Ask McFartnuggets: “Is My Cutting Board Really Dirtier Than My Toilet Seat?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
I keep hearing this fact that the average kitchen cutting board has up to 200 times more fecal bacteria than an average toilet seat. I don’t really understand how this is possible, but if it is, does that mean I should be preparing my meals using my toilet seat as a cutting board instead? Wouldn’t that be the cleaner thing to do? Also, how the hell does fecal bacteria end up on a cutting board if you’re not shitting onto your kitchen counter or something like that? -- Patricia from Islip, New York

Dear Patricia:
Yes I have heard that tidbit as well and to answer your question, no you shouldn’t switch to preparing your meals on your toilet seat. For one, it’ll be very difficult to keep food from falling into the toilet bowl. Also, the way “fecal bacteria” gets onto a kitchen cutting board is from raw meat so if you start cutting raw meat on your toilet seat that’s going to cover it in fecal bacteria PLUS all the normal fecal bacteria you get on there when you explosively shart. The whole reason toilet seats aren’t as dirty as you think is because your ass is fully pressed against it so there’s really no way for feces to ever get on it unless you’re in a situation where you’re about to crap your pants and just barely make it to the toilet and start spraying shit with your ass at a distance from the bowl. Since that’s hopefully a rare occurrence most people’s toilet seats are technically cleaner than their cutting boards. If you start cutting meat on your toilet seat you’ll end up sitting in raw meat germs which could lead to ass infections and/or other illnesses such as anal e.coli.

If you do prepare your meals on a toilet seat, make sure to never tell your dinner guests.

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