Ask McFartnuggets: “How Do I Fart Quieter?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
I have a little problem to admit. I’m a loud farter. I know everyone farts loud to a certain degree, but people have made it a point to tell me my farts reach decibel levels that are unacceptable. I know I can’t just stop farting, heck I wouldn’t want to! Farting is natural, I know this. I just want to know if there’s anything I can do to make my farts quieter. -- Linda from Coral Gables, Florida

Dear Linda:
To answer your question, yes there are a few things you can do to decrease the volume of your farts. For starters, many people who get Brazilian waxes and shave out their ass hair experience louder farts due to the lack of insulation the butt hair provides. When you’re farting with completely bare cheeks the vibration of the crack flesh produces a much deeper and snappier sound. If by some chance you’re removing your butt hair you need to cease that immediately. If you really want to dampen the sound of your farts I would recommend going the extra step to grow your ass hair out even longer, thicker, and fluffier than normal. There are volume enhancing shampoos on the market that can help with that as well as perhaps Rogaine-type hair growth treatments. If you just have naturally thin butt pubes I would recommend putting some other sound dampening material in the seat of your underpants like acoustic foam that’s used to soundproof rooms. Try that and get back to me. I’m fairly certain you’ll be happy with the results.

If possible, you want your underwear to act as an anechoic chamber that absorbs all sound. 

Write your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and I’ll see if I can’t help solve your problems.

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