Dumbass Movie Names

"Scott Pilgrim Versus The World" is a new movie that features a kid fighting for a girl named "Ramona". There's also a new movie coming out called "Ramona and Beezus" about no one gives a shit.

Since when is every other person on Earth named Ramona? Last I checked, that was not a common name and yet now it's just coincidentally featured in two current asscrap movies. It hasn't been surprising to me that movie studios are running out of ideas, but running out of names? That's truly sickening.

Ramona isn't even a good name. It's the female version of "Ramon" which is a South American cocaine dealer. It's basically the Spanish equivalent of Roberta in English. Who in the hell would ever name their daughter Roberta?

Stealing ideas for movies from graphic novels and regular novels is only excusable until the day comes when those adaptations end up being the same exact thing as every other movie. At what point will every movie that comes out be the same exact movie as everything else out at the time? This is a very bad sign for humanity. It all starts out now with the name "Ramona" but soon enough it'll bleed into plots and visuals and we will beg for extinction.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Retired NFL'er's Unfortunate Phrasing Tarnishes Hall of Fame Selection

Retired NFL tight end Mark Chmura was inducted into the special Green Bay Packers Hall of Fame on Saturday despite a career that was tarnished by a sexual assault allegation. Chmura called this the "icing on the cake" of his football life.

No one involved in a sexual assault case should be using the terms "icing" or "cake" to describe anything much less in a public forum especially considering the alleged sexual act with a 17-year-old occurred at a party.

Chmura was cleared of all the charges, but he needs to stop using suggestive phrases that lead the Packers Hall of Fame committee to question their decision. All in all, things could have been worse. He could have said "pie." That would be worse because that doesn't make any sense. No one puts icing on pie nearly enough in America. Surely because it would be too rich for the average tongue, but also because it's incredibly inappropriate. If the gluttons of the pie world know this, why doesn't a retired NFL player? Oh right, the concussions... Well, that ended on a bitter note, time for some icing covered pie!

-Binkie McFartnuggets

The World's Largest Oil Spill of All-Time?

The news keeps saying this BP disaster is the largest oil spill in American history and that made me think what could be bigger? There's actually only one other aquatic spill that was bigger (for now) and they haven't the courtesy to even mention it! It's not as if there are too many to mention for Christopher Walken's sake. Anyway, for those interested who don't already know, this is what the BP spill is about to surpass...

From the greatest source of fact known to man, Wikipedia:

The Gulf War oil spill is regarded as the largest oil spill in history, resulting from the 1990 Iraqi invasion of Kuwait, or the first Gulf War.The oil spill, which began on January 21st, 1991, Estimates on the volume spilled usually range around 11 million barrels (462 million gallons or 1.75 billion liters); the slick reached a maximum size of 101 by 42 miles (4242 square miles or 6787 km²) and was 5 inches (13 cm) thick in some areas.

That seems like a pretty big deal and the first I heard of it was when I decided to look it up. The strangest thing is I couldn't even find a single photo of this thing. I guess no one gives a shit when oil washes up on Saudi Arabia, but remember people really got into a frenzy when a fraction of what's in the Gulf of Mexico spilled in Alaska, so I think our collective outrage about this kind of thing is a little off-center.

Elderly Woman Survives Five Days in Bathroom

No one talked about this news story and I cannot see why, "It's bloody amazing!" As they would say in England, which has nothing to do with this story. But seriously, let's hunt this woman down and hound her for the details of this awesome story. The world needs more news like this. Don't let her rest until we know all the details!

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Why America Doesn't Like Soccer

In a biting loss that is sure to set U.S. soccer back farther than Landon Donovan's hairline, the Americans have given people in Ghana something to cheer about. The biggest question that came out of this World Cup classic was "Isn't Mick Jagger English?" What is he doing cheering for America when England is still in the tournament? Was James Brown rooting for Germany? Were Hall and Oates rooting for North Korea? Was Hannah Montana rooting for Cameroon?! I honestly can't say for sure, but I assume not.

When they showed footage of large groups of Americans watching the game it made me wonder why they didn't show any people in Ghana watching the game. Then I remembered that would require television sets. I'm glad Ghana won. Let them have some enjoyment here. Those fans deserve it way more than Americans do. We have too many sports to cheer for and most other nations only have soccer so it's unfair to beat them. Of course we won't though, because we don't care.

We don't care about soccer for a number of reasons, one of which is there are too many ways to delay and halt action. From faking injuries to taking a long time to get off the field for a substitution, there's just a lot of inactivity occurring at any given time on a soccer field. In American sports, it ain't over til the fat lady sings. In soccer, it ain't over til the referee arbitrarily "blows." There are many more reasons why Americans will never fully accept soccer, but those are enough as it is. To top it all off, we suck at it despite having a very diverse population of athletes. Now that the U.S. team lost we can finally get back to worrying about a hurricane forcing oily watered death storms onto the coasts of America and stop with all this silly soccer nonsense.

New Shocking Medical News: Viagra Causes Hearing Loss

A new medical study of 11,525 men has shown that men who take Viagra are more likely to experience hearing loss than those who do not. This phenomenon has been baffling the science and medical community, but I think there's a pretty simple explanation. Aside from the fact that most men who take Viagra are older and therefore going to experience some natural hearing loss eventually regardless of what kind of dick pills they're swallowing, there's a pretty obvious reason why this could be happening.

When you take Viagra you're probably going to be engaging in sexual intercourse of some type with a human (hopefully) or at the very least going to the mall to expose yourself to the people at The Sharper Image. Whatever you do, there's a good chance people will be screaming. These screams shoot out of their voice holes in the form of harmful sound waves at high decibel levels and if exposed to these "magical throat noises" too long or too often, you will experience hearing loss. So take that and put in your medical marijuana pipe and smoke it, doctors!

My Thoughts on the Zazuflootas

Of course there is no musical nature to the plastic zoozooploota horn that nearly every South African owns and brings to a World Cup soccer game, but I'm becoming a fan. It does sound a lot like a camel passing a kidney stone and when coupled with others begins to sound like you have a brain tumor, but I feel it does add a bit to the games on TV.

On TV, these zeezafluties provide a bit of ambiance and atmosphere to the games. That's important. I don't know why the people in the crowd never want to stop blowing during the games, but if they never stop that means they're enjoying it and I'm never one to stop someone from blowing if they're enjoying it.

The vookindoozies have been facing a lot of stern criticism lately especially from people who attend the World Cup games. If it were me sitting next to a bunch of people blowing on teegovilchins I would probably be upset, but then again that serves me right for going to a soccer game.

Let us be clear, these zingaflappos belong in South Africa or at soccer games only. The New York Yankees had to recently ban fans from using voozieplankos during games and I agree with that. Baseball is hard enough to pay attention to without someone playing the death rattle of a humpback whale in your ear.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

The Oily Bird Photos

I don't like photographers taking video of the Gulf pelican birds covered in oil. Yeah the birds need help and people need to know about this, now if its so jizzin' sad put down the camera and wash those bitches off! Don't you have a tissue handy from when ya had to clean your pants when realizing what a great photo-op you just stumbled onto?

I think we get the idea after a few seconds of footage maybe even just a single photograph, but they're filming several minutes when they could be helping in any way possible. One video I saw featured a full minute of an oily bird getting tossed around by waves. I know you probably shouldn't just run up and rub a bird with a rag, but I'm sure if you hold it down it will thank you later.

Video is just unnecessary here. Anyone who wants to feel sad about this will feel sad after seeing a photo, it's people who don't give a crap who will say its photoshopped and might need a longer video clip to believe it, but they're not going to help anyway so who gives a hell what they think? The bird must be thinking, "What is this a f*cking c**k *ss feathery photoshoot? My flesh is burning over here!!!"

-Binkie McFartnuggets

The King of Creepy Doll Commercials

If you're reading this right now, you have just won a certificate that will entitle you to five free moments of the rest of the world's pity. What are you even doing here? How did you find this?! You aren't supposed to be here! Leave! Go! Don't look back at me! Just go! What is the matter with you?!

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Mummies get health insurance?!

The news is always hiding stories that might spark outrage against the system, but this one slipped through the cracks. The Lady Hor mummy was discovered to be a man! Does that shock you? Well maybe the fact that this discovery came by way of CT scan should! Yeah, that's right. Mummies get medical testing that is not afforded to some living humans in America, sad isn't it? We need to have our voices heard and let these mummies know that we're more important than them and they have all eternity to have scans and probes done, we only have our lifetimes!

-Binkie McFartnuggets

What's the worst GEICO commercial ever?

There are so many to choose from, but my personal favorite to hate is the one with the old man and the dollar. It's not the most annoying, those would be the money with the googly eyes, but a plot hole ruins it tremendously. What's your pick for worst GEICO commercial? By the way, saving up to 15% isn't that great of a deal, it just means the MOST you can save is 15%! Wake up people!

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Is the world ready for Black Barbies?

I don't think it's a big deal, but a lot of folks are really angry about this. It's funny how people can be outwardly upset about Black Barbies, but when it comes to disliking a Black President, everyone is very quick to say they're not racist.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Who was the first man to attempt rocket travel?

The year is 1937. The man is unidentified and drunk. The wind is perfect for a groundbreaking, pioneering idea: launching yourself into space with rockets strapped to your back. I suppose the fact that no one knows who this guy is should give you a clue as to the outcome, but had he succeeded, most probably wouldn't know about him anyway because gaining the knowledge would require reading something written in the 1930's and no one has patience for that.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Folgers coffee degrading women's rights?

When you look back at how opposed Folgers was to women's rights in the 60's it really is astounding that they've made it this far. Of course I'm referring to both Folgers and women. Sure there are still some problems, but what is life without problems? I'll tell you what! No life at all. That's what!

-Binkie McFartnuggets