The Top 5 Alternatives to Leaving Out Milk and Cookies For Santa

Imagine if Santa is lactose
Leaving out milk and cookies for Santa Claus on Christmas Eve is as mandatory as hanging up stockings by the fireplace and getting shitfaced on eggnog, but have you ever wondered if there’s an alternative? Who says you have to leave out milk and cookies specifically? Did Santa ever request that explicitly? It’s not a concrete rule here so why not get a little creative and spice things up a little! Here are the top 5 alternative things to leave out for Santa on Christmas Eve:

5. A thank you card
How about instead of milk and cookies just a nice thank you card? Kids are always sending out letters to Santa telling him how good they’ve been and what they want for Christmas, but how many stop to thank Santa for what he does? Christmas is such a self-centered holiday. Everyone wants things from Santa and they think some cookies and milk and being a good person is enough to warrant expensive electronics? Leaving out a heartfelt thank you card to Santa for all he does would certainly put a smile on that jolly bastard’s face. He spends all this time making us smile, why not return the favor once in awhile?

I know Santa doesn't have much time to feel emotions, but I'm sure he'd take an extra second or two.

4. A gift for Mrs. Claus
I just got done talking about how no one thanks Santa, but how about Mrs. Claus? She’s the one behind the scenes keeping her husband jolly all year around when he’s away from his job. If it wasn’t for him he’d just be some sad old fat man with his army of dwarf slaves living alone. Why not leave a necklace or some kind of small gift for Mrs. Claus that Santa can bring back and either say it’s from him or say it’s from the people he’s giving presents to. Maybe she’s been questioning why he does all this for so many ungrateful people and that gift would make her think twice about convincing Ol’ Saint Nick to retire.

It doesn't have to be fancy, just a random handful of crystals and gemstones would be nice.

3. Money
Hopefully the gifts that Santa brings you aren’t cheap, however they are free to you. Perhaps people should exercise a “Pay what you want” system on Christmas Eve. You obviously don’t need to pay full price, but throw a twenty on the table for Santa for godsake. Even though he has no use for money, surely he can use it to tip his elves. Lord knows they don’t get paid jack shit. If we all pitched in even just a dollar per home those sweatshop elves could feel like their work is worth something.

Santa doesn't ask for gratuity, but that's because he's too proud. 

2. A steak
When you think about all the milk and cookies Santa eats you have to figure he gets bored of them around 20 to 30 houses in. Halfway through the night eating those cookies and drinking that milk has to become almost torturous. Think about it. I know he’s obese, but Jesus… Having to eat millions of cookies and gallons of milk while trying to work quickly and silently? That’s so crazy the CIA wouldn’t even adopt that into their interrogation practices. Fry up a damn sirloin for Santa and give him a decent meal for once.

It doesn't have to be Filet Mignon, but at least offer a real meal.

And the number one alternative to leaving out milk and cookies for Santa is..

1. Metamucil
The other major issue that arises when eating so much milk and cookies has to be constipation. I know no one wants to face this, but it’s simply a gastrointestinal inevitability. After millions of gallons of milk and all the chocolate in those chocolate chip cookies, Santa’s intestines must be absolutely packed to capacity with coal-like feces. Is that what we want for our Christmas hero? Let’s help him out and leave some Metamucil or other fiber supplement to help him push those rocks out at the end of the night so maybe he can have a holly jolly Christmas.

Yeah I'll bet you thought that was coal in your stockings this whole time...

I can't even imagine the post-Christmas enema the elves have to administer Santa. It must make him regret everything.

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