Ask McFartnuggets: “Is The 5-Second Rule Still in Effect if I Dropped Food in Dog Shit?”

One gram of dog feces contains
over 20,000,000 E. coli cells
Dear McFartnuggets: 
Everyone knows that when you drop food on the ground and pick it up within five seconds it’s safe to eat, but what if I dropped the food outside in a pile of dog poop? A regular floor or ground might have poop particles on it and the five second rule works then, so shouldn’t the same be in effect if I pick the food up quick and wipe the shit off? If I eat it before five seconds shouldn’t that give my body’s immune system enough time to attack the bacteria before it activates and gets too strong? -- J.D. from Santa Fe, New Mexico

Dear J.D.:
No, unfortunately once you get any type of feces on your food it’s instantly contaminated. Poo germs become “activated” the millisecond they touch your food and even if you scrub it off there will still be invisible bacterium. The five-second rule is pretty much a myth. The fact is, most of the time when you drop food on the ground you can still eat it without getting sick, but when you drop it directly into a steaming pile of dog shit it doesn’t matter how fast you pick the food up. When that happens the negative five second rule is in effect where the only way you can eat that food is if you time warp five seconds into the past and stop yourself from dropping it. Since time warping hasn’t been perfected yet, there is no current rule for eating food dropped into dog shit and you should just throw it out.

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