My Top 5 Most Common Shower Thoughts

A lot is being made of shower thoughts these days (thoughts you have while in the shower). You hear a lot of shower thoughts like “When you think about it, your mouth is like a giant third nostril” or “If chicken and watermelon is racist how come cotton isn’t?” It seems like everyone is sharing their profound shower thoughts on social media with the hashtag #showerthoughts so I thought I’d share some of the most common thoughts that come to me while I’m in the shower.

5. “Why did I wash my balls before my face?”
There’s really no right way to wash yourself, but the one golden rule is to save your genitals for last. You don’t want to wash your ballsack and then go right up to your face.

4. “I hope I don’t slip and hit my head on the faucet…”
I think this is a fairly common shower thought. Everyone has a little fear somewhere tucked away of slipping in the shower, cracking your head on the metal faucet and having someone find your naked wet body laying there covered in blood and shit from when you defecated on yourself after expiring.

3. “Is it just me or do I shed an abnormal amount of pubic hair?”
I’m the type of person who loses so many pubes and finds so many stray pubes that it doesn’t even make mathematical sense how I still have pubic hair attached to my body. Usually when I have this thought it’s after I’ve run my hands through my pubes and a bunch fall out like a movies where people see they’re losing the hair on their head when they’re becoming a zombie.

2. “I think I’ll start scrubbing my asshole now.”
Almost every other shower comes to this point eventually so this isn’t the most amazing shower thought. Still, it does qualify as a #showerthought.

And the number one most common shower thought I have is...

1. “Jesus, I hope that’s just a mole on my nutsack…”
Of all the shower thoughts you can have, this is one of the most frightening and gets you thinking the most. Is it simply a weird mole or could it be something a doctor needs to take a look at? You better hope you’re #blessed when you have this #showerthought.

I don't think you REALLY want to know what's going through my mind in the shower.

Dumbass Sayings: “I Love My Kids!”

Sometimes you’re at work and someone will randomly yell “I love my kids!” Okay, that’s well and good. The thing is, that should be a given. You shouldn’t have to tell other people that. Tell your kids that. Everyone else was already assuming you did. This is like saying “I eat food!” Good! We all do! You’d be a little suspicious of someone who said “I eat food!” By stating the obvious it would appear you’re overcompensating for a lie. For instance, the only person in a real world scenario who would ever say “I eat food” would probably be an anorexic person pretending like they didn’t have a problem. So when you say “I love my kids!” Who are you trying to convince? Another strange thing about this is no one says “I love my mother.” When was the last time you heard someone say that to you? Meanwhile compare that to the number of times you hear people talking about how much they love their kids. That’s kind of fucked up. So how about instead of stating the obvious about your kids you take that opportunity to say you love your parents. That would actually be a shock to people and something worth saying a little more often.

The mother's looking one way, the father's looking the other way, and the baby's saying "What do you want from me?"


Dumbass Sayings: “Even The Sun Shines on a Dog’s Ass Some Days”

When you’re out playing a pickup game of basketball with some guys from the neighborhood and hit the game winning shot, Jared says “Even the Sun shines on a dog’s ass some days…” Then he spits at your feet and walks away. Yes, Jared that is true. The Sun does shine on a dog’s ass some days, actually pretty much any time a dog goes outside and it’s not completely cloudy. This isn’t exactly a rare occurrence. The phrase is used to denote a rare occurrence so using such a common occurrence like sunlight making contact with a dog’s ass is a little stupid. Now if it was referring to the Sun shining on a dog’s balls then that makes a little more sense because a dog’s balls are usually on the undercarriage where they wouldn’t be exposed to as much light as the ass. Still, a dog is an animal that likes to be outdoors so that’s still fairly common. Maybe if it was referring to the Sun shining on a Cat’s balls that would be a little more accurate. Still, cats do lay out in front of windows with the Sun on them. If you want to be really accurate you’d say “Even the Sun shines on a morbidly obese man’s dick some days.” I think that would be a much more appropriate illustration of how something very rare can happen.

Looks like today is the day!

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Did Jurassic Park Make Dangerous Dinosaurs?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
Hey how come the old guy who made Jurassic Park decided to make raptors and T-rex dinosaurs? That seems like a really silly idea because just seeing any dinosaur would be cool enough. I would go there just to see a Triceratops and Brontosaurus. Those are amazing creatures. I don’t think I would be disappointed that there weren’t razor toothed 6 foot plus tall monsters capable of reaching speeds upwards of 50 miles an hour. That would actually keep me from wanting to go. Seeing lions and bears is nice but seeing giraffes and zebras is just as fun plus without the chance of dying. You’ve got dinosaurs there that’s all that matters. And on another note, they feed raptors entire cow and a goddamn T-Rex just a goat? Really? -- Alex from Dubuque, Iowa

Dear Alex:
John Hammond was the name of the old guy by the way, played by the late Richard Attenborough. Yeah in retrospect, breeding the velociraptors and T-rex was a bad move. You have to keep in mind that without those dinosaurs there wouldn’t have been much of a movie. The only reason nature broke loose was because it was hunting for human meat to eat. Nature wouldn’t have found away if all the dinosaurs were herbivores. Also, I’m pretty sure they only fed the T-rex a goat so they could do the severed leg on the ceiling of the car bit with the vegetarian girl. Many of the things that don’t make sense about “Jurassic Park” had to deal with making the plot of the movie better. For a more recent example, in “Jurassic World” they breed the dinosaurs to look almost the same as the ones from the first movie (even though we’ve learned that’s not what real dinosaurs looked like) because that’s what the public wanted. Well, I’m sure the public wouldn’t have minded if the dinosaurs were genetically altered to not have teeth, but then the movie wouldn’t have been nearly as exciting.

This is what real dinosaurs looked like. Often times logic and truth are in direct conflict with entertainment.

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Dumbass Sayings: “My Baby’s First Word Was Dada”

Every new parent is focused on what their baby’s first word will be. Mothers and fathers battle over whether the baby will say “Mama” or “Dada” first. The big problem here is, Dada isn’t a word. Mama is. I know it’s just a matter of circumstance, but the fact remains, “dada” isn’t an officially recognized word. It’s a mispronunciation. If we’re going to count mispronunciations as words then your baby’s first word was likely something like “agggaaa” which we could interpret as a mispronunciation of the word “agar.” “Aggaaa” is just as valid phonetically as “dada” so if you’re not going to count other misspoken words then you shouldn’t count “dada.” If anything maybe you could say the baby said “dada” and it sounded more like “data” which is an actual word. “Dada” is much closer to “data” than “daddy.” I guess the question we have to ask is why is “mama” a word and “dada” isn’t? To babies, “Mama” is to “mommy” as “dada” is to “daddy” but to dictionaries, the male version of “mama” is “papa.” The problem is adults still sometimes use the word “mama” but no one except babies say “dada.” Bottom line: “dada” isn't’ a word and it doesn’t count. If your baby says “dada” it’s still got a ways to go before it achieves its first correct vocalized word, sorry that’s just how it is.

Most babies talk like they have a mouthful of shit and sometimes they actually do.

Ask McFartnuggets: “If You’re Not Bisexual Aren’t You Sexist?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
People be talking about sexism and how sexism is a huge problem in the world today, though how you gonna say sexism is a big problem when almost erryone is sexist? Hear me out, aren’t you sexist if you’re a straight person because you find the idea of having sex with a person of the same sex gross and weird? If you’re a straight man then you sexist against men because you think they look disgusting naked and you would never have sex with one. If you felt the same way against Black people then you would be considered racist, wouldn’t you? I mean you can’t just say “I will never have sex with a Black person no matter what, that’s gross.” That would be racist as hell. You might have preferences but you can’t just make a blanket statement like that. You have to allow for the possibility there would be a Black woman who you would want to sleep with and if you’re not racist then that’s a distinct possibility even if it ain’t yo cuppa tea. So why is it okay to be that way about genders? How come this isn’t a definition of sexism? -- Avery from Charlotte, North Carolina

Dear Avery:
Yeeeeeaaaaaahhhhh… I guess you have a point there. The thing is, people’s sexual preference is sort of an accepted sexism. Of course you’re discriminating against people of your same gender, but there’s not really any malice involved the way there can be in traditional sexism. When you add to the fact that nearly all sexism occurs from one gender to the other, you can’t relate what you’re talking about to that issue. If you did then every heterosexual sexist person would be sexist against both genders for different reasons and that shouldn’t be possible. One of those sexisms would have to be negated and since sexism that demeans women is more prevalent and really the only sexism that exists right now, you can’t equate that to the sexism involved in simply not wanting to have sex with someone.

"Sexism" is just what we call unfair treatment of women.

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Dumbass Sayings: “You’re a Kite Dancing in a Hurricane”

Sometimes when you’re a secret agent, a older gentleman with a beard sitting in a chair will look at you and say “You’re a kite dancing in a hurricane.” Okay… I’m not really sure what that’s supposed to mean. Is that some sort of threat? If it’s a threat then why am I dancing? Dancing is a recreational activity and it unleashes pleasure endorphins in the brain. Also, if I’m a kite I’m not really sure what threat a hurricane poses to me. Honestly, if there’s a hurricane coming the one thing you’d want to be is a kite. A hurricane is a kite’s time to really let loose and fly to it’s greatest heights. A kite is at its most happiest when it’s in the wind and what is a hurricane besides very very strong winds? Now if I was a kite in a tornado that might be a little dizzying and uncomfortable, but a hurricane is pure ecstasy for a kite. That must be why I’m dancing. So what if I am a kite dancing in a hurricane? Also you have to be careful saying this to people because sometimes it sounds like you’re saying cunt instead of kite.

People have described my dancing to be "like a kite in a hurricane." There's a lot of waving arm motions and vicious side to side movements.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Is There Really No Such Thing As a Stupid Question?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
Hey Binkie I was just wondering is there really is no such a thing as a stupid question? I’ve heard people tell me there’s no such thing as a stupid question, but I find that hard to believe. Some questions have to be stupid, right? -- Cleve from Twin Falls, Idaho

Dear Cleve:
Of course everyone knows there’s no such thing as a stupid question! What are you a fucking moron?! Haha, I’m just having fun with you. But actually, yes there are stupid questions. Yours doesn’t really count as one. There can be a lot of stupid questions. For example: “How many adult chimpanzees are currently vacationing in your vagina?” That’s a dumb question. No one can defend that question. That’s just flat out stupid. “If I eat this rat poison will I learn to fly like a giraffe?” Another very stupid question. I could go on for days, but the point is, people say “There’s no such thing as a stupid question” to keep children from being embarrassed or ashamed to learn. That’s a valid concern and a noble cause, but a side effect of that is it legitimizes every possible question. It’s a small price to pay for the good that it can encourage. However, that doesn’t change the fact that there are indeed stupid questions out there. Ultimately, it boils down to just another lie we tell children to protect them. Thanks for the question.

Some people might think the question "Can I put my dick in that thing?" is stupid, but what's even stupider is to not ask and just do it.

Write in your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and don’t make it a stupid one! I’m just kidding, stupid questions are fine too.


Dumbass Sayings: “Body After Baby”

After women give birth to a baby, one of their biggest concerns is losing the weight they gained during pregnancy. They see photos online and in magazines of other womens’ “Body after baby.” and feel pressured to look like a model a week after they just shot a human out of their vagina. People are always saying “OMG did you see J-Lo’s amazing body after baby pics!” I think you mean “Body after giving birth.” When you say “Body after baby” that’s a little vague. It could mean the baby disappeared, the baby died, the baby got kidnapped, etc. If your body is AFTER baby then that means the baby is no longer part of your life for some reason. If you’re a parent who’s currently raising a baby after you’ve given birth to it then your body is technically “Body during baby” not after. Please be more specific because there’s nothing worse than complimenting someone on how skinny their “body after baby” is after they’ve lost their baby. “Body after baby” is truly a horrible thing and shouldn’t even be a phrase. When your baby is gone the last thing you care about is your figure, hopefully. You could call it “Post birth body” or “Body after birth” and that would be a little less horrible.

Any body is going to look better after you've shat one of these out of your pooncavern.

Ask McFartnuggets: “What The Hell is Sleep AIDS?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
I been hearing about this new thing Sleep AIDS on the news. Great just what I need a new STD to be scared of! What the hell is Sleep AIDS anyways? Do I need to sleep in my bed at night with a condom on and a preventative buttplug up my ass from now on? I heard it can be deadly especially when you’re driving; is this only for people who try to fuck while they’re driving? Will this Sleep AIDS ever go away? Are there people looking for a cure? -- Wayne from Columbus, Indiana

Dear Wayne:
I think what you’re referring to are “sleeping pills.” Prescription pills like Lunesta and Ambien are sometimes referred to as “sleep aids” because they aid you in falling asleep. Unfortunately that can sometimes be when you’re behind the wheel of a car which is why they’re considered dangerous. It has nothing to do with HIV/AIDS. I suppose one could get AIDS during their sleep if someone with AIDS was there and wanted to infect them, which is a pretty scary thought. If that’s the case the measures you mentioned of a condom and buttplug could be somewhat effective as a defense. One thing I could recommend is to sleep near a weapon that you could use to help fight off the attacker if you wake up in time. Make sure to sleep fully dressed, the more clothes the better. This could be a reason AIDS spreads so much in Africa. It’s too hot for people to sleep fully clothed in snow pants and winter coats. I don’t know, just a theory. You could wear a tight blindfold as a cover over your mouth to make it a little more difficult for them to get the fluids into your orifices. This may provide you the necessary time you need to wake up and fend off sleep AIDS attempt. Hope this helps!

Sleep masks are the safest sleep aid available, just make sure you're not accidentally using a used maxi pad or you could get actual AIDS.

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Dumbass Sayings: “Walking on Eggshells”

Sometimes when you grow up with an alcoholic father you have to be careful not to anger him by waking him up at night. It’s such a universal experience that Parker Brothers actually based a board game off of this situation called “Don’t Wake Daddy.” Of course losing at the board game never involved being thrown into a door so it lost points for realism. When you’re in a session later in life discussing this with your therapist they tell you that you have some issues related to the fact you were “Walking on eggshells” for your whole childhood. I don’t really get this idiom though. Why would there ever be eggshells on your floor? That’s the part I don’t get. If this was a common occurrence that people could relate to then I would understand the saying, but unless you’re living with a slob who just cracks eggs into the pan for breakfast and throws the empty shells on the floor, this doesn’t make sense. I get that eggshells are fragile and they’re easy to crack under your weight, but that’s not relatable enough. Also, why would eggshells be connected to someone getting mad? Now if this phrase was “Walking on bubble wrap” then that might be more appropriate. Bubble wrap is just as fragile as eggshells, when you step on bubble wrap it’ll pop them unless you’re careful, and the noise is much louder than eggshells which would be very annoying to someone and liable to set them off in anger. If you have to explain what a phrase means, it’s not really a good one.

Why not just say "Walking on babies"? Those are WAY more important to not break.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do People Always Tell Me To Drive Safely?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
How come I always see signs that say “Drive Safely” on the highway? Like that’s going to make me go OH RIGHT I FORGOT! I should start using my turn signals now! And after I leave a dinner people are always like “Okay get home safe! Drive safely! Be careful out there!” If I was drunk then I would understand people saying this shit to me. Actually if I was drunk I’d prefer if they take the keys from me and call me a cab. What the fuck is this “get home safely drive safely!” shit? And how come it’s only when you leave someone? No one ever calls up and says “Okay you gonna be there at 5? Great. Get here safely!” I’ve never once heard someone tell me to arrive safely. Isn’t that just as important? It’d probably be worse if you die on your way to a meeting because you never even got to share that experience with the people. If there’s ever a time to die it’s after you had a great meal and a lot of fun. Then you’re going out on top! Please tell me if I’m wrong here! -- Dolly from St. Paul, Minnesota

Dear Dolly:
I think people tell you to “Get home safely” because if you die on your way home they’ll feel guilty. They’ll think maybe it was something you ate or drank with them or you got too tired from meeting them. Also sometimes your hosts can be drunk even if you’re not. When you’re drunk you tend to be overly emotional and say unnecessary things. As far as the “Drive safely” signs on the highway, yes they do seem a little stupid and maybe you get distracted by one of them and crash, but it’s all coming from a good place. All these friendly warnings are just a way of defusing guilt in the case someone dies whether it be emotionally or legally. If someone dies after you say “get home safe” you can say “Well I told her! Not my fault she didn’t listen!”

The problem is not enough people know what "Driving safely" actually entails.

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Dumbass Sayings: “More Power To You”

Sometimes when you tell someone you’re going to sleep with their mother they say “I don’t give a rat’s ass. If you want to bone that dirty old skank then MORE POWER TO YOU!” More power to me? Now this is a confusing expression because it has two distinct meanings. The original meaning is for use in the following example:

“I got the job,” said Roscoe.
“I guess you deserved it more than me. More power to you!” said Gibblets.

In this case it’s meant to be a praise of someone’s success. The problem started when people began to use this in a sarcastic manner. Now when you say “Hey I’m gonna go to the titty club, get shithammered and try to pay one of them stripper ladies to tongue varnish my knob” your ex-wife says “Good! More power to ya!” Now obviously she’s not praising any success. In this context she’s basically saying “I don’t care. This is why I divorced you to begin with.” Now phrases are allowed to be used sarcastically, but when people don’t know the original meaning of the phrase, (the unsarcastic version) then they don’t even know they’re being sarcastic and that’s stupid. You need to know you’re being sarcastic when you’re being sarcastic otherwise it’s not really happening. How about instead of saying cryptic shit like “More power to you” just say “Good job.”? I think that would clear up a lot of confusion.
You want to spend your free time practicing to be a mime? MORE POWER TO YOU!

Ask McFartnuggets: “If 60 is the New 40 Doesn’t That Mean 40 is the New 60?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
I just turned 40-years-old last month and I feel like shit. My body is falling apart and I’ve been very depressed, I’ve been drinking a lot lately. I’m starting to wonder if that’s because all these 60-year-old people have been telling me 60 is the new 40. If 60 is the new 40 then that means 40 is the new 60, right? Or is 40 the old 60? Or is 60 the old 40? I’m a little confused about this stuff. Little help here? -- Wendell from Santa Fe, New Mexico

Dear Wendell:
I can understand your confusion here. However it’s important to realize that all of these sayings are bullshit. Ages are still the number of years you’ve been alive and nothing can change that. The saying “60 is the new 40” comes from old people who don’t feel that old. Therefore, 40 isn’t the new 60 even though 60 is the new 40. That seems like a logical fallacy, but you have to remember that it comes from the human life expectancy rising. If anything, 40 would be the new 20. Of course in your case it would appear that at least for you, old 40 is the new 60. Maybe by the time you’re 60 you can be the new 40 and relive the next 20 years of your life in a more enjoyable way.

Apparently 60 used to be the old 80.

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Ask McFartnuggets: “Did Amelia Earhart Help or Hurt The Women’s Movement?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
We all know that Amelia Earhart was the first woman to fly across the Atlantic solo and that proved that women could fly planes just like men. Then she tried to fly around the world and the accepted story is that she ran out of fuel unable to locate a landing spot and drowned in the ocean. What I’m trying to ask is when all was said and done did this help or hurt women? Because on the one hand yes she did make history, but then she failed and maybe led people to think “I guess women aren’t THAT good at flying after all!” I know when I get on a plane and the pilot is a woman part of me thinks “What if she decides to pull an Amelia Earhart on me here though!” Considering that, was Amelia Earhart really that great? If she made me sexist how good could she be? -- Raymond from Reno, Nevada

Dear Raymond:
It was unfortunate for both Amelia and women that she didn’t make her global flight, however in the end I think she contributed to the women’s movement far more than she detracted. She basically broke the stereotype that women couldn’t fly planes. When she disappeared over the Pacific she didn’t prove the stereotype that women can’t fly planes, she proved the stereotype that planes are fucking death traps. A man could just as easily have disappeared. If you need any evidence to support that statement just look at Malaysia Airlines. Now if you’re going to say that’s Asian pilots and connect that to Asians being bad drivers the same way women are seen as bad drivers then, all I can say is...  Thanks for the question and have a great day!

There's a rumor she didn't even die and has been chilling on an island with Tupac and Elvis.

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Dumbass Sayings: “Knuckle Up”

Sometimes when you accidentally bump into a woman while riding your scooter to work she says “Alright, bitch! You wanna do this? Knuckle up! Let’s do this! KNUCKLE UP!” This is apparently the new, hip way to say “Put your dukes up!” That didn’t make sense to say back then and “knuckle up” doesn’t make much more sense now. This sounds more like something you say right before you fist someone in the ass and/or vagina. I think this may have originated as a derivation of “Buckle up” which is a far more important statement to make. I will never argue with “Buckle up!” because of how important auto safety is, but “Knuckle up” is just stupid. First off, I don’t fight with my knuckles up so this saying is completely worthless to me. I use a Drunken Praying Mantis style which is unorthodox, confusing, and dangerously effective. Second, why would you tell someone to put their knuckles up? “Hey I’m gonna beat the shit out of you, but first I want to make sure you’re defending yourself properly.” No, if you really want to hurt someone you won’t say “Knuckle up!” You’ll pretend like everything’s okay and you’re not upset, wait for them to turn around, pick up a brick and smash them in the back of the head with it. So if someone ever says “Knuckle up” you can pretty much just take them as a complete joke knowing they really aren’t that angry and also are completely unfamiliar with how to defend Drunken Praying Mantis.

Who do you think you are? John Camel Heenan?!

Ask McFartnuggets: “Is it Weird to Cuddle with My Ex?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
Me and my ex-girlfriend have been broken up for about 6 months now but we still hang out and sometimes we even cuddle. We both realize a full-time relationship won’t work out, but we still enjoy the feeling of closeness that we used to have. We’re technically not back together and we never will be but we still like to do the cuddling. Our friends think we’re weird for doing this. Is it weird for me to be cuddling with my ex? -- Sandra from Burlington, Vermont

Dear Sandra:
It is a little unconventional, but cuddling with your ex is like riding a bicycle. A whore bicycle that slept with your next door neighbor. Sorry, I mean you never really forget how to do it, it feels natural. Basically what you’re doing is the equivalent of riding around your bicycle from childhood. People will look at your strange because it’s out of the norm and by all logic you shouldn’t be doing it. Society says you should have moved on to a better bicycle. Still, some people can’t move on and that’s okay. It’s like walking around with your security blanket except in this case the blanket is a cheating slut who drove a drill into your heart-- I mean it’s comforting, but it’s soiled from the past and that soiling is what should serve as a notification to find a new blanket. If you’re both happy then I wish you all the best.

Sometimes you really miss cuddling that sweet, bulbous red ass.

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Dumbass Sayings: "Put Your Money Where Your Mouth is"

When you challenge someone to a hardboiled egg eating contest they say “How about you make this interesting and put your money where your mouth is!” Why would anyone ever do that? Strippers won't even do this. If you’ve ever tried to put a dollar bill in a stripper’s mouth you know what I’m talking about. You get forcibly thrown out of the club. The reason money in the mouth is so unsanitary is actually because of strippers to begin with. Strippers put money lots of other places like their genitals and anus. There should be a way to literally launder money at home, but no one ever cleans their money. And because dollar bills are made of 75% cotton and 25% linen it’s like carrying around a clump of shitty underpants with you everywhere you go. The fibers soak in bacteria, dirt, and excrement. You have no idea where your last dollar bill came from. It could have come from a 7-11 cashier who took it from a hobo who just used his bare hand to wipe his ass five minutes ago. Everyone touches money and they readily exchange it. Every time you get your change from a store you're touching about 10,000 other people so just putting a single bill to your lips is basically the germ equivalent of letting a person dying of the plague fart in your face. I don’t even know how this makes sense as a figure of speech. Your money can be in a bank account in another country entirely and you can still make a wager. It’s nowhere near your mouth and has no reason to ever be near your mouth literally or figuratively. Your mouth is just where you say things out of. Your brain is where the belief that you can win a bet is held so the saying should be “Put your money where your confidence is.” If you put your money where your mouth is I’ll put my money where my mouth is and bet you’re going to get really sick.

When you think about it, money is basically used shitrags that we just pass around.


Ask McFartnuggets: “If I Slip a Woman a Female Viagra Can That Considered Rape?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
With female Viagra about to be approved by the FDA it’s got me wondering… Let’s say I’m at a club and spitting game at a chick and she’s giving me the cold shoulder. What if then I slip a crushed up one of my grandma’s female Viagras in her drink to make her super horny and we end up going back to my van. Is that rape? I mean let’s say in this scenario the chick isn’t even drunk. Is that better or worse than boning a drunk chick? Because I’ve obviously done that with no legal problems before. - Vasili from Miami, Fl

Dear Vasili:
Yeeeeeeaaaaaahhhhh… Normally I ignore all the questions about rape that people send me, but this one is a little different. I think this conundrum is the exact reason female Viagra has had some trouble being approved in the first place. Everyone knows the biggest customer for female Viagra is going to be men and that’s not really how it should be. I have a feeling the whole female Viagra thing is a big mistake, but to your question, I think your scenario fits the theory of rape. It may not 100% fit the profile of criminally punishable rape but it’s on the fence leaning the wrong way that’s for damn sure. The problem is you should never be putting anything in anyone’s drink. That’s usually bad no matter what you’re putting in there. The only thing that could save you here is if a woman still maintains her proper judgement on female Viagra. Will women on Viagra run around fucking anything? I doubt it, but that is what every man is hoping for. Now that’s where the confusion comes in because horniness obviously impairs your judgement no matter who you are whether it’s natural or from a pill. This opens up a very complex discussion that I’m not sure anyone has a proper understanding of. You start having to weigh out free will versus brain chemistry and hormones. Ultimately, I think this is a question for the courts to answer. My best advice is to not offer female Viagras to anyone in a bar or club setting because mixing alcohol with female Viagra is said to cause fainting and that would definitely be rape.

Female Viagra isn't supposed to be for date rape, it's supposed to be for something pure and beautiful, like allowing this woman to fuck despite all of nature's obstacles.

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Dumbass Sayings: "We Must Always Change Ourselves; Otherwise We Harden."

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe once said "We must always change, renew, rejuvenate ourselves; otherwise we harden." What an abstract and ridiculous quote. I don't necessarily believe in what Goethe is saying here because actually if you lay down and don't do shit living life the same way every single day you actually get softer and softer. If you're sitting on the couch not rejuvenating yourself you start to put on weight and the heavier you become the more soft and blubbery you get. If doing jack shit and never changing anything made you harder then those late night exercise infomercials would disappear since people's doughy bodies would be hardening merely from watching television. The main problem I have with this quote is that it treats hardening like a bad thing. Haven’t you ever seen the Will Ferrell and Kevin Hart movie “Get Hard”? Getting hard is part of survival. No one wants to be a soft punk ass bitch. Also even if you did get harder from never changing, I don't think Viagra would still be in business. The whole point of Viagra and Cialis is that people who lack rejuvenation (elderly people) are unable to harden. People aren’t made out of clay, Johann!

If you believe this saying then you likely model your life like a cement truck.


The Top 10 Worst Songs to Play at a Funeral

When planning a funeral for someone, music choice is a critical component. You want to play some of that person’s favorite songs along with just some sad sorrowful tunes to get people in the mood for mourning. What you don’t want to do is play any of the following songs:

10. “Play That Funky Music” by Wild Cherry

While this is a fun song that gets people dancing, it just feels too out of place at a funeral. Also the line "Lay down the boogie and play that funky music til you die" might feel a little insensitive.

9. “Thriller” by Michael Jackson

Another great song, however the zombie theme is inappropriate for a funeral. You don’t want to even tease at the possibility that the dead person will rise out of the coffin and do the Thriller dance. The family doesn’t need that kind of stress.

8. “The Bad Touch” by Bloodhound Gang

This is just an odd song to use to honor someone’s life. Unless they worked at the Discovery Channel I would avoid this one.

7. “Shake it Off” by Taylor Swift

The average person hears this song by accident at least five times a day so to hear it at a funeral would create some seriously bad vibes. One of the last things you want at a funeral is irritated guests. Also this could be extra inappropriate if the person suffered from Parkinson's or Epilepsy.

6. “Livin’ La Vida Loca” by Ricky Martin

Here’s another song that gets people dancing. Because of the ironic lyrics about living, it’s best not to play this anywhere near a corpse. Unless they died skydiving or doing something else that could be considered part of “the crazy life” and had a great sense of humor, don’t play this.

5. “Fuck You” by Cee-Lo Green

This is a catchy tune, but again the lyrics are what make it inappropriate for a funeral. People might think that you’re saying “Fuck you” to the deceased and that’s not good.

4. “Bootylicious” by Destiny’s Child

Hearing this song at a funeral will lead to a lot of confused looks on people’s faces. People at a funeral know they’re not ready for this jelly. They don’t want the jelly. They want to mourn the dead.

3. “Who Let The Dogs Out?!” by Baha Men

Pretty much no one wants to hear this song in any context of reality so it’s that much worse at a funeral when people are severely depressed.

2. “Since U Been Gone” by Kelly Clarkson

Usually any songs about a breakup are bad to play at a funeral ceremony because they contain a lot of bitter lyrics about someone who has departed from their life.

And the number one worst song to play at a funeral is…

1. “Yakety Sax” by Spider Rich (The Benny Hill Theme)

Despite the fact there are no offensive or inappropriate lyrics, the instrumentation provides all the inappropriateness needed to make this the worst song to play at a funeral.