Throwing knives at children for fun?

It's fun to look back every now and then at the past and remember people's idea of safe, wholesome fun. Nowadays this bitch would be locked in a cage to paint elaborate mosaics with her feces, but back then she was A-okay!

-Binkie McFartnuggets

How young is too young to sail across the world?

This has been the big question continuously asked in homes all across the globe. Should a thirteen-year-old girl be allowed to sail across the world by herself in order to attain a ridiculously unimportant record? Feel free to state your own opinions on this matter. This is a place of free expression and learning, damnit! Why else would there be a picture of a seal?

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Pulling out a gun at a snowball fight?

A big story in the news lately is the cop who pulled out a gun during a snowball fight. The details aren't important, what is important is that people are outraged about this. People have this idea that a snowball fight is something wholesome and that introducing a gun to one is like bringing a rocket launcher to a daycare center. Let's dissect a snowball fight for a moment. It's essentially throwing rocky ice spheres at others as hard as you can. When you're a kid, it's all fun and games, but once you reach an age where your peers can throw at speeds up to around 80 miles an hour and they pack the snowballs tight in order to cause as much pain as possible, it ceases to be a game and becomes an actual fight.

And what happens when a cop draws a gun at a normal run-of-the-mill fistfight? Is that a big deal? That's probably happening eighteen hundred times right this very second all across the world. No one gives a shit about that, but introduce the element of snow and all of a sudden the BBC has to get involved.

Where do you draw the line? Bringing a gun to a snowball fight might seem like overkill to some, but maybe that's just someone who really wants to win. What if someone had brought a snowball cannon that launches chunks of jagged ice at the speed of bullets? Would that be in the news? Probably, since many people would be injured and dead, but no one considers that. How would anyone react? What if someone has a bionic superstrong arm that's made of futuristic artificial tendons and allows them to hurl snowballs ten times faster than Randy Johnson? Should that person then be excluded from any and all snowball fights? Should they be arrested if one were to arise and they got involved? In that case, yes. Why? Because snowball fights aren't a joke! Case closed. So bring all you can to your next snowball fight, chains, bats, guns, knives, bazookas, don't be limited by the notion that it's "fun & games". Never be afraid to win!

-Binkie McFartnuggets

CSI: The 60's?!

This was Folgers' first crack at introducing a crime solving element to their strange commercials. Little did they know they would spawn a whole new wave of television entertainment and change the way we all look at possible crimes we think about attempting. Don't leave any pubes behind!

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Serial killer Folgers commercial?

This was one of their more controversial ads in the 60's because it depicted an overtly abusive husband who was so passively vicious that many wondered if indeed he was some sort of chain killer which were becoming popular at the time.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Teacher who poisoned student gets sent free?

Everyone's in an outrage about this story one way or another. Either you really support the teacher because you hate Autistic children, or you think she's one of the most evil people to ever go unpunished for an atrocious instance of child abuse. Where do you stand?

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Wild Turkey Tollbooth Terrorist?

All anyone could think about when this story broke was, "Ohhhh loogadda tooukie!" Meanwhile others like me were pondering much more philosophical ideas. Why bend over backwards to save a wild turkey while you willingly slaughter millions just like it without batting an eyelash? Bureaucracy? Anyways, grow up, kid. It's a damn turkey! The same kind your mama and dada carve up with a mechanical knife! Gobble gobble gobble!

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Mugger Gets 75 Years in Prison?

A large Black man who punched a 101-year-old White woman and fractured her jaw to steal ten bucks in 2007 is now going to jail for 75 years. This definitely leads to questions about how we view justice in America.

Of course this guy deserves his time, but how about others? It seems like every week you find out about someone who committed a DUI manslaughter and got away with 2 years probation. There are people who viciously kill and get away with less than 25 years on a regular basis. The Phillip Garrido character who kidnapped and raped a woman got out of jail after only ten years. Does that mean this mugger will get out in five or fewer?

Are the elderly more valuable than the younger people of America? America is one of the only countries that shows almost no respect for the aged. What if the man had mugged a younger person? Would he still be getting 75 years? If he had broken the jaw of a 20-year-old, what kind of sentence would that lead to? A couple years at the most? How about a 40-year-old? Is it less a matter of age than the physical condition of the victim? Would he have gotten 75 years for punching a guy with cerebral palsy?

If you get 25 years or less for raping a 30-year-old, would you get 400 years for raping a 100-year-old? Okay you're right, let's never think about that again... But there's absolutely no consistency here and you need consistency for the justice system to put fear in prospective criminals. You can't have it all up in the air in a game of chance because most criminals are gamblers, that's why they commit crimes to begin with. There's the chance they might get away with it, then even if they get caught, there's the chance they won't be adequately punished due to a judicial fuck up.

Then again the whole reason for this 75 year sentence is the sheer outrage and disgust regarding the crime. If that's the case, why does a guy who has sex with a horse only get three years? Surely that's mildly more disgusting than mugging an old lady, which would you rather watch? I guess it's up to personal opinion. Of course this guy would have committed more crimes had he been let off easy, but who's to say any criminal wouldn't? Why not lock them all up for life if they're repeat offenders? Also, this was one case where they actually had cold hard evidence and could really get behind putting a guy in jail for as long as they wanted without a hint of doubt about his guilt, which is not a feeling often felt in American courts.

How are YOU dealing with the Eggo shortage?

It's all hitting us in different ways, even if you don't eat Eggos. Odds are you know someone who enjoys an Eggo every now and then and you've probably seen a marked change in their attitude. Perhaps you've seen them sweating early in the morning, trembling, at a loss for words, and bleeding from the ears. Those are all normal effects caused by Eggo withdrawal. We need to remember that in an economic depression, some of the things we love will be ripped away from us. We can't take things for granted, forget civil liberties, what about the frozen food section?!

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Deadly buttock surgery?!

Former Miss Argentina, Solange Magnano was 38 when she died from buttock surgery complications on Sunday. The liquid from the ass injections ran into her lungs and brain. So the moral of the story is, your ass is fine the way it is. Don't push your luck.

Magnano was apparently trying to lift her buttocks with this gluteoplasty. I assume that because what South American woman would need help getting larger butt cheeks? What woman anywhere would? Anywho, don't take the easy route out. If you want lifted asscheeks, do what I do and perform 50 squat thrusts every day. You can even do this when you're out and about. I do most of mine in line at the bank. Sure you will get some looks, but fuck those people! We'll see who's laughing when I won't be needing surgical buttock procedures!

I'll leave you with a quote from my Grandpappy McFartnuggets:
"No ass is worth dying for."

-Binkie McFartnuggets