The Top 5 Worst Foods to Eat When You Have a Cold

When you have the common cold there are certain foods everyone typically eats like saltines and chicken soup. However, there are other foods that people don’t typically don’t eat and it’s for a good reason. Here are the top 5 worst foods to eat when you have a cold:

5. Peanut butter
When you have a cold you’re usually congested and stuffy and it feels like there’s peanut butter in your sinuses and in your throat. Therefore, eating actual peanut butter will only increase that unpleasant sensation.

Congestion in a jar.

4. Cotton candy
You rarely see people eating cotton candy when they have a cold. That’s because having a large amount of sugar in your digestive system can limit the body’s absorption of vitamin C. Vitamin C of course is a very crucial part of the immune system which means eating sugary foods like cotton candy which is pure sugar can make the cold even worse.

That's a shitload of cotton candy!

3. Hard Boiled eggs
Hard boiled eggs are bad to eat when you have a cold just because it’s disgusting. Hard boiled eggs are kind of gross even when you’re not sick so when you have a lot of extra mucus in your throat and you’re sneezing all the time, eating eggs is not the best idea. All you have to do is sneeze with a mouthful of hard boiled eggs once and you’ve got a huge, disgusting mess on your hands.

Satanic eggs on Christmas? Seriously?

2. Indian food
Indian food can be good to eat during a cold because of all the spices, but you generally eat it with your hands which can be gross to do when you’re sick. If you’re at a restaurant where people are sharing from a communal dish then there’s a tremendous chance you will get everyone sick.

Mmm, doesn't that just settle your stomach!

And the number one worst food to eat when you have a cold is…

1. Fast food
Whether it’s Taco Bell, KFC, White Castle, or Wendy’s you should never eat fast food when you’re sick. When you’re sick and you have a compromised immune system the last thing you need is explosive diarrhea. Not only is it an added discomfort, but it causes you to lose valuable fluids. Everyone knows one of the most important things to do when you have the flu is to stay hydrated. Well, it’s tough to do that when you’re losing all your hydration out the ass.

It's called FAST food because that's the speed at which it travels through your colon.

Dumbass Sayings: “Food Baby”

When people eat a lot and their belly becomes distended sometimes they call that a “food baby.” This is a really weird term for a few reasons. First off, the full human digestion process only takes around 24 hours. That’s a very short labor term. That’s a an 8 hour trimester. If a real baby was crapped out only a day after it started developing, it would have about as much of a chance to survive outside the vagina as an actual piece of feces, but that’s the only thing food babies and real babies have in common. Unless you’ve been insanely constipated, a doctor will not pull a food baby out of your butthole. Unless you ate a lot of Taco Bell, your “water” should never break. I hope to god you never have a food baby with an umbilical cord connected to it or have a food placenta fall out of your ass too. Obviously you could never have a silent birth. And of course, no one spanks your food baby on the ass, wraps it up in a blanket and hands it to you. Calling it a “food baby” created a disturbing “link” between babies and poop. A real mother would never drop her baby in a toilet. If you’re unprepared to raise your food baby properly make sure to give it up for adoption. Do the right thing.

If you eat placenta just make sure not to have too much, you wouldn't want a baby food baby.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Does Guacamole Turn Brown So Fast?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
I love guacamole. The only problem is it goes bad too fast. I can literally watch it turn brown and rotten in minutes if I just leave it out on the kitchen counter. Why does guacamole do this? What is guacamole’s problem? Is it tanning or something? It’s like a reverse Michael Jackson, it wants to turn brown! -- Ricardo from Atlanta, Georgia

Dear Ricardo:
Guacamole has to turn brown fast, if it didn’t it’d be too hard to tell when it went bad. Guacamole already looks like a baby diarrhea and sinus infection mucus smoothie when it’s at its freshest so if it stayed like that for days you might eat it thinking it’s fine. The reason it turns brown is because avocados oxidize quickly when exposed to air. It’s a good thing guacamole turns brown though, if it didn’t it would be like fish and you’d never know when it went bad. Since fresh guacamole looks like severely turned mayonnaise, it has to go one step further to look nasty when it’s actually going bad which nature decided would be turning brown. I hope that clears this up.

Awww, someone sneezed on my burritos!

Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com


Classic Psychotic Woman Ivory Soap Commercial

Here’s an ad from the golden age of TV for soap. And yes, that was a doll at the end. What happened to the baby we saw earlier in the commercial? I’m guessing the 0 56/100th% had something to do with it.

Dumbass Sayings: “Good Sport/Bad Sport”

Sometimes when your wife asks for a divorce and you cooperate with her because you don’t take any of it seriously she says “Thanks for being a good sport about this.” A good sport? What are you calling me football or something? Who the hell comes up with this stuff? I’m not an athletic recreational activity, Janet! I’m a goddamn human being! Baseball doesn’t have feelings. There’s no crying in baseball! Well look at these tears, you heartless bitch! I gave you three of the worst years of my life and after all that you’re going to call me an athletic pastime? That sickens me. And I guess you’ll decide to call me a “bad sport” for how I’m acting now. Oh right, like I’m golf now. That makes sense! I’m badminton. I’m cross country skiing. Well if sitting by quietly while you walk out of my life with our kids and half my money makes me a good sport then you may as well call me curling! You think this is over, bitch? No… No one calls me a sport and gets away with it. Call your lawyer, whore. It’s going down now!

I am NOT whatever the fuck this lady is doing!

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Did Hackers Leak The Annie Remake?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
Why did the Sony Hackers leak the remake of “Annie”? They were trying to hurt Sony by leaking their movies, but how many people would actually pirate that movie? The type of people who pirate movies aren’t likely going to want to see the little orphan Annie. I doubt that’s going to hurt much business. You go to “Annie” to do something with your daughter, you don’t download a torrent from a pirate site and watch it on a laptop with them. That’s a weird way to bond with your kid. I’m not sure that’d be teaching them the right lessons. Wouldn’t the kid ask “Mommy, how can we see the movie at home if it’s in the movie theaters?” Then you have to explain movie piracy to them, the new paradigm of small outside parties hacking worldwide corporations, and that opens up a whole other can of worms. Who would really welcome that? -- Vanessa from Providence, Rhode Island

Dear Vanessa:
That’s a fair point. I’m not defending movie piracy here, but you could just make up a lie to tell your child and let them enjoy the movie on an iPad or playing it on your TV. Any movie being leaked online would hurt a movie company as long as their target demographic wasn’t amish people. It may not have hurt them much, but I’m sure Sony wished it didn’t happen.

Nothing like pirating a movie about orphans to achieve that warm tingly holiday feeling.

Write your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com


Dumbass Sayings: “If You See Something Say Something”

If you ever go on a subway there are always signs that say “If you see something say something.” This is of course in reference to seeing a suspicious bag or box or other device that could be a bomb. This is just a flat out ridiculous phrase. First of all it sounds like something you’d say to a class of kindergartners. I don’t know why adults need a little fun phrase like this to remind them that if they see something that could be a bomb they should alert the authorities. This phrase is very condescending, but if you’re going to condescend to people and treat them like complete morons you should go all the way. This phrase should be changed to “If you see something, say something TO THE POLICE.” You can’t just mutter “Wow, that looks suspicious...” to yourself and think that’s enough. Yes it does meet the literal criteria of “See something, say something” but it doesn’t do anything to help. If the folks who wrote that phrase think people are that stupid then they should cover their own ass by being very specific. There could be tons of idiots who see potential bombs and mumble “something…” then think they’ve done their duty and walk away. We just never hear about it because it would have been a false alarm anyway. That’s the other thing about this phrase, a million times out of a million and one, a suspicious bag is just a bag. When you “say something” it causes the police and bomb squad to shut down the train line and everyone’s late to work for no reason. You add up all the delays, time, and money wasted on investigating suspicious bags and boxes over the years and that probably adds up to the damage of an actual bomb going off. How silly is that!

This saying is also insensitive to mute people unable to speak.

Ask McFartnuggets: “In Roger Rabbit Why Do The Weasels Die When They Laugh?’

Dear McFartnuggets: 
In the movie “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?” why do the weasels die when they laugh too hard? No one else fears dying of laughter except for them. Why are they the only ones who die when they laugh? -- Elyse from Portland, Oregon

Dear Elyse:
Well when Eddie Valiant is making the weasels laugh, Roger says “You’re killin’ em! You’re slayin’ em! You’re knockin’ em dead!” The joke there is that those are show business terms that are actually literally happening. Now why only the weasels die when they laugh too hard isn’t explicitly explained. I’m not sure if that was a toon thing. The other toons never really laugh hysterically from what I can recall. The odd thing is Roger Rabbit laughs pretty heartily at certain points and he’s never about to die from it. Perhaps he’s the only toon immune or the weasels had a severe allergy to laughing.

I think maybe the weasels were supposed to be hyenas, but they had to cast differently at the last second.

Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

Dumbass Sayings: “All Dogs Go To Heaven”

A lot of people believe the old saying “All dogs go to Heaven.” This is the idea that when dogs die their soul transports to a happy afterlife where they run around and play for all eternity. Now even if we were to assume that dogs have souls (which many people dispute and science has not prove that even humans have souls) why would ALL dogs go to Heaven? Even the ones who chase children and bite them to death? Even those tiny ones that bark really loud for no reason and scare an old lady into cardiac arrest? You could say that because the dog doesn’t have any concept of morality it shouldn’t be blamed for killing someone because it’s just acting out of instinct, but from what I’ve been told, a big part of going to Heaven is understanding morality and choosing to do the right thing. So if you’re not in a position to choose and decide the moral course of action in a serious situation like that, what gives you the right to go to Heaven? Heaven is supposed to be a reward for good behavior on Earth. Dogs have no concept of that so for them to be included in it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Maybe if a human is going to Heaven they can request that their dog’s soul be transported over as long as it was a good dog, but aside from that I can’t see dogs getting an automatic pass into Heaven, let alone ALL DOGS.

We all know dog heaven would be made of bacon and of course that's not kosher.


Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Are There Gender Double Standards About Underwear?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
Women always complain about how men have it better than women, but there are so many sexist double standards that men have to deal with. Why is it when women wear men’s underpants it’s seen as fun and playful, but when my next door neighbor sees me wearing women’s panties she screams at the top of her lungs? Is it because she recognizes they’re hers? -- Dave from Lexington, Kentucky

Dear Dave:
The fact that they’re hers probably doesn’t help… You’re right there is a bit of a double standard there, but it’s somewhat justified. Usually men’s underpants are looser like boxers and women’s underpants are tighter and smaller. So when a man puts on women’s underpants it’s just all kinds of wrong. It’s like stuffing raw chicken in a sandwich bag. No one’s going to want to see that, not even your terrified next door neighbor.

These special underpants draw the urine out into the exterior plastic for easy viewing.

Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

Dumbass Sayings: “Works Like A Charm”

Sometimes you’ll hear your neighbor talking about their new rectal cream they say “It works like a charm!” Let’s think about that saying for a second. You’re saying this thing “works like a charm” charm meaning a magical charm, I assume. So it works like a magical charm, so not at all? I got a newsflash for you people, magic charms don’t work. Magic isn’t real, that’s why magicians had to call themselves illusionists. Magic charms are complete bullshit and they nearly never work even by coincidence. When you say “works like a charm” you’re literally saying the opposite of what you mean and that’s just damn stupid. Instead you should say “works like an Apple sweatshop employee” or something that actually works, then that might make a little bit of sense.

This charm will work pretty well, if your goal is to get tetanus.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Does The News Always Say Planes Are “Missing?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
How come when a plane crashes they always say it’s “missing”? Are they really afraid of saying a plane crashed and then it ends up being found across the country landed in some place it wasn’t supposed to be with everyone on board perfectly fine? That would be a good problem to have honestly. Has that situation literally ever happened? Everyone knows that the planes that go “missing” have crashed. Why don’t they just cut the shit and stop teasing the victims’ families with hope like that”? I’ve heard from parents of missing children that eventually they don’t care if they find out their child is dead, they just want closure to know what happened. The hope that they’re alive almost turns out to be torture. And it’s 2014. How the hell do airliners not have a way to know for sure when one of their giant planes full of people crashes? -- Natasha from Louisville, Missouri

Dear Natasha:
Well the beauty of saying “missing” is that it means the plane could be in another dimension. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather hold onto the belief that my loved one had magically been transported into a paradisical dimension where they’re living happily for all eternity. Since the airliners literally don’t know where the plane is then it IS missing so the news sources are just being honest. As for why they don’t have a way to determine where a big ass plane is, they don’t really need one. If the plane never arrives at its destination and they lose contact with it then that’s all the proof people need that it crashed. In most case the families know the plane crashed, the news just wants to play it safe so they don’t look like assholes just in case the plane is stranded on an island somewhere. People have always been big into saying planes went missing. Amelia Earhart’s plane went “missing.” People used to really wonder what happened, but as time goes on the semantics really don’t matter.

The only real negative about hope is the millions of dollars people spend trying to find nothing.

Write your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com


The Top 5 Best Holidays To Masturbate On

Some people hold the ignorant belief that it’s always bad to pleasure yourself intimately on national holidays. That’s not necessarily true. Believe it or not there are certain holidays where getting romantic with yourself is totally acceptable if not beneficial to one’s self in more ways than one. Here are the top 5 best holidays to masturbate on:

5. Columbus Day
Christopher Columbus was all about exploring and finding the New World. So when you explore your own body and treat it like the New World then you’ll be fulfilling the same destiny as Columbus. You may also discover your body is not as flat as you thought it was.

Christopher Columbus was one of the pioneers of gang signs.

4. Veterans Day
It may seem disrespectful to mastubate on Veteran’s Day, but the veterans fought to protect our freedom and part of that freedom is to masturbate on whatever day you want. That’s what America stands for. Well, not the masturbating part specifically, but the freedom part.

Some people think having a mustache like that is weird too, but this is America damnit.

3. Christmas Eve
Everyone knows the hardest part of Christmas Eve is falling asleep because you’re so excited about Santa’s arrival and opening presents the next morning. Well if you pleasure yourself then you’ll probably get pretty tired and it’ll be easier to fall asleep naturally despite your anticipatory excitement.

Just don't do it at midnight mass.

2. New Year’s Eve
It might seem a little sad to be at home masturbating on New Year’s Eve, but it’s kind of fun especially if you try to reach orgasm exactly at the new year. Having all those people counting down to your climax is really an amazing experience. I would recommend doing this at home rather than a bar or Times Square just for legal reasons.

Start the new year off with a "bang."

And the number one best holiday to masturbate on is…

1. Independence Day
Of course Independence Day is number one on the list. It’s all about being independent and what’s more independent than the act of self-pleasure? Pretty much nothing. Masturbating on Independence day is the ultimate symbolic act and the perfect way to get those pesky guests to leave after your 4th of July BBQ.

Fireworks are a lot like orgasms. They're brilliant for a few seconds then you fall into a crushing depression when it's over.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Is The Whitney Houston Story Basically The Plot of Scarface?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
Lifetime channel made a movie about Whitney Houston’s life and it’s basically just like the movie “Scarface” just for women. Whitney Houston grew up in a middle class family in Newark, New Jersey and then quickly rose to greatness. She was addicted to cocaine just like Tony Montana in Scarface and they both died face down in a body water. Whitney Houston died in a bathtub and Scarface died in the fountain in his mansion after being shot in the spine by that tanned guy with sunglasses. Why doesn’t anyone else see these similarities? -- Dee Dee from Cambridge, Massachusetts

Dear Dee Dee:
Those are some similarities, but there are far more differences. Whitney Houston was never a political prisoner from Cuba. Also her death was ruled accidental, unlike Tony Montana’s. Ironically it would have helped Tony Montana if he had a few more “Bodyguards.” The only other similarity I can see is that they are both remembered as heroes to their fans. That being said, yeah I guess you could say Whitney Houston was the female Scarface, just a little less murder.

"Say hello to my little friends..."

Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

Dumbass Sayings: “Blood is Thicker Than Water”

Sometimes when a family member’s funeral is scheduled for the same day you’re going to a hockey game and you don’t know which one to go to your cousin says “Blood is thicker than water.” Okay so blood is thicker than water. Blood represents family so what is that supposed to mean? Your family is more important than hydration? Since when does thickness equate to being more important? And even if we were to accept that, your family is not more important than WATER. Water is the key to all life on this planet. I know your family is cool and all, but if they disappeared from this Earth everyone else would be perfectly okay. Take all the water off Earth and see what happens...

You know what else is thicker than water? Gravy. Gravy is also thicker than blood so what is THAT supposed to mean? Does that mean meat grease sauce is more important than your family? The fact of the matter is water is a fairly thin substance. The list of things that are thicker than water is far longer than the list of things that are thinner than it. On top of that, blood isn’t much thicker than water. Pudding is a lot thicker than blood and water and Bill Cosby proved that doesn’t mean a damn thing.

Sewage is thicker than blood.


Ask McFartnuggets: “How Are You Supposed to Pronounce Biopic?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
How are you supposed to pronounce the word “biopic”? I hear people say bye-oh-pic and by-ah-pic and both seem to think they’re right. Which is the proper pronunciation? -- Shelly from Rhode Island

Dear Shelly:
Considering that the word “biopic” is a portmanteau of the words “biography” and “picture” meaning a biographical motion picture film, the proper pronunciation is “bye-oh-pick.” It’s strange that some people would pronounce it in a way that rhymes with “myopic.” You have to question the logic of these people. Do they even know what the word means? If they did the correct pronunciation would be rather obvious.

I think the confusion arises because there really should be a space between the words bio and pic. You’re already shortening biography to bio and motion picture to pic! How tightly do we really need to condense these words? If you press them together too tightly that’s when people get hurt and start mispronouncing shit. Anyway, I hope that clears things up.

Biopics are becoming more and more common as Hollywood continues to run out of ideas.

Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

Dumbass Sayings: “You Can Look But You Can’t Touch”

When you’re at one of those high class strip clubs or even at work, a stripper or co-worker will say “You can look, but you can’t touch!” They’re disgusted by the thought of you touching them and even looking at them, but it’s not technically illegal to look at someone so they came up with this little saying. The problem with this saying is it’s a lie. A woman will say this to you and and then they’ll turn around file a court restraining order on you for staring at her through her bedroom window. Umm, excuse me, madam, but I believe you gave me verbal permission to look at you. The last time I checked, staring through a window doesn’t count as touching, which I understand is against the rules of our little game here. I’m well within the boundaries that you set by saying “you can look but you can’t touch” and yet I’m the one being questioned by the police? What kind of bullcrap is that?

Oh come on! That's not fair...


Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Doesn’t Santa Bring Presents To Poor Children?”

Dear McFartnuggets:  
Hello Binkie McFartnuggets my name is Aiden and I am 8 years. My friend Rodney didn’t get a present on Christmas today and I asked him why and he said because I am poor. Why doesn’t he get gifts because he’s poor? Why did Santa forget him? I thought Santa gives presents to all kids on Christmas as long as they love Jesus and are not naughty. I don’t think Rodney has been a naughty kid, he helped me run from a dog that was going to bite me on summer vacation. Why did Santa do this? Did he forget? Merry Christmas! -- Aiden from Florida

Dear Aiden:
Ummmmmmm… Well see the thing about Santa is… Sometimes Santa gives special gifts to people. You see, Christmas isn’t really about gifts, it’s about the Christmas spirit and sharing happiness with your friends and family. So when Santa sees people who are
“poor” he assumes that their desires are beyond worldly possessions. He realizes that they are spiritually rich and acknowledges that by not spoiling their time with pointless gizmos and trinkets. If you have true happiness deep down inside there’s no need for any physical presents. Santa understands this more than anyone. That is why Santa never gets any presents and he’s jolly and happy all the time anyway. Merry Christmas, Aiden.

Who needs presents when you have the power of brotherhood?

Write your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

Dumbass Sayings: “Happy Holidays”

The whole point behind saying “Happy holidays” is to avoid saying “Merry Christmas” and alienating everyone who doesn’t celebrate Christmas. Well, not everyone celebrates a wintertime religious holiday. So even saying “Happy holidays” is alienating to someone who chooses to observe no holiday at all. If you want to be 100% politically correct just say “Happy December.” Then we could all be happy together about it being December rather than getting too specific about particular denominational festivals. That’s kind of what “Season’s greetings” is, but no one actually says that out loud, it sounds too weird. The thing is of it is, that warm feeling we get from the December holidays could continue all year long if we actually wanted it to. The reason everyone is nice around the holidays is because they’re getting gifts and time off work. If only people could pretend like that was happening every month we could have holiday cheer year round. Then we could wish people “Happy February” and still feel that Christmas-y, Hanukkah-y, Kwanzaa-y, Festivus-y feeling all the time. People could feed random homeless people turkey and stuffing in March. You’d see random acts of kindness in May without any religious overtones. People could be in a good mood and you wouldn’t have to wonder why. Unfortunately because we don’t get those December holiday gifts and time off work it’s a little harder to not be an asshole the other eleven months of the year and just a few people staying cheerful doesn’t amount to that fully encompassing feeling of holiday spirit. If we want to ever achieve that year round joy, the first step is to stop making a big deal about holidays and that means cutting out the “Happy holidays.”

"Hmm, what do I say to her? Merry Christmas? Merry Hanukkah? Happy Kwanzaa? Is she Amish? What the hell is this freak?!"

Ask McFartnuggets: “What The Hell Does Auld Lang Syne Mean And Why Do People Sing It?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
Why do people sing Auld Lang Syne at New Years? What does that even MEAN? Why do people sing things when they don’t even know what they mean? It’s such a weird sounding phrase. It feels weird to sing especially when I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. They got that part that says “Should old acquaintance be forgot.” What the hell is that supposed to mean? Am I supposed to forget everyone I met the past year? I don’t even understand what any of this is supposed to mean. -- Tynisha from Queens, New York

Dear Tynisha:
It all comes out as drunken gibberish anyway. It’s a Scottish song so that explains part of it. “Auld lang syne” literally translated means “old long since.” I doubt anyone knows that or understands the words, but that’s inconsequential. When you’re drunk as hell staring at a giant lit up ball slowly descending wearing sunglasses that say 2015 and about to make out with a complete stranger who may or may not even be a random crackhead on the street, logic and reason are not necessarily foremost on your mind. And as far as the “Should old acquaintance be forgot?” part, that’s actually meant to be a rhetorical question within the song meaning no we shouldn’t forget old acquaintances. Again, this is very poorly stated within the actual lyrics and it’s a ridiculously old song. Would I pick a song in modern English that people actually understood and knew the words to? Sure, but it’s just a fun tune that’s easy to play and people like doing the same shit every year so it becomes a tradition. I can’t really explain it any better than that.

New Year's Eve, the one day we're all Scottish.

Write your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com


The Top 5 Alternatives to Leaving Out Milk and Cookies For Santa

Imagine if Santa is lactose
Leaving out milk and cookies for Santa Claus on Christmas Eve is as mandatory as hanging up stockings by the fireplace and getting shitfaced on eggnog, but have you ever wondered if there’s an alternative? Who says you have to leave out milk and cookies specifically? Did Santa ever request that explicitly? It’s not a concrete rule here so why not get a little creative and spice things up a little! Here are the top 5 alternative things to leave out for Santa on Christmas Eve:

5. A thank you card
How about instead of milk and cookies just a nice thank you card? Kids are always sending out letters to Santa telling him how good they’ve been and what they want for Christmas, but how many stop to thank Santa for what he does? Christmas is such a self-centered holiday. Everyone wants things from Santa and they think some cookies and milk and being a good person is enough to warrant expensive electronics? Leaving out a heartfelt thank you card to Santa for all he does would certainly put a smile on that jolly bastard’s face. He spends all this time making us smile, why not return the favor once in awhile?

I know Santa doesn't have much time to feel emotions, but I'm sure he'd take an extra second or two.

4. A gift for Mrs. Claus
I just got done talking about how no one thanks Santa, but how about Mrs. Claus? She’s the one behind the scenes keeping her husband jolly all year around when he’s away from his job. If it wasn’t for him he’d just be some sad old fat man with his army of dwarf slaves living alone. Why not leave a necklace or some kind of small gift for Mrs. Claus that Santa can bring back and either say it’s from him or say it’s from the people he’s giving presents to. Maybe she’s been questioning why he does all this for so many ungrateful people and that gift would make her think twice about convincing Ol’ Saint Nick to retire.

It doesn't have to be fancy, just a random handful of crystals and gemstones would be nice.

3. Money
Hopefully the gifts that Santa brings you aren’t cheap, however they are free to you. Perhaps people should exercise a “Pay what you want” system on Christmas Eve. You obviously don’t need to pay full price, but throw a twenty on the table for Santa for godsake. Even though he has no use for money, surely he can use it to tip his elves. Lord knows they don’t get paid jack shit. If we all pitched in even just a dollar per home those sweatshop elves could feel like their work is worth something.

Santa doesn't ask for gratuity, but that's because he's too proud. 

2. A steak
When you think about all the milk and cookies Santa eats you have to figure he gets bored of them around 20 to 30 houses in. Halfway through the night eating those cookies and drinking that milk has to become almost torturous. Think about it. I know he’s obese, but Jesus… Having to eat millions of cookies and gallons of milk while trying to work quickly and silently? That’s so crazy the CIA wouldn’t even adopt that into their interrogation practices. Fry up a damn sirloin for Santa and give him a decent meal for once.

It doesn't have to be Filet Mignon, but at least offer a real meal.

And the number one alternative to leaving out milk and cookies for Santa is..

1. Metamucil
The other major issue that arises when eating so much milk and cookies has to be constipation. I know no one wants to face this, but it’s simply a gastrointestinal inevitability. After millions of gallons of milk and all the chocolate in those chocolate chip cookies, Santa’s intestines must be absolutely packed to capacity with coal-like feces. Is that what we want for our Christmas hero? Let’s help him out and leave some Metamucil or other fiber supplement to help him push those rocks out at the end of the night so maybe he can have a holly jolly Christmas.

Yeah I'll bet you thought that was coal in your stockings this whole time...

I can't even imagine the post-Christmas enema the elves have to administer Santa. It must make him regret everything.