How do astronauts pull pranks on people they despise?

With the intellect required to be an astronaut, thousands of great prank ideas must come into your head and have to be stifled in the name of etiquette, but sometimes, just sometimes, a nice prank helps cool the blood before being launched into the sky in an aluminum bottle covered in tiles.

-Binkie McFartnuggets


Is the puss caterpillar your friend?

I'm sure you're all familiar with this freak otherwise known as Megalopyge opercularis. Of course we know that it's venomous, but a lot of people still think it's cute...

I thought you might want to take a few looks at what's underneath the fur coat before you decide to arrange a snuggle party...

It's always what's on the inside that counts. Still wanna cuddle?

-Binkie McFartnuggets


Should Billy Mays' "iCan" health insurance commercial stay on the air?

You may have noticed that since the passing of the unforgettable Billy Mays, a lot of his commercials have still been airing. I have no complaint with that. I think it's great and his family should continue to benefit from his charismatic charm, BUT to continue showing a commercial where he's plugging affordable health insurance, to me, seems to be toeing the line.

In the commercial, he says "iCan" is the what he uses to help keep his family healthy. I would assume he includes himself in that, and if that's true, they should have been able to get his heart problem fixed.

On the other hand, it's more realistic to assume that Billy Mays had nothing to do with iCan insurance other than doing a commercial for it and was lying about his family using it. But, I'd rather not think of Mr. Mays as someone who would stretch the truth just to sell a product, though that is inherent in being a salesperson. Either way, the message is, a now deceased person with health problems is trying to sell people health insurance and anyway you look at it, that can't be good. I understand they have to do what they have to do, but for the sake of Billy, take the commercials off TV, you freaks.

-Binkie McFartnuggets


What is the best excuse for killing people?

Two stories have caught my attention in the past minute, the Texas mother who decapitated her baby and the New York mother who drove down the wrong side of a parkway and in doing so, killed seven other people.

The decapitating mother's excuse is that the devil made her do it, a pretty cliched answer, but there is some haze surrounding that statement.

The Associated Press headline reads: "Texas police: Mother says devil made her kill son."

But within the story they state: "Police say they found a 3 1/2-week-old infant stabbed and decapitated in a Texas home, and his mother screaming that she killed her son after the devil told her to do it."

So did the devil MAKE her kill the child, or TELL her to? That may seem like a stupid question, but it really makes all the difference. If the devil is merely telling you to do something, you can always ignore him (works fine for me) but if the devil actually takes control of your body, well then there's nothing you can really do about that!

Apparently the New York mother who killed herself, child, and three cousins by smashing them into another car with three men who also died, had said she wasn't feeling "well." Further into the story the AP says: "Schuller apparently told him (her brother) in a phone call about two hours earlier that she was feeling ill, state police said at a news conference."

So which was it? "Not well" or "Ill"? Because "ill" would assume a more bodily sickness, whereas "not well" would assume a mental issue. No psycho ever says they feel "ill," that's what someone with a stomach virus says. Is a stomach virus enough to keep you from realizing that you're driving down the wrong side of a parkway for two miles? That's about as convincing as claiming the devil forced you to kill your baby, to me anyway.

What is the difference between viciously decapitating one child and getting into a ridiculous accident that claims the lives of four youngsters? Is one worse than the other? I think society would condemn the decapitator more than the driving "accident," but the key is knowing the FULL STORY, which the Associated Press seems to have a problem with. And by the time the real details come forth, I'm already done caring about the story along with everyone else, secretly of course.

-Binkie McFartnuggets


Is there a new leader for the Taliban?

According to Newsweek, we're really in for it now because Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar has been taking more control of the infamous political movement know as "Taliban" (meaning "students"). As we all know, Mullah Mohammed Omar is the current leader of the Taliban, but Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar is his second in command and has increased his grasp of power with Omar being more and more of a reclusive leader. Now for those of you who are not familiar with Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar, don't be worried, no one else knows who he is either, so you won't run into an uncomfortable situation where everyone at the party knows about him and you're the only one who doesn't and have to hide in the bathroom for twenty minutes before everyone is too drunk to remember your embarrassing lack of knowledge.

Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar wants the Taliban to adapt to America's firepower by using more guerrilla tactics in battle. One of the nuggets of wisdom he's already doled out to his soldiers is, "Keep your weapons on your backs and be on your motorcycles." This should make for a big improvement in the Taliban's success as they had previously been holding their weapons in their laps while riding bicycles, which resulted in many "friendly fire" incidents.

There is, as of now, a ten million dollar bounty on the current Taliban leader Mullah Mohammed Omar, but for my money, the bounty should be on MAGB. Yeah I just called him MAGB, get used to it, odds are you're going to hear a lot more about him, especially if someone decides to cash in on that Omar bounty. I'd consider it myself, but I don't deal well with desert heat, it makes my skin feel all prickly.

-Binkie McFartnuggets


How young is too young to shoot someone?

This past Thursday in Las Vegas, a 4-year-old found a loaded gun in his house and shot his 2-year-old sister in the stomach. While researching "4-year-old shooters" I found a similar event from this year where a 4-year-old shot his babysitter with a shotgun:

The Columbus Dispatch reports that the boy "retrieved a shell from a drawer in a back bedroom, grabbed a 20-gauge single-shot shotgun from a closet and loaded the weapon ... returned to the living room, and in front of another 17-year-old boy and other children, shot [Nathan] Beavers."

So the moral of the story is, don't hire a boy as a babysitter for your kid, especially if your child has ready access to a 20-gauge shotgun and knows how to load it without assistance.

Kids shoot the darndest things! But from what I've seen, 4 years old is the threshold for gun violence. I have not yet read a story about a 3-year-old shooting anyone successfully, though I could have missed one. Maybe I'll be surprised in the future by the youth of America. It makes you wonder why babies are given good hand strength early on when it's not entirely necessary. Was there a period in our evolution when toddlers were often dangled off cliffs and needed a good grip and strong fingers to stay alive? Doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me! What I do know is, it's their hands that are the problem. Parents are always going to have guns and be irresponsible with them no matter what the laws are, but baby hands can be neutralized.

-Binkie McFartnuggets


Is this the best time to be focused on race?

With all the problems going on in the world today, is the biggest issue how President Obama deals with a cop who arrested his friend? By now we've come to realize that Obama is only human and subject to the same faults we have to deal with on a daily basis. The only problem is, he has "Entertainment Tonight" cameras jammed down his throat every second of the day.

We can't allow a stupid story like, a professor breaking into his own house, to divert anyone's attention, especially the President's. It was bad enough that everyone got carried away with Michael Jackson, but this has gone too far.

These distractions reveal the way we're all trying to pretend that the world isn't the way it actually is. We want to believe that we live in the 80's and 90's where we can discuss/argue race, that's not a luxury we can afford now. Put it aside and let's focus on the problems that face all of us and in the process, race won't be an issue. Isn't that what we all want? Oh it isn't? Well... Okay then.

-Binkie McFartnuggets


What is the official cake of NASA?

We all know that if astronauts have one flaw, it's their love for cake and occasionally their ability to go insane and wear diapers on land. But what's an astronaut's favorite cake variety? I found this secret NASA tape quite interesting in regards to that query.

-Binkie McFartnuggets


When will the world come to a start?

Everybody talks about the world ending, but I want to know when it's going to BEGIN! Yeah sure, that doesn't make sense, but doesn't it? To me, it means the opposite of the end of the world. The end of the world is all about pain, death, and fear; so the beginning has to be about comfort, life, and giddiness. I think we all want the latter, but the question is, when is it going to happen?

When is a positive story going to be the headline of all the newspapers again? People focus too much on the negative. That's why the Apollo 11 mission was so important, it was one glimmer of widespread hope in a confusing time. We need more of that, but no one's interested in predicting when something like THAT will happen. We're more concerned with predicting the next meteor strike or flu pandemic.

It boils down to lazy gambling. Obviously going to Mars isn't going to be the same kind of thing as going to the Moon. We pretty much know there's nothing out there in our immediate vicinity so it'd just be a waste of money. That is depressing. Statistically speaking death happens 100% of the time, so you're putting your money on the right horse.

The problem is, that bet will get you nowhere. The people who are out there making changes and advances aren't looking forward to the apocalypse, if anything they're working proactively to stop it. It's the rest of us who aren't helping out that want everything to end so we can laugh about how other people's efforts were in vain. Well yeah that's amusing, but if you're right, you don't win a prize or even get to enjoy it (unless you've already built your nuclear bunker, but in this economy, who can really afford to construct a substantial bunker?)

That's why I'm going out on my own Michael Jackson tree limb here and I will predict the next great positive world event. On Monday, July 27th 2009, something very good is going to happen. I don't know what or how, but keep your eyes open folks. Start getting ready because it's going to be a HOOT!

-Binkie McFartnuggets


Was Michael Jackson's Death Planned to Coincide with the Apollo 11 Anniversary?

Considering the fact we celebrate the moon landing anniversary every ten years, I'd say the whole Michael Jackson death thing is a little eerie. Sure it's not like he died on the 50th anniversary at the age of 50, but still... He was most famous for the moonwalk, kinda... And only a few months later we celebrate the anniversary of the first time man walked on the moon!

A lot of people are coming out now in opposition to the moon landing. Let me remind you that the reason we celebrate the anniversary every five to ten years instead of aiming for the big ones like 50, is because Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and all the rest are sadly nearing the end! So we care enough to celebrate their anniversary while they're still alive, but not enough to avoid defiling their alleged accomplishments...

Real or not, it did provide the basis for the name of Michael Jackson's famed dance move. Though I wonder how many Michael supporters doubt the moon landing, that's a tough one. I would guess not a lot, because their minds are full of wonderment. But then again, you have to be pretty creative to break out of the box in the first place and claim the moon landing was staged... What do you think about that? Are Michael Jackson fanatics more or less likely to believe in the Apollo 11 moon landing? You think about that! Because if indeed there is a trend either way, then that could explain a lot.

-Binkie McFartnuggets


Is there a problem with Pet Airways?

The media has made a big deal about Pet Airways and other pet airliners lately. For people who travel with pets, the whole thing is a godsend, but what does an outsider think? I see this thing as problematic, and not now, maybe not for a long time. But what happens when one of these jets goes down? That's what I want to know...

Surely one of their planes has to crash some day, whether it be now or later is no concern, but when it does happen, how are we supposed to feel? Do we feel glad that, at least it was a jet filled with dogs and cats and not humans? Or do we feel worse because these are entirely innocent beings that really have no business in the air (unless there are some birds on board, which is even more tragic). Whatever, let's just hope we never have to deal with that, but what if we don't?!

What if these planes carrying pets never crash? Shouldn't that spark up some interest? Why would a plane full of pets be safer than a plane full of humans? So really, these pet planes had better crash more frequently than human aerial transports, just to give people like me peace of mind. Believe me, I don't want that to be the case, I'm just saying it's a very awkward situation you're putting me in and I hope you understand.

-Binkie McFartnuggets


NASA reviewing its policy on transsexuals?

With a lot of attention being focused on NASA lately, more pressing issues have been brought to light. One of which is the hot button topic of trannies in NASA. Should they be allowed into space? Are they a liability? What do you think?

-Binkie McFartnuggets


Is it a big deal when your baby is born at 4:56 pm on 7/8/09

When Van William Shepherd was born they said, 'Time of birth, 4:56 on 7/8."

"Oh, wait a second! 4,5,6,7,8,9!" The father screamed, clinging to the only special thing that's ever happened to him.

This kind of thing is stupid in my opinion. No one mentions jack sh*t when a baby is born at 1:23 on April 5th, because they have lives worth living. And by the way, that 9 doesn't count because its '09! There a zero there @sshole! You have to acknowledge that... If zeroes didn't count then you could use 4:50, June 7th '08 to acknowledge a streak of 4,5,6,7,8 and that's clearly f*cking stupid. Believe me, if I tried that, the newspapers would tell me to go screw myself.

Now the parents think it's some sort of good omen, how do they know? Maybe it's bad luck. There's no real precendent for this, that I know of. Do consecutive numbers all of a sudden mean good things? What if it means the child is destined to experience one tragic failure after another with no end in sight? Did you morons think about that? Sorry if this is coming off a bit brisk, but I can't stand people who make a big deal out of nothing, I've got enough problems as it is lady.

-Binkie McFartnuggets


How important is a U.S. President's first pitch?

The powers neglected to show President Obama's pitch hit the glove at the MLB All-Star game Tuesday night because they didn't want anyone to see it miss. Why wouldn't Fox want to catch that? Anyway it didn't miss and their gamble worked fine. That's the beauty of what they did. If he misses, they don't capture it on video and if he makes it they can just show it later. What they failed to realize is that there were tons of people all around with their iPhones recording the event so video would have been posted eventually.

There's a question that needs to be asked, how important is the President's first pitch? If he bounces it, does that actually show weakness? Everyone can have a bad throw, but for some reason it is symbolic. Failing to throw a good pitch is something that we the people would mock and link to incompetence, physical ineptitude, and irresponsibility.

It's just ridiculous how that works. Everyone wants to focus on the easy, plain, mundane tasks that a President engages in so they can apply that to their day-to-day lives and compare themselves with the President of the United States. Doing that is really hopeless and means nothing. Case in point, the 2001 World Series when President George W. Bush threw a perfect first pitch strike. Everyone erupted in joy because here was our leader showing his athletic coordination, he couldn't be that retarded could he?

And where did that lead us? Apparently throwing a strike gives you the ability to do whatever the hell you want without repercussions. So really, we should be upset that Obama didn't miss horribly and embarrass himself, not just the Republicans, all Americans. We don't want his confidence sailing too high, you never know what someone will do with that kind of power.

-Binkie McFartnuggets


What will Earth look like after we're gone?

For some reason people are really interested in what Earth will look like after humans go extinct... Why the hell do you care? You and anyone you've ever cared about will be dead. It really won't matter! Yet we have these shows like "Life After People" and "Population: Zero" that insist on showing us sh*tty graphics of monuments collapsing, basically cashing in on the lack of another 9/11 for 'shock and awe' value.

Some NASholes think Earth might end up resembling that bitch of a planet we know as Venus. It turns out that Venus may have had oceans at one point in time. Billions of years ago it even had a moon. You didn't know that did you? Yeah it's pretty f*cking creepy! For all we know there may have been humans or baboons living there!

The funny thing is, experts don't really know much about Venus at all. Since it's constantly cloudy, they can't see anything that goes on there. There could be volcanoes everywhere and all kinds of crazy sh*t, but all we can do is guess. There might be Venusese or Venusians or Venuslings (whichever term they prefer) there right now plotting an invasion of Earth. Honestly, I think we could all go for something like that, a World War II for the 21st century. Jump start our economy by producing more tanks and planes, though since we'd be fighting aliens, it might be free labor. Either way we'd all be working together like in "Independence Day," though you know after they figured out how to destroy those mother ships, the Israelis and Palestinians were at it again within four minutes. It was a nice little break anyway.

-Binkie McFartnuggets


What caused the Celebrity Death Storm of 2009?

This recent storm was one of the biggest celebrity death hurricanes in the past four decades. We will all undoubtedly remember the damage for years to come. But now that it's over, we have to take stock in what we have left. Lindsay Lohan, OJ Simpson, and the ShamWow guy somehow made it and thank God. But how long until the next storm strikes?

I would blame global warming and the recent El Nino effect that has also been affecting national weather, but that's what the media wants me to do. Then again the media wanted me to get scared about Swine Flu and that was pretty fun... Oh what the hell!

The world has not taken big enough steps to reduce carbon emissions and we are now paying the true price! Celebrities are our most precious resource, more important than oil, water, chocolate, and even babies. If we don't stop polluting the Earth, we might only be able to introduce our grandchildren to celebrities using old tattered magazines and worn out sex dolls with home printed photos taped over the heads.

-Binkie McFartnuggets


Should "The Running of the Bulls" be stopped?

Supporters say it's a fun tradition and opponents say it's pointless cruelty. Now I don't support tRotB, but I think we need to stay consistent. If you're against it, you have to be a vegan. If you're sitting there on your leather couch eating a cheeseburger, screaming at the TV about how unethical it is for the bulls to be taunted and slaughtered for entertainment, you should probably stop for a second to think.

I am not a vegetarian, so rather than ignore that and help fight for animal rights, I choose consistency over hypocrisy. It's a rare choice to make these days.

Cattle mutilation is pretty commonplace, even in America! Imagine that! There are cows bred specifically to have their throats cut open. How can you live in a country where that happens every day and villify people who at least give the bulls a chance to gore someone?

If you want to change things, you should take a look at the bigger picture. Keeping these bulls from running around and being killed by Spanish people isn't going to stop other animal slaughter from occurring. And that's what I don't get about vegans and vegetarian animal rights activists. They'll point their fingers at the dairy industry in America, but then ignore the rest of the world, as if animals suffering in Asia don't matter. The argument against tRotB is similarly opposite where someone being interviewed on the street eating a cheesesteak thinks Pampola is a savage land that should be invaded by our military to save the poor man cows.

Either fix the problems you ardently rail against or just stay out of it, OR don't claim to be appalled by animal slaughter and help where you can, knowing you aren't making a huge difference but that doesn't matter.

-Binkie McFartnuggets


Which water is most unsafe: Tap or Bottled?

Now that people are tired of talking about Michael Jackson, the new topic is FEAR! An original new topic to say the least. Fear of bottled water is now the big issue. If you'll remember awhile back, the big fear was of tap water... But now we're being batted back to this side like a rubber ball, and I'm sure the media assumes our IQs warrant the comparison.

It turns out that tap water may not be just as good as bottled water, but better. Many bottled water companies don't indicate where their water comes from, but really, who can trust the ones who do? It's such an easy racket, fill bottles with water and sell them to paranoid joggers.

I'm sick of this debate and I don't take either side. I won't drink tap or bottled water. I still fear tap water because it constantly tastes like lead, though maybe that's a problem with my plumbing. An individual problem! My tap sucks so I need other water. I'm not everyone else, imagine that concept! Maybe we all have to do what's best for ourselves without being told what to do by the media...

Anyways, I don't drink tap or bottled water, I drink right out of the toilet. The water is pure, fresh, and cold as an iceberg, as long as no one has used the toilet directly before I take a drink... I suggest you try it some time.

-Binkie McFartnuggets


No more YouTube comments?

As more and more YouTube channels begin making the transition to the manditory new channel design, comments are not being emphasized as they once were. While this can be seen as a good thing since most people who comment are complete morons, for people like me it's a shame. For me, comments were a way to express my thoughts about subject matter I would not normally have been exposed to. I would watch videos and tell jokes or come up with new ideas and share them with the world through comments.

Now with the new design, you're presented with all the videos on one channel page and comments are limited to a little box that folds out. It's pretty stupid, but then again I was getting addicted to writing comments, it's probably good that this happened. The best way to truly stop an addiction is to make it impossible for it to continue and just deal with it. But in tribute to my former comments I'll be showing a few of my favorites until doomsday when I plan to never make another YouTube comment again, for the most part.

This was one from a video called "Tickling a Gorilla" and the details read: "An adolescent Gorilla getting tickled."

See what I did there? I used the age of the gorilla to highlight a social issue inherent in tickling human-like mammal. I hope those kids learned something from that.

-Binkie McFartnuggets


What is with all these unoriginal number titles?

It seems these days if you have to name a show or movie you may as well just use one vague word then follow that with a number. "Warehouse 13," "District 9," ... "Passenger 57." Anyway you get the point, I don't have to go on listing these titles because you're probably as sick of them as I am.

I know they don't want to go all rogue and give something an outrageous title, but why not? Will naming a new show "Uncle Freddy's Rooster Lounge" really cause any harm? If anything it will attract attention to the program, especially if it's a sci-fi show.

What is with all these damn numbers? I'd expect these names from punk rock bands, but not movies. A band has to continue touring for years if they're lucky and live with the same name at the risk of confusing their fans. A movie, on the other hand, can use a novelty title to attract box office receipts and then just fade into the bargain bin at Wal-Mart.

Always bet on Black!

-Binkie McFartnuggets


Would this have been a better way to handle the Jacko memorial lottery?

I have to say on behalf of all Michael Jackson fans, (even though I'm not really one, though how can you not be to a slight degree?) that this lottery for who gets to go to the Michael Jackson memorial service is horse feces. Right now you've got tons of people who've never even heard "Thriller" unfairly winning the right to mourn Jackson. That right should belong to a true hardcore fan; the kind of fan that would have still supported Jackson even if he had been found guilty of child molestation. Now these tickets are ending up on eBay and true fans are being taken advantage of.

What they should have done was prolong this a little longer (which is what they're probably going to do anyway) and start a network talent show where millions of Jackson fans battle in physical challenges to win memorial tickets.

The preliminary group would first run through a giant obstacle course all dressed like Michael Jackson at various stages of his career. The first hundred to finish would then move onto the talent portion and do a song and dance where we at home will get to laugh at losers like in "American Idol." Then eventually we take the dozen or fewer talented people who are professional, rabid, Michael Jackson impersonators and force them to fight each other while trapped in a 30 foot tall barbed wire cage. The last person alive gets all the memorial tickets and then the losers have a final chance to tear him apart and whoever can get tickets, gets them. Yes I did just assume a man would win that contest... But if I had said "them" that would have confused the last word in the sentence "them" meaning the tickets with the ticket winner. And I can't call the winner "it" that's just insulting...

Now think of how entertaining that would be! They really lost a great opportunity here.

-Binkie McFartnuggets


What is this celebrity death pattern occurring?

First, we had Ed McMahon and Farrah Fawcett die. What did they have in common? They were both olde tyme television stars.

Then, Michael Jackson and Billy Mays died. What did they have in common? They were the greatest entertainers that ever lived.

After that, former boxing champ Alexis Arguello was shot to death, as well as recently retired NFL quarterback Steve McNair. What did they have in common? They were sports stars!

I think we see a pattern beginning to emerge. The next two celebrity deaths will ultimately be of a new occupation or realm of life. Could they be astronauts? Authors? Nature show hosts? I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Hopefully they're serial killers though, that would be convenient.

-Binkie McFartnuggets



Former boxing champ Alexis Argüello found dead?!

God, when will the madness stop?! I was wondering whose death could overshadow Michael Jackson's, then Billy Mays dies, and now Alexis Arguello? I'm halfway expecting Jesus to return, chill out for a bit while getting acclimated to life in the 21st century and then be found dead in a hotel at 3 in the morning!

The explosive thin man known as "The Explosive Thin Man" has died. Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, famous people keep being taken from us! The scary thing is, it's happening in an upward slope of famousness. The only good thing about this is, eventually it will get to a point where the next celebrity who dies won't be more famous than the last and we can ignore it because it makes no sense to mourn someone you never heard of before just because of the media's blood thirst to exploit the deaths of public figures.

This man had 82 wins and only 8 losses during his professional career! Family friends had said he was looking "energetic" and "cheerful." It's amazing how fast people can be taken away so soon. He was only 57.

-Binkie McFartnuggets