The Top 5 Things You Should Never Do With Dollar Bills

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hidden imagery is still okay.
Dollar bills are what provide the major motivation for most people in the world. No matter what anyone is doing at any given time it’s usually related to money. Because of that, money is seen as sacred and there are certain things you should never do with it. Here are the top 5 things you should never do with dollar bills:

5. Use them as rolling papers
Sometimes you see really rich people lighting a hundred dollar bill on fire and using the bill like a match to light a cigar. That seems crazy, but what’s even more crazy is actually wrapping tobacco or crushed oxycodone in dollar bills to smoke. You pretty much never see anyone do that, that’s how bad it is to do. Modern dollar bills are comprised of up to 20% synthetic fibers which are generally unsafe to inhale.

Smoking something rolled with a dollar bill is like smoking a cigarette a million people touched.

4. Use them as tampons or maxi pads
You might think that because you’re super rich you can use dollar bills as tampons. That’s really not a good idea since dollar bills don’t soak up liquid that well. Plus, there’s a good chance you’ll get Toxic Shock Syndrome or some sort of odd vaginal illness.

Money and vaginas should never actually meet. The combined power of both would be severely destructive.

3. Use them as toilet paper
You might think that if you can put a dollar bill in a stripper’s butthole it’s safe to be put into the human ass. However, it’s that very act of putting it in the stripper’s butt that is the reason you should never put it near your own ass. You don’t know where a dollar bill has been. Even if it has the “Where’s George?” code on it, there’s no telling what people were doing with it. Fecal bacteria can live on money for several days and it’s never safe to put someone else’s crap in your ass. The science isn’t 100% in on the fecal-anal route since it’s pretty rare, but judging by how many diseases can be transmitted through the fecal-oral route I’d say it’s not worth the risk.

The All Seeing Eye should never touch your brown eye.

2. Use them as facial tissues.
Flu viruses can live for up to 17 days on a dollar bill so it’s best not to rub those anywhere on your body especially near your eyes or nose. The nose is one of the major places you can catch a cold so wiping your nostrils with twenty isn’t a good idea. The cocaine residue on the money won’t be enough to get you high either.

The color green is often associated with sickness for a reason.

And the number one thing you should never do with dollar bills is...

1. Give them to strippers outside of a strip club
Giving a dollar to a stripper you see outside of a club is a really bad idea. First of all, a lot of times it’s not even an actual stripper, it’s just a woman who chose to dress sluttily. That can be very offensive to the woman and if her husband is there you could be in for a fight. Secondly, even if it is a stripper, you never want to be seen handing money to a whorish woman in public. If there are any cops around they can assume you’re engaged in a prostitution transaction and arrest you on the spot. You can tell them you were just giving them a dollar because they’re a stripper, but if that worked as an excuse then people who were really buying hookers would use that excuse every time. Clearly no cops will take that for an answer.

Turn all your ones into origami elephants and I guarantee that's one trick your stripper won't forget.

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