Banned Pampers Commercial From The 1970’s

Here’s a family that was insane before it was cool to be dysfunctional. They weren’t able to have a reality show back then, but if they did you can bet it would blow the Kardashians out of the water. Or would the Kardashians blow them? I’m not sure.


3D Printer Draws Designs in Jello Shots

From YouTube - Spritetm

So this is what we’re doing with technology now. With 3D printers you can now print your own assault rifle out of plastic and then get smashed on fun looking jello shots. That sounds like a merry Christmas! Hopefully one day after you’re done binge drinking all your 3D printed jello shots you can use the printer to fabricate yourself a brand new liver. That would be convenient. In the future, 3D printers will be able to create everything that can kill you AND everything that can save you at the same exact time.

Salt Lake City Secret Angel Delivery Homeless Prank

From YouTube - stuartedge

Here's a bankers box to remind you of when you got laid off.

Salt Lake City has such a young and vibrant hobo community. I can’t tell if they’re homeless or just college students. 

I feel this is a little patronizing to these homeless people. Yes, it’s great that they’re being helped, but to tell them it’s an angel delivery service is sort of insulting to an adult’s intelligence. If these were homeless children I’d say that was fine. Maybe even if they were mentally ill it would be okay, but these folks are apparently all sane so it just comes off feeling strange. Also in the video one homeless guy says "Thanks" and the charity dude says "Any time!" Any time? I'm surprised the homeless guy didn't ask to move in. I'm sure that would classify as "any time".


Australian Guy Chokes Living Statue

From YouTube - gmcasey1

This would have made a great Fosters commercial. It seems odd, but this is how I tried to get a Buckingham Palace guard to laugh. If the living statue died in that fight would he be buried or would they just spray him with sealant and plant him on a marble base as his own memorial? That’s probably the one benefit to being a living statue, your family doesn't have to buy a tombstone because you’re it.

Everyone has a talent and for living statues that talent is standing still. I don’t get why they stand still though, if you’re a living statue that means you should get to move around. If you’re a dead statue then that’s just a normal non-moving statue. I don’t care what your insides are doing. It’s very dangerous to be a living statue because if you pass out somewhere no one will call you help, they’ll just think an actual statue tipped over and they might just take a piss on you or something.

By the way, how weird is the word "Statue". Look at it. It doesn't even look like it should be a real word. Maybe it's just pretending to be a word. What a POSEUR! Again, another word that doesn't seem like it should be a word. Why are they all French?

The Top Ten WORST Songs to Have Sex to of All-Time!

Music is like a drug and songs are like hits of a drug. Some hits enhance experiences, others ruin them completely. Here are ten of the worst songs to have sex to of all time. If any of these are on your “Romance” mix CD, do yourself a favor and remove them immediately or risk permanent emotional scarring.

10. James Baskett - “Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah”

A classic song and a catchy tune, but it just doesn’t fit the mood of sexual relations. Plus, the odd racial overtones give it that added element of awkwardness.

9. Rick Astley - “Never Gonna Give You Up”

It WAS at one time the most romantic song ever written, but thanks to the trend of “Rick rolling” it’s hard to make love to this song seriously.

8. Beach Boys - “Problem Child”

This is not a widely known song, but it was the ending credits theme from the 1990 film “Problem Child”. It’s a fun song, but it’s totally ill fitting for lovemaking.

7. The Andy Kaufman Wrestling Entrance Theme

Normally I’d say this is a great song to have sex to, but it’s 25 seconds long and most women will tell you that just isn’t enough and you need to "go see a doctor or something".

6. Frank Sinatra - “My Way”

This song is great, but let’s face it, it’s better suited for funeral tributes and if there’s anything the police have told me it’s funerals and sex DO NOT mix

5. Tiny Tim - “Tiptoe Through The Tulips”

Most people consider this song to be a little creepy even when there isn’t a man in a human skin mask caressing their body. So when I put on my human skin mask, wow, talk about uncomfortable!

4. The Tetris Song

It’s a song most people enjoy and boning to this is a famous Russian tradition, but the main problem is it speeds up toward the end and if you try to keep pace you can suffer a heart attack. No bueno!

3. Dr. Seuss - “You’re A Mean One, Mr. Grinch”

Nothing takes a person out of a sexual mood like hearing a man sing ridiculous insults at a “Grinch” character. Just the imagery of a “dead tomato” and “moldy purple spots” really ruins the sexiness of any situation.

2. The Lion King - “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”

The only saving grace to this song is the fact that it’s not actually Jonathan Taylor Thomas singing. Nonetheless, it won’t be long until you remember the scene where Mufasa dies and before you know it, you’re weeping like a little girl which really tends to frighten most women.

1. Vince Guaraldi - “The Charlie Brown Theme”

I don’t care if it’s Thanksgiving or Christmas, this is quite possibly the worst song to have sex to. Personally, I enjoy it, the rhythm is great, but I have been told countless times it’s creepy and it has ruined many relationships for me so that’s why the Charlie Brown Peanuts song is the number one worst song to have sex to of ALL-TIME!

Woman Flippantly Flipping Her Car

From YouTube - Frisco68

“Hi, this is Becky from OnStar-- Oh, it’s YOU again…”

I originally commented on this video that her daily routine is “Wake up, shower, get coffee, flip car, walk to work.” But it really does seem like this is normal for her. At this point this woman is on a first name basis with everyone at OnStar and emergency services. If this had been me flipping my car I would at least have said something like “Holy shit…” But that’s the type of thing you say when something that’s never happened before has just occurred. No one says “Holy shit” after they finish brushing their teeth. The only way this video would have been better is if Britney Spears “Oops, I Did it Again” was playing on the radio.


The First Racist Robot

From YouTube - ivcvideo:

When I watch a video on YouTube I like to make a quick comment that I think people will like, but sometimes I have more thoughts about the video so instead of posting another comment I’ll write them here.

This is a video about a sorting robot that was designed to autonomously segregate colored candies like M&Ms and Skittles. I commented that it was the first racist robot ever and while I know racism implies hatred, a feeling no robot can experience, this could still be a very dangerous technology.

Sure it’s just sorting out candy today, but as we all know this is just the first glimpse of a device that will develop over time. Imagine how terrifying this will be in a hundred years or so when it’s 100 feet tall with a giant claw picking out Hispanic, White, African American and Asian people from a group and throwing them in a giant collection tank or whathaveyou. When the robots gain self-awareness it may be entirely possible that they would want to split us up into groups before harvesting our brains and organs. It seems farfetched at the moment, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

A Christmas Carol on Drugs

Ever wondered what would have happened if Scrooge just got high as hell off of NyQuil instead of seeing the ghosts of Christmas?


How Come I See BinkieMcFartnuggets Comments All Over YouTube?

Lately, a few people have started asking "Why do I keep seeing you in the YouTube comments?" and "Are you Satan?" Here's the answer to those questions:  Some people read on the toilet, I watch YouTube videos and write comments on them. Who in god's name would spend time from their actual day watching random YouTube videos? No. Toilet time is video time and there's nothing wrong with that. The way I see it, I'm viewing shit while I'm taking one. I suggest everyone do this. It really helps you relax. If you're focused on shitting with no distraction sometimes you can clinch up and your bowels won't evacuate entirely. If you're watching stupid cat videos, everything loosens up and before you know it, YOU'RE DONE!

Who can argue with this? I'm merely stating facts here.

So yeah, I may spend anywhere from 5 minutes to several hours watching YouTube videos, depending on the mood of my colon that day. If you see my comments all over the place it's because over the past year I've been doing a lot of crapping, much like a fetus. There you have it, a little insight into my world. Now you know whenever you see one of my comments, I was shitting when I typed it. You're stuck with that image now. You're welcome.

If you see me everywhere, it's only because you're everywhere too... Yeah, let that swirl around in your head for a minute.


5 Reasons Why Numbered Lists Are Taking Over The Internet

Slowly, but surely every single article you read online will be in the form of a list. The number of items in the list don’t even have to be classic like Top 10 or Top 25, you’ll find lots of articles that say shit like “17 Reasons God Hates You” or “73 Ways To Get Dog Vomit Out of Your Lingerie”. It’s a little tiring to see over and over again, but everyone loves reading these things and here’s why:

1.) People like categorized information. It’s in the human brain’s nature to group information about everything in life to make it more digestible. Whether it’s grouping food into “dairy” and “gluten-free”, or grouping people by ethnicity or even grouping dumbass internet articles, your brain loves grouping things.

2.) You can stop reading at any time and walk away like you gained some information. Most articles that are not made of listed bullet points require reading the entire thing to feel like you absorbed the information, but with lists you can just read random points quickly and gain information or if it’s a Top 36 list you can just scroll to the bottom and save yourself the time of reading the rest of the bullshit.

3.) The internet loves fads. When something has proven to be successful everyone else jumps on board like a bunch of brainless lemmings. In today’s internet culture we like to think everyone’s original and interesting, but the fact of the matter is people are even more brain dead than ever before and can’t wait for the next bandwagon to jump on so they can feel the comfort of being similar to millions of complete strangers.

4.) They’re easy to write. Writing a single cohesive article that flows together into one single thought can be very challenging, but if you just say “Here’s 5 things about something…” You can just write out the numbers first then add your stupid bullshit in throughout the day without losing a train of thought because there is none.

5.) You can just make up the last one when you realize you don't have a complete list. Then you can just cap it off with a summary.

People love numbered lists, bloggers like writing them and old women love reading them. That’s 97% of the internet right there so as long as that’s true numbered lists will be come more prevalent until every single thing on the internet is a damn list. Won’t be long before you log onto Jackmaster.org or whatever porn site and you see things like “Top 74 Interracial Bukkakes” and “39 Reasons You Need A Bigger Vagina”


Gaylord The Pup: The Saddest Toy Ever Created

Ever wish you could own a dog that was on the brink of death at all times but never actually passes away? Well finally the Ideal toy company has created a special toy for you and yes it has a very controversial name that would not be acceptable in modern day America. Meet "Gaylord the Pup" or as he would be known in today's politically correct America: "Homosexual the Recreational Cybernetic Organism".


Should It Be Illegal To Text Someone While They’re Driving?

New Jersey is trying to make it illegal to send texts to people while they’re driving. Some people even believe that you should be held liable for a death if you text a driver who gets into a fatal accident. I think it’s sad that this is how inseparable we humans are from our phones these days. Shouldn't the obvious solution to this problem be to simply ignore your phone and any incoming texts while you’re behind the wheel? NO! That’s an absurd notion in today’s world. Much easier to just scour text records pulled from phones in bloody wreckage to determine which sentence caused the crash.

I understand this is a sensitive topic because so many young people have lost their lives texting while driving, but this is a common sense issue. Texting while you’re driving is pretty much like running with a chainsaw, you can’t be shocked when someone dies as a result. The trick is to be more responsible with your phone, car, and/or chainsaw.

Making texting to drivers illegal just doesn’t make sense. The logistics behind enforcing that law would be insane. It would be easier to just devise a digital link up between people’s phones and cars that shuts down texting capabilities while a car is in motion. Instead, it’s all a blame game after the tragedy which doesn't help anyone.

The main question I have with enforcing a ban on texting to drivers is “how the hell is the texter supposed to know someone’s driving?” If I send someone a text that says “Hey did you see Justin Bieber twerking at the VMAs?” to someone who happens to be driving on a freeway at the time and they think “Hey, I’m going 70 miles per hour in a ton in a half of steel, now would be a good time to check my messages!” What if they then read my text and careen off a cliff, is that my fault? My text was a direct catalyst for the accident, but should I really be held liable for that person’s death? I don’t think so. There’s too much gray area within this concept which is why it won’t work.

The simple answer is for drivers to exercise some discipline and not text while driving or even read texts while driving. I think we’d all feel a little better if we knew everyone else on the highway was 100% focused on the road in front of them and not scrolling through Twitter or playing Candy Crush, or whatever the distraction may be. Cars didn’t magically become invincible since the advent of text messaging. Ultimately, the responsibility lies with the driver. To hold someone who texts a driver liable for an accident is like holding Barnes & Noble liable for some idiot who decided to read a book when they crashed their car. Hopefully by the time we have phones implanted into our brains, the cars will be able to drive themselves, otherwise that might be the gradual extinction of the entire human race right there.


Disgusting Classic Sloppy Joe Commercial From 1960's

This is probably the best argument for veganism I've ever come across. Fortunately the government has forced Libby's to stop making this product. Of course Americans weren't as fat back then as they are now, they were constantly vomiting from eating crap like this!


The World's First Fully Functioning Hoverboard Commercial (Racist)

So I found this really old commercial that features hoverboards and the worst part is, it's racist. Listen to the way they say the word "Black" and why are they so concerned with only "Black heel marks"? Why not blue or grey? That's some racist BS right there. And what ever happened to the hoverboards, huh?! WHAT HAPPENED!


Should Roller Coasters Have Weight Limits?

With the recent story of a large woman who was fatally thrown from a Texas roller coaster, the popular discussion is about roller coaster safety and weight restrictions. Could a weight limit have saved the woman’s life? The answer may be yes, but let’s face the facts here. If you’re significantly overweight then your risk of premature death is pretty damn high anyway. If you’re living a life of indulgence then you enjoy things like bacon and theme parks, that’s what America is about. To put a limit on that would be to put a clamp on the very tube which democracy flows from.

Sure we put a height restriction on coasters, but that’s just because dwarven folk experience TOO MUCH fun. If they were able to enjoy roller coasters on top of all that then it would truly be a charmed life. That has to be the only reason there’s a height restriction because as we all know any adult midget has the upper body strength to hold onto the bar and stay safe during even the most extreme coaster ride. There really shouldn’t even be a height restriction, just an age one because we damn sure can’t have babies being flung off the Superman ride all willy nilly.

A weight restriction goes against the very fabric the American flag was woven from. It’s not Americans’ responsibility to be thin, it’s the roller coaster makers’ responsibility to make stronger safety belts. The roller coaster companies have to step into the 21st century and adapt to the times. People on average are heavier and huskier than ever so they’re going to have to take the necessary steps to make coasters safer and keep our plump citizens from flying off their rides. If anything at least put a very thick level of cushion underneath the roller coasters. I mean why isn’t that a thing? Sure it’s expensive and if you fall from a certain height you might just land on your neck and die anyway, but it’s better than concrete, am I right?


Ask McFartnuggets: “I Slept in My Contacts!” and “How to Make Peace with The Lord?”

Dear McFartnuggets: I accidentally slept in my contacts last night and my eyes hurt a lot. Should I go to the doctor or call my optometrist? Help! What should I do? -- Turdboy87@netzero.com

Dear Turdboy: How the hell did you manage to sleep in your contacts?! Even if you somehow managed to split the contact open into two pieces like you’re fileting a pork chop it’s too small for even an ant to fit inside that thing much less FALL ASLEEP! Are you sure you really slept in your contacts or did you fall asleep with your contacts in? Those are two completely different things. If you did manage to do the latter then yes your eyes are most likely horrifically damaged and you should contact an eye doctor immediately, thanks for the question!

Dear McFartnuggets: I’ve been pondering my own mortality a lot lately and I feel the spectre of death looming over my shoulder like an inevitable surprise waiting to pounce on me. I’ve never been a very religious person, but how can I make peace with the lord before I die? I don’t want to get up to Heaven and have it be all awkward, I’m looking for the least awkward situation in Heaven’s bursar’s office or whatever as humanly possible. -- Melanie from Detroit

Dear Melanie: The great thing about the lord is he/she is the lord. That means its a magical being that can do pretty much anything and everything and last time I checked, mindreading and understanding are things. Therefore, we have to assume that the lord will read your mind and know that you want to make peace with it and honestly that should be enough to understand. If I can understand your willingness to make peace with the lord, surely that lord can. It’s not rocket science! And as far as keeping your intro to Heaven as non-awkward as possible just remember to cover up your genitals with your ghost hands and try really really hard not to fart even though as we all know in Heaven farts smell like potpourri.

Thanks for the questions and keep on sending them to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com


Enough of The Anthony Weiner Puns Already!

Every photo of Weiner is a dick pic.
If you’re like me then you’re a wee bit tired of all the Anthony Weiner penis puns that have been presented in the media. We get it, his name is Weiner. What are we? 25-years-old? It’s not even like Weiner is an odd name, it’s fairly common. If this man’s surname was Cockhammer or something, then I’d see the need to highlight that, but even still, it’s just a name. So can we please cut the crap and try to have Weiner come out of our mouths without smiling?

Anywho, the 2013 New York mayoral campaign is beginning to heat up and things are getting messy. Anthony Weiner started off strong, rose quickly, and came hard, but now it appears he may have blown his wad a little too soon in the race. New revelations about past discretions have put a stranglehold on the sloppy Weiner. The main trouble for Weiner is he’s facing very stiff competition for the role of New York Mayor. If he wants to win he had better go hard or go home because if he blows it again the voters won’t hesitate to give him the shaft.

A second Weiner sex scandal was a huge blow to the stomach and has made the electorate feel like they’re being jerked around. The scandal put Weiner in a sticky situation and left a huge stain on his campaign, but despite that, according to recent poll numbers Weiner is appealing to Black voters in a big way. Unfortunately he’s having very small influence on the Asian community who unsurprisingly supports candidate city comptroller John Liu. 

Why does Anthony Weiner even want to be in politics? He’s sent enough penile photography to suggest that his main focus in life isn’t public office. He and his wife should just leave politics and start up a new pecker photo dating website called Weinerbook or MyWeiner or WeinerdIn. All I’m saying is Weiner might as well face it, he’s aDICKted to love.


The Largest Roll of Toilet Paper Ever Created By Man

Some people argue that the purpose of humanity's existence on this planet is to test our limits and the boundaries of invention and science. The people at Charmin took that to heart and developed the largest roll of culopaper ever seen by man. No one knows if anyone ever got to wipe their ass with it, if not I'm sure it's in a museum somewhere and if they did then I'm sure it clogged more than a few toilets. 


The First Booty Call Ever

If you were wondering where the phrase "Booty Call" originated, look no further than this 1960's Charmin toilet paper commercial that was subsequently torn off the air faster than you can say "Why is there blood on my toilet paper?!"


Classic Old Commercials From The 20th Century

The 20th century was a trying, turbulent time for so many people. A lot happened: World War I, World War II, and most importantly television. Here's three commercials from the black and white era of TV that will help you understand what the 20th century was all about.


2016 U.S. Presidential Candidate Binkie McFartnuggets

Yes, I have entered the 2016 Presidential campaign and for this reason I am releasing videos to help educate the public on where I stand on the issues. There are rough times ahead, but together working as a team we can rise to the top as one America.


Very Scary Murderous Clown Commercial (Horrific)

If you wanted to know where Stephen King got his inspiration for Pennywise the Clown, look no further. Krinkles the Clown was one of the pioneers of horror along with Bozo and lead the world in causing children nightmares. The difference is, Bozo was a generally nice guy who just looked psychotic whereas Krinkles was a legitimate taker of lives and mortal souls.


Things You Should NEVER Put Hot Sauce On

I put that on EVERYTHING!
People who really love hot sauce make some weird claims like "I put that on EVERYTHING!" But the fact of the matter is, it's impossible to soak the entire planet in hot sauce and even IF you somehow managed to pull that off, the rest of the universe is still a "thing" so that's an impossible statement. You do not put hot sauce on EVERYTHING and here's a quick list of things you don't and should never put hot sauce on:

5). Dogs. - There's simply no reason to put hot sauce on dogs, the flavor is already rich enough JUST KIDDING. You know why not to put hot sauce on dogs, ya crazy!

4). Genitals. - Some people may differ, but as a man who has had pepper spray on his face and nutsack I have to say it is horrible. The burning is excruciating and even after soaking in baby shampoo and milk for days you still have the blistering and peeling of skin to deal with.

3). Police Officers. - They don't like this. If you pour hot sauce of a police officer make sure to bring extra for the guys in your holding cell at the precinct.

2). Corpses. - This is just disrespectful. Contrary to popular belief, the open casket funeral is not open casket so you can apply hot sauce.

1). Babies.
- Babies and hot sauce do not mix. If you're one of these people who claims to put hot sauce on everything I sincerely hope you missed babies because that's bad news. If you're soaking babies in hot sauce you're wrong and I think deep down you know it. Please stop.


Mindblowing Classic Toilet Paper Commercial

Here's one of the first truly impressive special effects ever pulled off on a television commercial. Long before E*Trade making a baby appear to be speaking like a 30-year-old dude, Charmin shocked the world by putting a movie inside a newspaper held by a lesbian.

It Costs $20,000 to Amputate a Leg

In the aftermath of the Boston Marathon bombing, a lot of victims are facing medical bills that include costs near $20,000 for leg amputation. How can it cost 20,000 dollars to cut off someone's leg? Most serial killers throughout history would do something like that for free. Not only do these victims of the bombing have to deal with the trauma of being attacked for no reason, but they have to decide between keeping their leg and possibly dying or having their leg amputated. Normally having your leg chopped off would be bad enough, but charging anywhere near $20,000 is the literal definition of adding insult to injury.

The victims are receiving donations from good people, but why don't the hospitals just have leg amputations on the house? That would be a great gesture of kindness. I guess since they're a hospital who saves people all the time they have no need to impress people by doing charitable things, that's how they can get away with charging people 20 grand for leg removal. It just doesn't make sense. People were amputating limbs back during the Civil War with hacksaws. I'm sure if you charged folks even a nickle for that they'd want to shit on your face, that's all I'm saying.


Lunatic Hanging Upside Down Holding A Lamp Talking Bollocks

I don't always like to clear my mind and speak on the things and topics that are very relevant and poignant to the people of today, but WHEN I DO I do it upside down in a Batman mask wearing a fisherman's hat holding a lamp wearing Elvis sunglasses.