farting is a lot like passing in sports. You’ve heard of the behind the back pass, right? That’s basically just another term for farting. And of course when you’re really gassy you can launch some long bombs like Ben Roethlisberger. You can really “air it out.” Sometimes I get so gassy you may as well call me Drew Brees. Now do you see why it’s called passing gas?

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Dumbass Sayings: “I’ve Been Dancing Since I Was 2-Years-Old”

For some reason, a lot of cheerleaders, ballerinas, and strippers like to say “Dancing is my life! I’ve been dancing since I was 2-years-old!” What kind of dancing are you doing when you’re two-years-old exactly? You don’t know how to read and you’re doing choreographed dancing? Now I know reading and dancing have nothing to do with each other, but get your priorities in check. All you two-year-olds out there, you should really be focusing on getting the reading and speaking thing down before you start attempting to master physical arts. Two-year-olds aren’t even truly capable of dancing. When you’re that old all you can really do is just flail around while music is playing. Now that might be what I consider dancing, but as I have been told several times at “So You Think You Can Dance?” auditions, that is NOT dancing. You can’t count that part of your life when it comes to how long you’ve been involved in a career. That’s like me saying I’ve been doing karate since I was 2-years-old just because I punched my grandpa in the nutsack by accident when I was a toddler. That just doesn’t count.

I've been pooping since I was 2-years-old, but I still have my difficulties from time to time. 

Ask McFartnuggets: “Are There Conjoined Twin Dating Sites?”

No one's better at
hooking up.

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Are there conjoined twin dating sites? -- Larry from Raleigh, North Carolina

Dear Larry:

None that I know of. You always hear about dating sites whether it’s Christianmingle or Blackpeoplemeet but you never hear about NoThirdWheel, or some site where conjoined twins can meet each other. I think it’s because conjoined twins view themselves as individuals. You wouldn’t go on double blind dates with your unconjoined sibling so why would people who are physically connected to that? Sure it would be convenient and maybe dating other conjoined twins would be nice because they understand you better, but ultimately that’s just too much. Think about having three other people around all the time. It’s hard enough to be intimate with a single person when you’re a conjoined twin, imagine how hard it is when that other person has a conjoined twin. And god help you if you’re the twin on the left and you fall for the twin on THEIR LEFT. That just seems physically confusing. Just imagine two sets of conjoined twins trying to have sex with the one on the opposite side. That’s actually a rare new sex position called The Sweaty Pretzel. It’s very dangerous and love is about finding someone you want to be with, not risking your life in a four-way orgy of insanity.

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