Ask McFartnuggets: “How Do I Get That Last Little Bit of Poop Out?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
I’ve been pooping for the better part of 36 years now and I still can’t figure out what to do when I get that little bit of poop stuck right inside my butthole I don’t know what happens, it’s like it’s stuck in anal purgatory. It’s too small for gravity to take effect and for me to get any grip on it with my butt sphincter, but it’s too big to forget about. It’s too far in to wipe out and too far out to ignore because if I leave it up there it will just slide out slowly throughout the course of my day into my pants. What is the best way to mitigate this problem? -- Carlita from Miami, Florida

Dear Carlita:
Yes I know this problem very well. The first thing you can do to proactively prevent something like this from happening is consume mass quantities of fiber. This will help bind your feces together into nice convenient whole blocks. There may always be some stragglers left behind, but this will help. Now if it’s too late and you’ve got those little pebbles stuck in the vestibule of your anus what you need to do is give it a good push. That means you need to get gassy and get gassy fast. Eat beans and drink coffee (bean juice) anything that your body can quickly digest and create farts from. Then once you feel yourself getting gassy finish the job and send those bastards out like you just opened a plane emergency exit at 30,000 feet.

It's important not to strain. It rarely helps and could cause serious injury.

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Dumbass Sayings: “All is Fair in Love and War”

The English poet John Lyly is credited with the proverb “All is fair in love and war.” Lyly was alive during the 16th century so he never got to see what war or love would transform into. Since his death we’ve had World War II, Vietnam, the Iraq War and internet porn so it’s understandable that this saying would no longer be applicable to modern life. Since Lyly’s death, we have seen the birth of the Geneva Convention that specifies what is fair in war and believe it or not, it’s not just a piece of paper that says “Do whatever you want, it’s all fair.” There are certain things that are considered unfair tactics which include improper treatment of prisoners of war.

Love has also changed a lot since the 16th century and while things may have gotten a lot more relaxed, there probably are more rules now than there were in the 1500’s. With police forensics units going around with amazing technology at their disposal, you really can’t get away with all the stuff you used to centuries ago. And of course these days you cannot truly compare love and war. They’re two completely different things. Anyone who’s ever tried waterboarding their spouse to find out if they’ve been cheating on you knows that while effective, it is entirely wrong. Plus, if they’re not cheating then that makes continuing the relationship incredibly awkward. So no, love is not war and certain things are unfair in them.

If only we could have a safe word in war.

A Possible New Solution For Climate Change

Whales play a tremendous role in our ecosystem. We all know they eat krill and take huge shits, but did you know that the nitrogen in the whale shit actually helps regulate our planet? Whales come to the surface of the ocean to poop and it’s a good thing they do because the nitrates in the feces fertilize plankton. That plankton is then responsible for absorbing carbon dioxide and producing oxygen just like a tree. When plankton die, all the carbon they’ve absorbed is deposited at the ocean floor. This process is a huge key to maintaining the current climate as well as the health of our oceans and planet. Now the question is, how can we multiply this effect to have an even more beneficial impact on the planet? How can we get the most out of whales as whaley possible and keep that whale shit flowing? Clearly the answer is to create some type of Taco Bell for whales. Taco Bell has been and remains the king of all diarrhea. It may have been in a close race with White Castle, but when Taco Bell decided to start serving breakfast which meant adding coffee and eggs to their menu, they pulled ahead for good. No one can touch Taco Bell on the diarrhea mountain and they’ve made very sure to keep it that way. That said, scientists need to formulate a way to create a krill based Taco Bell food source that will stimulate the bowels of whales and produce as much feces and nitrate as possible. We need those whales to be doing two things: eating and pooping. There’s simply no time for anything else. We need to move on this. Time is running out.

The average Blue Whale shits approximately 3 tons of waste per day.

Dumbass Sayings: “What Seems To Be The Problem, Officer?

Whenever you get pulled over wearing women’s underpants over your face with a blood alcohol level ten times the legal limit you usually say “What seems to be the problem, officer?” At least that’s what you think you just said. In reality you actually said something more like “What semen cement to the problem ossifer?” But with your half paralyzed tongue and all the drool in your mouth, it sounded more like “Whaaaaaaaa ossifaaaaaahhh!” At that point I think it’s more of a rhetorical question because it’s quite obvious what the problem is. Do you know how many times cops must hear this phrase? You need to mix it up sometimes. Instead of saying “What seems to be the problem officer?” say something like “Greetings and salutations, officer! This glorious evening finds in well health I trust!” or “I need to speak to my lawyer right now.” There’s no sense in patronizing the police. They know you’re going to try to be their friend and they see right through that. Just get right down to the business and cut the crap. It will make everyone’s lives a lot easier.

It's important to be original, but don't get too exciting.

Ask McFartnuggets: "Why Are We Still Using Pizza Boxes To Transport Pizzas?"

Dear McFartnuggets: 
Why the hell are we still stuck using pizza boxes as the method to transport pizzas? Have you ever had to take a pizza home and walk with a pizza box? It’s ridiculous. You have to hold it like a dumbass waiter and avoid bumping into people. It’s like walking around with a goddamn tray of hors d'oeuvres. I think if pizza places would just stack slices and put them in a vertical rectangular box then you could put it in a bag and walk with it easily. Why don’t pizza places do this? Why the hell do we have to keep the pizza in it’s circular form? -- Brianne from Los Angeles, California

Dear Brianne:
This is an interesting question. Pizza boxes are traditional and people enjoy them. If you had pizza slices stacked on each other like a big slice of cake then that would grease up the bottoms and maybe during the traveling process this effect would ruin the pizza. I assume it would be edible and still be okay, but that’s definitely hurting the pizza experience. Plus, carrying a pizza with you does make you look like a jackass which is the point. You have to get it delivered and that creates jobs. If everyone could just pick up their pizza and walk with it looking normal then there might be one less job out there and that can never help an economy.

If pizzas were stacked slice on slice it would make it harder for pizza deliverymen to soil or tamper with your entire pie.

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Dumbass Sayings: “Six Free Yeast Rolls”

Golden Corral buffet is currently promoting a “Six free yeast rolls” deal where you get six bread rolls to take home after you pay for two adults. First off, “yeast rolls” is what I called my ex-wife’s stomach fat. If you could smell what was growing under those rolls you’d understand. And let’s get another thing straight here, things aren’t free if you have to pay for them. Saying “Six free yeast rolls (with purchase of 2 adult dinners)” is like saying “Free food (with purchase of meal).” Why not just have a commercial that says “Free chicken and steak and ribs!”? Basically they’re assuming that people don’t steal food from all-you-can-eat buffets so it’s an added benefit to be able to take rolls with you when you leave. I done been doing that, Golden Corral. No one’s going to pay for just six yeast rolls, so giving them for “free” doesn’t even mean anything. That’s like a fifteen cent value. It’s like a restaurant advertising “Free after-dinner mints!” No one’s coming in there specifically for free yeast rolls especially when they’re technically gonna pay for them. When you go to Golden Corral you actually pay twice. Once at the door and then again a few hours later on the toilet when your asshole is begging for mercy.

Mmmm, love that yeast!


Ask McFartnuggets: “Do I Still Have The Right to Freeze Peach?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
I always hear people talking about Americans’ right to freeze peach and freedom of depress. I understand I have the right to be depressed, but what is my right to freeze peach? Why were the forefathers so concerned with frozen fruit? And now these radical Islamic groups are threatening our right to freeze peach by attacking cartoon newspapers. If I want peach flavored ice cream or sherbert or even sorbet do I still have that right? Will I be killed for that? I’m afraid to go into a Baskin and Robbins and order what I really want now in case some mad gunman shows up like it’s an Australian chocolate cafe. -- Dianna from Independence, Missouri

Dear Dianna:
Okay, let’s just clear some things up real quick. This is America and you have the right to do whatever you want with most produce. You can stuff a meat locker full of dozens of boxes of peaches if that’s what you so desire. You can freeze all the peaches you want! The only people who might get upset with you about that is people from the state of Georgia if you’re ruining all their peach crops with frost. Actually, at that scale I think it would be a problem so okay fine you can’t freeze all the peaches, but within reason. A little peach freezing here and there is fine, but be aware that pushing it too far can cause problems and offend the wrong people. Oh and just for future reference, it’s the “right to free speech” not “freeze peach.” Also it’s “freedom of the press” not “freedom of depress.”

The founding fathers were very clear about peaches and peach temperature.

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Dumbass Sayings: ”Rules Were Made To Be Broken”

When you were in high school and some of your colleagues were smoking reefer in the girls bathroom you said “Hey that’s against the rules!” to which they replied “Rules were made to be broken…” Umm no. No they weren’t. If that were the case why even bother making rules to begin with? Clearly rules were made so people would abide by them and others would enforce them. If we wanted people to just keep on living like old west outlaws we wouldn't have conceived of and instituted the concept of rules. That's like saying “Floors weren't made to be walked on.” No, that's specifically what they were made for, actually! I think somewhere along the line someone heard the saying “Records were made to be broken” which is actually true and replaced the word “records” with “rules” because they both start with “r” and that person was a moron.

Some people say "Rules were meant to be broken" but then I get arrested. "Don't defecate in public" is a rule isn't it?

Ask McFartnuggets: "Is Throwing A Snowball Considered Assault?"

Dear McFartnuggets: 
Last night a group of local hoodlums were throwing snowballs at people walking on the sidewalk and they hit one old lady in the face and ran away. I was tempted to call the cops, but the woman claimed to be okay. Is that technically an assault felony? Would I have been right to call the cops and would the cops have arrested the kids? I'm talking about preteens here. I just felt it would be dumb to bring the police into it even though it was a situation that might warrant their intervention maybe. -- Carlos from Ronkonkoma, New York

Dear Carlos:
Yes technically that is assault. Throwing anything at someone is illegal. Snowball fights are like sex, they can be fun provided both parties are willing. If one is not then things can get messy. Now whether or not they would be arrested probably depends on how they interact with the officer when he or she arrives. If they don't seem like real threats then you might be the one who looks like an asshole, but if they become enraged and defensive then who knows, it may even lead to a "justifiable homicide" if things get out of control. You can never tell these days so you have to keep that in mind when questioning if you should call the cops or not.

Drop the ball, jackass!

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Weird Ass Old “Awake” Beverage Commercial

It’s not surprising this beverage was discontinued. After all they basically filmed a prostitution exchange in the damn ad. And in case you were wondering, no it wasn’t old enough to where seventeen cents was a lot of money.

Dumbass Sayings: “Age is Just a Number”

When you make a wry remark about your great aunt’s thong at Easter and tell her she’s too old to be dressing like that she says “HEY! Age is just a number!” No... “Age” is a WORD. It’s silly that people say this because it only serves to make them appear even more senile than they are. I think what they’re trying to say is “MY age is just a number.” Sadly, even saying that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense because it’s not just a number. If age was “just a number” you could say you were negative 5,439 years old and it may as well be true. Unfortunately we live in reality where your age is quite literally a denotation of how many years you’ve been alive on this planet. The most years you have, the older you are and the closer you are to a naturally occurring death. It’d be nice if that’s not what cumulative years meant, but it does. There’s nothing wrong with getting older, everyone does it. You’re better off just accepting it and marching to your grave with confidence and poise than backpedaling in denial. When you backpedal in denial that usually results in tripping and falling backwards unexpectedly and not only does that make you look foolish it means you never got a chance to properly prepare for the conclusion of your life. Age isn’t just a number, it means how old you are. Embrace it.

Yeah and 69 is just a number too, right?

Ask McFartnuggets: “Is My Grandfather Slowly Becoming a Woman?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
Help me Binkie! I think my grandpa is becoming transgendered. He’s starting to look like Bruce Jenner and it’s really scary. I don’t know why this is happening but the past few years he’s started wearing his hair in a ponytail and acting all fruity. He used to be a very tough looking guy. Now he’s almost 80 and becoming more and more transgender with each passing month! What the hell is going on here? -- Nicky from Beaumont, Texas

Dear Nicky:
I don’t think your grandpa is “becoming transgendered.” What you’re witnessing is completely natural and normal. All men basically become women as they get older. Have you seen Paul McCartney lately? When you become an elderly man you lose testosterone naturally and you generally become more cranky because you’ve got all sorts of aches and health concerns. It’s like you’re on a permanent period which is known as “MANopause.” That’s the odd thing about aging, men and women almost sort of become the same thing because our sex organs shut down and close up shop. Once that’s happened there’s really no point in having a gender identity aside from the fact you know no other way to live. This is also why you see a lot of gruff elderly women with goatees who seem a lot like men. It’s just how things work.

The older you get the harder it is to live up to people's definition of a "man."

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Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do People Always Buy Milk and Eggs Before a Big Storm?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
When I go to the store before a big storm to get supplies and food in case I’m snowed in or the power goes out I always see that the dairy section where the store keeps eggs and milk is always ransacked. Everyone is running around crazy saying “Where’s the milk? Do you have this kind of milk? Is there anymore milk?!” I don’t get it. If there’s a huge storm then there’s a chance the power could go out. If the power is out then your refrigerator stops working. If your refrigerator stops working then everything inside goes bad and milk and eggs are some of the most perishable food items there are. Why in god’s name would people be so eager to purchase milk and eggs before a storm? Do they go on clearance sale or something? -- Deb from Augusta, Maine

Dear Deb:
Some people have generators in their homes that help power their refrigerators when the power goes out. For those who don’t, I think it’s just a subconscious decision to purchase eggs and milk. They’re gearing up for a big storm and probably a little nervous so when they go to the store they get the main things they always get at the store and those main things are milk, eggs, and bread for the most part. If they were smarter would they be purchasing nonperishable goods? Maybe, but you have to remember a lot of people are borderline mentally disabled these days. I haven’t seen any store that puts those items on clearance before a storm, though that would make sense if they don’t have a backup generator. Of course then people would be dissuaded from purchasing the items if a power outage was that likely even if there was a discount.

Nothing gives you the strength to fight off a storm like some good ol' milk and eggs.

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Dumbass Sayings: “Living Well is the Best Revenge”

There’s a popular saying that people use after they’ve been taken advantage of or hurt and that’s “Living well is the best revenge.” The idea is that it’s better to just focus on improving your own life than deal directly with your enemies. It’s a nice sentiment, but it’s ultimately false. If living well was really the best revenge then Bruce Wayne would never have become Batman. He would have just enjoyed his life as a billionaire and that supposedly would have been enough to pay back Joe Chill for murdering his parents. Now that may be a passive form of revenge, but it’s certainly not the BEST. I think beating the shit out of someone would be the “best” revenge. If a man murders your family I don’t think he gives a damn if you’re living well after that. It’s not like people who screw you over keep tabs on you to monitor how well you’re dealing with being insulted or mugged. They move on with their evil lives and could care less. What they do care about is themselves and so attacking them either verbally or physically of course would be the most satisfying revenge. The only issue is the potential jail time that might result from your vengeance, but that’s why this saying should be “Erasing someone and leaving no trace that it happened is the best revenge.” Living well probably comes in at a distance second place.

If living well is the best revenge then owning a yacht is like stabbing the guy who kidnapped your daughter.

Ask McFartnuggets: "Why is Superman Called a Man When He's An Alien?"

Dear McFartnuggets: 
How come people are always calling Clark Kent Superman? They also call him Man of Steel. He’s not a man, yo! He comes from the planet Krypton you idiots! The last time I checked that meant you were not part of the human race aka a MAN or woman. He's a damn alien and people need to start referring to him as such. Call him Superalien or some such term. Superkryptonian or some shit. Come on ya'll! -- Kelvin from Dublin, Ohio

Dear Kelvin:
People call him Superman because we wish he was human. We all wish we could be like him and so anything we can do to relate to him or relate him to us helps. Also, he's saved Earth and people so many times that he's pretty much an honorary human at this point. Also, Superalien just doesn’t sound as good. I think the best we could do is just refer to him as Kal-El, his actual name. It’s kind of like how Chinese movie stars come to America and get American names. Bruce Lee’s real name wasn’t Bruce Lee, but it would have been weird to call him Lee Jun-fan or Super Chinese. Hopefully that puts it into terms you can understand.

It's a good thing Superman didn't look like this. We would have probably killed him ourselves.

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Ask McFartnuggets: “How Was The Everlasting Gobstopper Supposed to Put Slugworth Out of Business?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
Lemme get this straight, Willy Wonka invented the Everlasting Gobstopper to put his rival Slugworth out of business. Now the Everlasting Gobstopper was a candy that you could suck and suck and suck and suck and it would never get any smaller and it was made for poor kids. This seems like a severely flawed business model for a candy. Candies make money because they get used up fast so releasing a candy that would last someone until the end of time isn’t exactly what I’d call a smart financial move. I don’t see how that would specifically lead to Slugworth going out of business. I do see how it could put Wonka out of business including Slugworth and everyone else in the candy business out on their ass. What would be the point of that? Creating an Everlasting Gobstopper would be like creating the cure for Cancer. Money comes from repeat business not a cure-all! Not to mention those Gobstoppers must have gotten filthy as hell with kids taking them out their mouths and just puttin them on a nightstand. That’s some sickening shit right there. There’s no way that product would have lasted on the market. -- Craynifa from Worcester, Massachusetts

Dear Craynifa:
Yes there were some flaws with the concept of the Everlasting Gobstopper, but there’s no doubt in my mind that it would have been a financial boon for Wonka. The Gobstopper could have in effect ended all world hunger. The amount of positive press Wonka would have gotten from that would have been insane. Then to top it all off, everyone would have an EG and the Wonka brand would be in every single home and every single mouth on the planet. If people could be sated merely by a single sucking candy then I might agree with you about the business model being flawed, however people would crave other flavors, textures, and candies which would lead them to desire more of Wonka’s confections. Ultimately, he would have become the rule of the world.

They also made real lickable wallpaper, but wall herpes put an end to that in a big hurry. 

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Dumbass Sayings: “Never Judge A Book By Its Cover”

One of the most frequently used sayings in the English language is “Never judge a book by it’s cover” or “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” This compares people to bound sheets of literature. The idea of this saying is that you shouldn’t make assumptions on the character of a person based on their outward appearance the same way you shouldn’t assume what a book about by merely looking at its cover. That said, you can tell a lot about a book based on its cover. For example, if a book is called “Goodnight Moon” it’s most likely not about sadomasochistic relationships. If a book is yellow and black and says “For Dummies” on it you can assume it’s not aimed toward intellectuals. These are things you can rightfully assume by merely looking at a book’s cover. Sometimes making these assumptions can save you the time you’d waste reading a book from the start only to realize what you initially guessed long before you opened it. The revision I would make to this saying is “Never ONLY judge a book by it’s cover.” Of course you can use someone’s appearance to make judgments about them, it would be stupid not to, but in addition to that you should take a look at their reviews on Amazon as well as the plot summary. Once you take all that in you should be able to make a reasonably informed guess on what they’re about.

If you judge books by their covers you might assume this book is boring.

Ask McFartnuggets: "My Spanish Coworker Keeps Calling Me By The Wrong Name!"

Dear McFartnuggets: 
We just got a new employee at my job and he’s from Guatemala or some shit. Anywho, I introduced myself to him pretty early on and said “Hola, my name is Glen” and despite that he’s been calling me by the wrong name constantly. I tried to correct him once and he still keeps getting my name wrong. It’s getting a little awkward now I don’t know what the best way to deal with this is. I really don’t get it because it’s not like he’s off by a little, he’s calling me a woman’s name. He keeps calling me Mary Cone. -- Glen from Houston, Texas

Dear Glen:
Okay… I may be wrong here, but I think he’s calling you “maric√≥n.” This is a Spanish word that means “coward” or more specifically “homosexual man.” I really could be wrong here, but that just sounds to me like what’s happening. To be honest, I’m not sure what you can do about that other than try to avoid this guy. I’m not sure what happened between you two, maybe he just doesn’t like you. Try to give him his space and if he continues then at least you used to not know what it means so you can’t be 100% offended. If it becomes a problem I would contact a supervisor or human resources.

A lot of people mistake the word "maricon" for "macaroon" or even "marcaron."

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Dumbass Sayings: “You Wouldn’t Like Me When I’m Angry”

The TV/comic book character David/Bruce Banner who turns into The Incredible Hulk has the famous catchphrase “Don’t make me angry, you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.” This saying became popular based mostly on what happens after he says it because then he turns into a giant green monster and smashes things. If that part didn’t happen then this sentence would be seen for what it is really is: a painfully stupid thing to say. Of course no one likes you when you’re angry, no one likes ANYONE when they’re angry. Name me one person who becomes more appealing when they’re filled with rage. Saying “Don’t make me angry, you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry” is like saying “Don’t make me stab you in the chest, you wouldn’t like me when I’m stabbing you in the chest.” I’ve said that to someone before and you know what? They laughed right in my face because it sounded stupid. Of course it sounds less stupid the second you take a knife out, but that’s exactly how the Hulk got away with this silly catchphrase to begin with. Any catchphrase no matter how dumb instantly becomes less dumb when followed with extreme violence. He could have been saying “Don’t make me angry, it makes my tummy feel silly!” and that probably would have caught on too.

You wouldn't like me when I'm angry because I'm clawing your face open with my hands.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Is it Still Considered a Hit and Run if I Drove Away?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
Long story short I hit someone with my car and I know that’s wrong and a bad thing to do, but I don’t think what I did qualifies as a “hit and run” because I just drove away. I didn’t run. I know sometimes people hit someone with their car so hard that their car breaks and they have to run away on foot and those people often get caught and arrested because they did a “hit and run.” I didn’t run though, I drove. That doesn’t count as a “hit and run” right? -- Norman from Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Dear Norman:
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight… Technically what you did would be considered a “hit and run” by law enforcement and the judicial system. I know the verbiage is a a bit misleading, but simply leaving the scene of the collision is considered “running.” It doesn’t matter if you drove away, crawled away, or flew away with a jet pack. As long as you left and were not present and held accountable at the scene of the incident that is a punishable offense and a quite serious one at that. The right thing to do would be to turn yourself in, but for future reference just know that leaving after you run someone over is only making the situation worse. Hope that helps.

Actually it's rare that a hit-and-run results in someone leaving their bloody car on fire and running away on foot. 

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Ask McFartnuggets: “Can I Use Nair to Give Myself a Home Brazilian Wax?”

Dear Mcfartnuggets: 
I need to get all the hair off my privates including my bootyhole hair, but I don’t feel comfortable having a stranger apply a wax strip to my unmentionables. Is it okay for me to buy a bottle of Nair and just slap some of that onto my B-hole? -- Raylonda from Ewing, New Jersey

Dear Raylonda:
Well the way Nair works is it’s a chemical depilatory that breaks down keratin which weakens hair so it falls off. The problem is, human skin contains keratin so if your skin is particularly sensitive (which the “b-hole” tends to be) you may experience chemical burns. Nair is really only for the arms and legs, they don’t even recommend you use it on your face. I mean think about it, if it was safe for faces that would kind of put the entire razor market out of business. So if it’s not good enough for your face why the hell would you want to risk slathering your craphole with it? Best case scenario: it works, worst case scenario: your stinkhole is covered in painful weeping blisters. I’m not sure that’s worth the risk.

Waxing yourself is possible, but for some reason people love having someone else do it for them.

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Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Are People So Mad About The Patriots Deflating Balls?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
The New England Patriots playing with deflated footballs has become the biggest news story in America! I’m surprised we aren’t seeing people wearing shirts that say “Je Suis Deflated Balls.” How can this be the most enraging thing in the world to people in today’s world? I’m glad it is though because my husband heard all this stuff about “checking balls” and I guess subconsciously checked his own testicles and found a strange lump. We’re going to get it checked out tomorrow and hopefully it’s nothing, but if it is is something then hopefully we caught it early and this whole DeflateGate nonsense saved his life! So thanks Bill Belichick and Tom Brady! Thank you for tampering with the balls! -- Mary from Rosemont, Illinois

Dear Mary:
Wow. Well I guess that’s good for you then. That’s a nice benefit to this whole scandal. The NFL does a lot for breast cancer awareness so for those working at testicular cancer awareness this could be a blessing in disguise. That being said, it is cheating. No one knows how long the Patriots have been doing this. It basically means that Tom Brady and BIll Belicheck were cheating and knew it which has to tarnish their great legacies. This is really our Muhammad cartoons. This is the silly thing Americans get riled up about. Thankfully we don’t kill anyone over it, yet.

Balls are like tires, you need to check them every once in awhile to avert disaster.

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The Top 10 Worst Potential Board Game Movies

"Hey this would make a good movie!"
"No. No, it wouldn't..."
With “Quija” coming to theaters soon, it’s just the newest board game being brought to life on the silver screen. We’ve already seen “Clue” and “Battleship” and movies about “Hungry Hungry Hippos” and “Monopoly” are currently in the works, which begs the question “When will they stop with this bullshit?” If history has shown us anything it’s that the only good movies about board games involve board games that didn’t actually exist like “Jumanji.” If Hollywood keeps adapting board games into movies, here are the top 10 you’re going to want to avoid:

10. Scrabble
With the popularity of “Words with Friends” you’d think a Scrabble movie could be in the works. This would be incredibly boring, but the benefit is maybe it could help enhance the vocabulary of the average American.  

9. Crocodile Dentist
This was a game where you pull teeth out of a crocodile’s mouth. I think the only chance of seeing this as a movie died along with Steve Irwin in 2006.

8. Sorry
A fun game, but the pieces basically look like tiny butt plugs so that’s a no go.

7. Chutes & Ladders
This was based off a very old board game called “Snakes & Ladders” which only sounds like a slightly more interesting plot premise. When you remove the snakes there’s really no fun to be had.

6. Parcheesi
This is an American adaptation of a classic Indian board game which if made into a movie would probably be one of the first times America has stolen a movie idea from India instead of the other way around.

5. Yahtzee
Yahtzee could be made into an interesting movie, the biggest question is do we have an actor out there talented enough to portray The Cup? The answer is no.

4. Chinese Checkers
Checkers is one of the most popular board games ever made along with Chess and Don’t Wake Daddy. You simply cannot adapt these into movies. And the fact that it’s Chinese Checkers gives it even less of a chance unless Jackie Chan is starring in it.

3. Trivial Pursuit
While this sounds like a descriptor of most modern day movie plots, it still wouldn’t be a welcomed sight in theaters.

2. Connect Four
Explain to me how you would make this game into a movie. Now think about how stupid that sounds.

And the award for Worst Possible Board Game to Motion Picture Adaptation goes to…

1. Tiddlywinks
The only people who are going to see this are people who mistakenly think it’s some kind of British porno. Boy will they be disappointed! Of course the actual porno adaptation of this would be called “Diddlywinks.”

No, this isn't a scene from "Tyler Perry's: Monopoly."

Ask McFartnuggets: “Is Black Ice Really More Dangerous Than Regular Ice?”

Dear Mcfartnuggets: 
People are always telling me to “Watch out for Black Ice” when I’m driving. Is Black Ice really that much more dangerous than regular ice or are these people racist? Are people afraid of Black Ice just because of its color? That seems ignorant to me. I think we should treat all ice equally. That’s what Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. would have wanted. Am I right? -- Louie from Bethesda, Maryland

Dear Louie:
“Black ice” is really just a stupid term. The ice isn’t African American or even dark colored, it’s completely transparent. It’s the asphalt underneath the ice that is black. To answer your question, black ice IS regular ice. The fact it has a special name is incomprehensible. It’s just ICE. Ice is frozen water. Water is clear. And telling someone to “watch out” for black ice is also idiotic because you literally can’t. That’s the whole reason “black ice” is so threatening. People can’t see it and it causes them to skid. You know why people can’t see it? BECAUSE IT’S CLEAR, not black.

Ice isn't black, it's clear. Get used to it.

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Dumbass Sayings: "Be Still My Beating Heart"

Sometimes when you flirt with one of your grandma's friends down at the retirement home the old lady will say "Oh be still my beating heart!"  I never understood this saying. Of course we all know it's Shakespeare, but that doesn't excuse the fact that it makes no damn sense. Why would you want your beating heart to stop? You realize you'll die, right? If your beating heart goes still you will be technically deceased. Stop inadvertently wishing for cardiac arrest. If anything, say "Calm my pounding heart." That would make more sense. It's not Shakespeare, but at least it communicates your message in a less nonsensical manner as opposed to 16th century English that is outdated even for 89-year-old women at death homes.

Good thing you don't always get what you ask for.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Is it Better to Poop in the Morning or Night?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
What is the better time of day to take your daily poops? Is it better to get it over with in the mornings or save it up for the nighttime? I try to get it over with in the mornings though sometimes it causes me to be late to work. What is your advice? -- Tonya from Nova Scotia, Canada

Dear Tonya:
I am a staunch supporter of the morning bowel movement. There’s simply no reason to be going throughout your day carrying a lower intestine full of shit. Yes, it is nice to be able to take your time with a relaxing night dump without having to get to work, however it’s just not worth the risk of holding that burden with you all day. In the end it’s worth risking being a little late to work to avoid being in a situation where you’re speeding home from work about to crap yourself. In both scenarios you’re rushing, the big difference is if you’re rushing to work after pooping there’s almost no chance of shitting yourself. If you’re rushing home after not pooping all day then you’re taking a larger risk with your dignity and personal well being. If you’re racing home about to drop a dos in your pantalones then you’re going to be taking some serious risks behind the wheel and your mind won’t even think twice about it. That’s not just putting your life at risk, it’s gambling with other people’s lives as well. It’s incredibly dangerous and not a situation you ever want to be in. Don’t invite that possibility into your life. Get your crapping done early. Trust me.

Morning dumps have become part of my normal morning routine just like a shower.

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