Why America Doesn't Like Soccer

In a biting loss that is sure to set U.S. soccer back farther than Landon Donovan's hairline, the Americans have given people in Ghana something to cheer about. The biggest question that came out of this World Cup classic was "Isn't Mick Jagger English?" What is he doing cheering for America when England is still in the tournament? Was James Brown rooting for Germany? Were Hall and Oates rooting for North Korea? Was Hannah Montana rooting for Cameroon?! I honestly can't say for sure, but I assume not.

When they showed footage of large groups of Americans watching the game it made me wonder why they didn't show any people in Ghana watching the game. Then I remembered that would require television sets. I'm glad Ghana won. Let them have some enjoyment here. Those fans deserve it way more than Americans do. We have too many sports to cheer for and most other nations only have soccer so it's unfair to beat them. Of course we won't though, because we don't care.

We don't care about soccer for a number of reasons, one of which is there are too many ways to delay and halt action. From faking injuries to taking a long time to get off the field for a substitution, there's just a lot of inactivity occurring at any given time on a soccer field. In American sports, it ain't over til the fat lady sings. In soccer, it ain't over til the referee arbitrarily "blows." There are many more reasons why Americans will never fully accept soccer, but those are enough as it is. To top it all off, we suck at it despite having a very diverse population of athletes. Now that the U.S. team lost we can finally get back to worrying about a hurricane forcing oily watered death storms onto the coasts of America and stop with all this silly soccer nonsense.


  1. Inactivity isn't exactly only in soccer... in Europe we think US sports have a load of inactivity!

    Soccer on TV is 2x45mn uninterrupted. Gridiron have ad breaks between every down almost !

  2. Specious twaddle, Binkie; you're a naughty man