Ask McFartnuggets: “Do I Need to Use a Condom if I’m Super Drunk?”

Now that's what I call
birth control!
Dear McFartnuggets: 
Hey I was wondering, do I really need to wear a condom during sex if I’m super drunk? I mean if my balls are completely full of alcohol won’t that kill the sperms? Wouldn’t it at least make them all stupid and spinning around in circles? And especially if my girlfriend is drunk too because then her egg is all shitfaced and drooping in on itself. Getting her pregnant in that situation is like one drunk hobo in a giant crowd trying to break into a collapsing building. I don’t really think that has good odds at happening. -- Noah from San Francisco, California

Dear Noah:
Yes you still need to use a condom even if you’re “super drunk.” How the hell do you think I was born? There has been some evidence to suggest that it’s harder to get a woman pregnant if you’re drunk, but getting poopfaced is not even close to being a viable birth control method. And while you can’t conceive a baby with fetal alcohol syndrome just from being drunk, there are certain developmental issues that could arise such as low birth weight or premature birth. You definitely need to wear a condom when you’re drunk because when you’re drunk it’s way too hard to pull out. When you’re totally wasted you simply won’t have the discipline and focus to make that wise and timely decision. You’ve been warned.

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