Ask McFartnuggets: "I Slipped In A Pregnant Woman's Broken Water, Can I Sue Her?"

They're supposed to put up a sign
when a woman's water breaks.
Dear McFartnuggets: I was walking through Best Buy when I slipped and hit the back of my head on the tile floor. When I came to I learned that I had slipped in the amniotic fluid of a pregnant woman who had been there shopping for speakers. According to the employees, they didn't know it happened. Supposedly she just crapped her water out and walked out without telling anyone. Is it possible for me to sue this woman for what she did to me? -- Oscar from Little Rock, Arkansas

Dear Oscar:
While it's understandable to want to blame the pregnant woman for leaving her water there without telling anyone, it's really the Best Buy's fault. You'd have to test the DNA from the fluid and hope the bitch has a criminal record. She was probably just in a hurry because she was in labor. It'd be nice if pregnant ladies would stay to mop up their own mess, but they're usually too concerned with themselves pooping a human out.

It's the store's responsibility to clean up any messes on their floors. They can't plead ignorance on that. Who knows how long that fluid was on the floor? An employee should have been walking by and seen this and handled the cleanup. Plus you'll probably feel a lot better suing a major company than some lady who just gave birth. Having a baby is expensive so the last thing they need is someone suing them for everything they've got. Thanks for the question, Oscar. I hope your head feels better!

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Dumbass Sayings: "Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder"

So when you jump bail the
judge's heart grows fonder?
There's an old saying that goes "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." If that's true then how come when I missed a week of classes in 3rd grade I wasn't met with more excitement by the teacher? Her heart didn't grow fonder or even fond! Mrs. Shinsky didn't even notice I had been out for five days straight with mononucleosis and when I got back I had no idea what was going on in the class. Apparently I missed a bunch of lessons in long division and was completely lost for the rest of my student career. I tried asking for help, but those kids just learned the stuff themselves they were in no position to teach it!

If absence makes the heart grow fonder then how come I don't love my father more? Since he's been absent since I was 4-years-old shouldn't that make my heart fonder than anything for my father? No, instead I hate that son of a bitch more than anything in the world so no absence DOESN'T make the heart grow fonder and whoever said that was a know-nothing doodoo face!

Ask McFartnuggets: "Can I Ride A Motorcycle While I'm Pregnant?"

Do they make leather jackets
for fetuses?
Dear McFartnuggets: I'm one month pregnant and my husband got a new motorcycle. I love riding, but I'm afraid it could put my baby at risk. Should I ride or not? -- Amber from Valdosta, Georgia

Dear Amber:
I don't believe there are any laws prohibiting you from riding a motorcycle while pregnant. It's really no more dangerous than driving a car. However I would recommend that before you hit the road, see if you can either buy or make some kind of turtle shell protective device that covers your belly. It would be basically like a helmet for the unborn. Then god forbid you have an accident your stomach will be completely protected. You might be dead, but it gives paramedics a much better chance to save the kid. And I guess this goes without saying, but if you're definitely going to ride, please refrain from doing any wheelies or other stunts or tricks. Congrats on the pregnancy and good luck, Amber!

Send me your questions at PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and ride safely!

The Top 5 Worst Places To Get Sunburn

Shoulda used some Banana Boat on
that shit! Too late now!
With Summer around the corner again it's important to remember the dangers of sunburns. Like drinking profusely, people usually forget the last time they had a bad sunburn so they don't take it seriously until it happens again. I've made this list to remind you of how painful sunburns can be and which areas you should be extra careful to protect when you're out on the beach. Here are the top 5 worst places on your body to get sunburned:

5. Neck
The neck is one of the most common areas for sunburn, but it's also one of the worst. What makes a sunburned neck bad is that you can hardly move your head without inadvertently stretching the burned skin.

Your chin is basically a built-in parasol specifically there to prevent sunburning your neck.

4. Vagina
I've never personally had a sunburned vagina, but my aunt had one a few summers ago and by the way she was complaining every day I assume it was nothing short of horrible.

No one likes chapped, sun damaged lips.

3. Nutsack
If you've ever had a sunburned nutsack then you know how painful it is. You can hardly walk without scraping the affected area. Every step you take makes your thighs feel like pillars of broken glass tearing your balls apart. Also sperm don't have sunglasses so it's probably harming your fertility.

Don't fry your eggs.

Eyeballs are the second worst thing to get sunburned because of the sheer pain. Then as a double whammy it hurts even more when you try to protect them with sunscreen. Once you have sunburned eyes you are most likely blind and in a tremendous amount of pain. Applying a soothing lotion or salve will only exacerbate the pain.

Don't tan your eyeballs unless you wanna be like Captain Winksalot over here.

And the number one worst place to get sunburn on your body is...

1. Taint
Let's just start off with the fact that tanning your taint in public is generally illegal. Not only will a taint sunburn usually land you in probation, but it will also burn like all hell. It's like sunburning your nutsack and vagina at the same time. Only a hermaphrodite can understand the kind of pain I'm talking about here. Every step you take, every seat you take, the pain will be there unrelenting and you can't apply the soothing creme in public whenever you want either. You are required by law to find a private area which can get pretty annoying when you're experiencing such severe raw pain. Do yourself a favor don't even bother tanning your taint, but if you must, slather that bastard in the highest SPF you can find.

The taint is perhaps the one part of the human body that should never see pure sunlight.

Ask McFartnuggets: "I Enjoy The Smell Of Other People's Farts Is That Normal?"

People don't like when you
smell their fart and go
"Mmm... Garlicky!"
Dear McFartnuggets: I really enjoy the smell of other people's farts. When someone farts around me it's like a little treat like smelling cooking bacon. Is that normal? -- Dave from Montreal

Dear Dave:
No, that's not normal. However, just because it's not normal doesn't mean it's bad. My momma used to always say you can tell who your soulmate is when they fart and it smells like roses to you. Since you experience that with everyone you encounter then that just means you're a really caring person who's friends with everybody. Personally, I'm repulsed by other people's farts and only find my own to be delicious. Coincidentally, most people consider me to be very selfish and inappropriate because I fire off my own farts around people who don't enjoy them nearly as much as I do.

Frankly, I wish more people were like you, Dave. If everyone loved the smell of everyone else's farts as much as we love our own then there'd never be a reason to hold in a fart. People could fart freely and happily whenever they wanted without fear of mockery. Instead of ruining a party, farts would make the party even better. Farts would bring people together and there'd be one less reason to hate people. Maybe there could even be world peace.

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Dumbass Saying: "Under The Weather"

For some reason when a person is sick we say they're "Under the weather". Why is that? Is it because they're under rain clouds getting wet and catching a cold? Yeah that sort of makes sense except for the fact that technically EVERYONE is under the weather at all times. When are you not "under the weather?" Unless you're in space shuttle orbiting Earth you're never "over the weather." Even in planes people are still under as well as in the weather. That's what turbulence is. If only airlines could find a way to always fly over the weather there might be fewer aviation disasters dealing with air currents and lightning strikes. Plus, none if the passengers would ever get sick! Oddly enough when the zombie apocalypse comes you're going to want to be in an underground bunker cut off from society. That's about as far under the weather as you can get and ironically you'll be the only one without the highly contagious sickness.

Sometimes being under the weather looks cool. Not when you're vomiting, but when giant green ghost farts fill the sky.

Ask McFartnuggets: "Co-worker Caught Me Changing My Adult Diaper"

There's no shame in wearing a
"Maximum Absorbency Garment"
Dear McFartnuggets: I recently started wearing an adult diaper to help mitigate my incontinence issues and it had been working great until last Tuesday. Last Tuesday I shot one off at my desk by accident and had to gingerly walk to the bathroom to change myself. It was my first time changing my diaper at work so I forgot to lock the door. Next thing I know my coworker Ed popped the door open and saw me laying on the floor pouring talcum powder on my ass. Needless to say he screamed and ran out and that's all anyone around here can talk about. It's getting really out of hand and I feel incredibly ashamed. I'm not sure what to do or how to fix this situation. What would you do if you were me? -- Todd from Bridgeport, Connecticut

Dear Todd:
That sounds awful, you have my condolences and you're in my prayers. Now to your problem. I'm not sure it really is a problem. You're an adult man who wears a diaper. So what? What is the big deal? What is to be ashamed of? You have to remember the reason you're wearing that diaper and wear it with pride. I'd much rather be caught with my legs up in the air powdering my nutsack after wiping myself with a baby cloth than suffer the ultimate indignity of accidentally shitting my pants.

Sure maybe you weren't expecting the door to open and have someone see you there cleaning yourself, but you didn't shit yourself in front of everyone either. Think of how much more embarrassing that would have been and consider yourself lucky. Think about having to walk out of that bathroom with a pair of temporary pants you made entirely out of paper towels and toilet paper. You think people are talking about you changing yourself? You'd never live a pair of toilet paper pants down. And you've gotta make those toilet paper pants because you throw your shitty pants in the garbage. You can't salvage those. Don't do that to your local dry cleaner they probably have enough crap to deal with on a daily basis. People are ignorant so they're gonna mock. Let them mock. They don't know you. They don't know your struggles. They couldn't handle what you go through on a daily basis. You're stronger than them. Never forget it! Best of luck, Todd!

Send questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and always lock that door behind you!

Dumbass Sayings: "Crazy Good"

Since when is being crazy
considered good?
As many of you know.the current slogan for Pop Tarts is "Crazy good." What a horrible slogan that is. First off, Pop tarts are good, but that's about as far as I would go in describing them. I would not add the adjective crazy to describe a toaster pastry. If you're going to label anything "crazy good" why not cocaine or bath salts? If you've ever had either of those then you know at the time you actually feel "crazy good", maybe more crazy than good when it comes to bath salts. Who legitimately eats a Pop Tart then chooses to describe it as "crazy good"? Someone who's never had food before maybe.

The other reason this is a dumb saying is because children are eating Pop Tarts, reading the box and accepting the term "Crazy good" as a real phrase. The proper version of this saying is "Crazily good". Education in America is bad enough without kids running around saying "crazy good". We need children to properly recognize adverbs and Pop Tarts are not helping.

Ask McFartnuggets: "MFK: Darth Vader, A Human Corpse, Garfield The Cat"

Adding a corpse to the mix is always a wildcard.
Dear McFartnuggets: Darth Vader, a human corpse, Garfield the cat. You gotta marry one, fuck one, and kill one. What do you do? -- Catherine from Rhode Island

Dear Catherine:
Okay let's break this down... 

Darth Vader: evil Jedi master. Probably not a great person to live with. I could kill him, but then who would save Luke Skywalker from the Emperor? And while a penile force choke situation is only incidentally gay, sex isn't really an option.

A human corpse. Illegal to marry. I wouldn't want that smelly sack of decomposing flesh laying next to me in bed, but I can't kill it either because it's already dead. And of course as we all know, necrophilia is a serious crime especially in public.

Garfield the Cat, wisecracking funny cartoon feline. Funny, but lazy. He seems like a high maintenance spouse, plus I can't cook lasagna so that wouldn't last very long. Then to top it all off it's not yet legal to marry animals in America. I don't want to kill Garfield because I think he's a cool dude. That being said I certainly don't want to fornicate with him.

So of those three if I have to marry one, fuck one, and kill one I'd probably have to marry Garfield, fuck the corpse, and kill Darth Vader.

I'd marry Garfield even though Jon would probably be pissed. Fortunately, marriages don't usually entail sex so I wouldn't be engaging in any cartoon bestiality. We'd be more like same-sex, different-species companions. Totally platonic. Occasionally we'd snuggle. That actually doesn't sound so bad.

I'd sex the corpse because you've basically forced me to here. It is not my desire to have relations with a deceased individual. I can't stress that enough, but let's say I chose to fuck Darth Vader instead. Then I'd have to marry a corpse and kill Garfield and no way I'm doing that. I'll have to take my chances with the corpse and hope it used to be a lingerie model very recently. Fortunately I don't take very long so that's a plus for once.

And yes I'd have to kill Darth Vader. I know, that's easier said than done. I'm not exactly sure how I'd kill him. Maybe I could just follow him around in the Death Star during that final battle in "Return of the Jedi" and hide in a closet. Then when he threw the Emperor down the well and took his mask off I could run up and stab him in the throat or something. The only thing is, Luke would probably be pissed and kill me leading him to the dark side. That would kinda suck, but since it was the last episode I'm sure there would be later episodes where Han Solo and Princess Leia could reign him in and convert him back to goodness so the galaxy wouldn't be doomed. Either way that'd be fun for other people to watch so that's really my only choice.  Thanks for the question, Catherine.

Send questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and I'll try answering them the best I can.

Dumbass Sayings: "Go With Your Gut"

Maybe if fewer people went with
their gut, obesity wouldn't be such
a huge problem in America.
A lot of people these days like to "Go with their gut" when making decisions. Going with your gut means making a decision based on your instincts usually with disregard to logic and facts. These decisions don't come from your gut, they usually come from your balls or you pull them out of your ass. The only time you're going with your gut is when you're deciding what to have for lunch. Selecting a meal is the only proper use of the term "Going with your gut" yet you never hear someone saying that. When was the last time you heard someone say "I think I'm gonna go with my gut on this one and have the turkey sandwich."? No one says that. Another proper usage would be "I think I'm gonna go with my gut and vomit." No one actually attributes this saying to actual stomach functions. No one uses this saying correctly.

Dumbass Sayings: "With All Due Respect"

Whenever you want to verbally berate someone in a higher position of power all you have to say is "With all due respect" beforehand. That lets the person know that you respect them for their job or social status, but not in any other way. Someone people think they can say "With all due respect, your mother is a two dollar trash bag whore." I don't get that at all. Either you respect someone or you don't. If you respect a person then you shouldn't have to say something that requires the "With all due respect" qualifier attached to the beginning. You can't say "With all due respect, I banged your wife last night and she was really good. With all due respect, you're going to be raising my child." You're being incredibly disrespectful and there's nothing you can tack on that sentence before or after that will give me in the impression that you still respect me, Carl!

"With all due respect, you're a worthless piece of crap!"

Ask McFartnuggets: "My Mom Caught Me Wearing Her Bra"

Just say you were having
back problems.
Dear McFartnuggets: While my mom was out getting groceries I decided to go into her room and try on a few things. Of course she had to come back to get her purse and opened the door to see me trying on her bra. Now she's not talking to me and it's really awkward. I'm getting set to move out with my wife soon this fall, but how would you recommend I smooth this over? -- Pete from Wichita, Kansas

Dear Pete:
That's a tricky situation there, Pete. Fortunately you said you're moving out soon so that's good. In the meantime I would suggest you try on your mother's bra again and set it up so she catches you, but then point to a hidden camera and tell her it was all a joke for a new reality show you're doing. It's not the best excuse, but it might serve to ease her mind about your mental health. Most parents would rather believe they're being pranked than that their son is wearing their lingerie all the time.when they're not home. That's just a natural parenting instinct and you've gotta take advantage of that. Thanks for the question, Pete.

Submit any of your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

The Top 5 Worst Ways To Pass Time When You're Bored

Did this make you yawn?
If not then you might be a
serial killer.
Boredom is an unfortunate yet crucial part of life. Without boredom we would never truly be able to appreciate excitement. Despite boredom's key role in our lives, it's still not very pleasurable and so we do things to make it bearable. Sometimes we do strange things. Strange things that people shouldn't do in a society. Here are the top 5 worst ways to pass time when you're bored in public:

5. Sing
There's a reason you don't see too many people breaking out into song when they're in a dentist waiting room. I'm not really sure what that exact reason is, I just know you're not supposed to do it.

The odds of everyone else in the room liking the same kind of music you do is very slim.

4. Talk to yourself
Talking to yourself is a harmless enough thing when you're alone at home, but anywhere else and you start to look crazy. Even if you're alone in a waiting room, it's not a good idea to talk to yourself because you don't want someone to walk in and see you having a full-on argument with yourself. It makes the room a pool of awkwardness they're forced to dive into.

Unless you can see ghosts, there's no reason to be talking to thin air in public.

3. Sleep
Sleeping seems like a great way to pass time when you're bored except there's really no telling what will happen during your sleep session. You could start talking to yourself, urinate, or experience nocturnal arousal, all very bad things to exhibit in front of strangers on line at the bank.

Be careful where you fall asleep. You never know when a gremlin will perch on your body.

2. Cry
Perhaps you've heard the term "Bored to tears". Oddly enough when its manifested literally it's much less socially accepted than the term used to describe it.

We all need a good cry every now and then, but on line at Starbucks is not the place for it.

And the number one worst way to pass time when you're bored is...

1. Fondle yourself
This one is worst because its borderline illegal. Also it's the absolute most awkward socially and pretty much combines every negative of the previous items on our list into one incredible wrong action. Then to top it all off it might end with you crying and sleeping which completes the madness.

Even the dog is thinking "What's this guy's problem?"

Ask McFartnuggets: "Can I Sue Someone For Kissing Me And Giving Me Herpes?"

Free Hugs are a thousand times more
popular than Free Kisses.
Dear McFartnuggets: I was walking home from a party a few months ago when a guy ran up to me and kissed me on the mouth and ran away. A few days later I noticed blisters on my mouth, had it checked out and it was oral herpes. After doing some investigating on my own I found out it was my Cousin Ed who kissed me that night. Am I able to sue him for what he did?  -- Paula from Little Rock, Arkansas

Dear Paula:
Jeez that sounds terrible. Good news is, I believe you can sue anyone for anything these days. I would guess that falls under "Negligent transmission of disease". I'm not sure what your odds at winning are. I guess it all depends on your evidence.

In addition to suing your cousin I would tell the local sheriff about him. You can't just be running around smooching people on the mouth with lip herpes. That is really messed up. You need to get that sucker sent away so he doesn't hurt anyone else.

Keep in mind of course that herpes is not a death sentence of any kind. Most people have it and don't even know it. Maybe your cousin was trying to spread the love. I guess it makes sense to give everyone herpes because then there's nothing to worry about. The only problem is those disgusting giant blisters. No offense. Anyways, good luck, Paula!

Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and don't get the herpes!

Dumbass Sayings: "If It's Yellow, Let It Mellow. If It's Brown, Flush It Down"

If you keep flushing pee
this is what the world will look like.
In an effort to conserve water, many people employ the motto "If it's yellow let it mellow. If it's brown flush it down." This essentially means only flush the toilet when you've taken a dump. The only real problem with this saying is a huge one. Urine and feces colors aren't always just yellow and brown respectively. For instance, if you were to go by this saying and peed brown you would then be forced to waste a tank of water to flush pee. Brown pee can be rather disturbing, but it's usually just a sign you're dehydrated. It's still just wee and shouldn't necessitate a full flush. Also, if you ever poop and it's yellow, that is pretty scary experience. You should collect a sample for a doctor to analyze, but once you do, FLUSH THAT. No one wants to walk into your bathroom and see a big yellow mustard shit in there.

While I do agree with not wasting water to flush pee, this saying is just not specific enough. This saying should change from "If it's yellow let it mellow. If it's brown flush it down" to simply "Only flush your turds". I know it's not as catchy and it doesn't rhyme, but it's the right message and being right is more important than being cute.


Ask McFartnuggets: "How Do I Politely Tell Someone They Smell Terrible?"

Or you could hand them a coupon
for free deodorant while pinching
your nose shut.
Dear McFartnuggets: I'm currently a college student at Seton Hall and I have a political science class where the professor has assigned seats. This guy who sits next to me smells like a thousand year old potato sack full of dead gorilla assholes. Something must be wrong with him mentally or emotionally so I don't want to be blunt and tell him he smells like a sun baked beluga whale carcass marinated in homeless hooker urine. What's the best way to politely let this guy know his stench is affecting my education? -- Lynda from New Jersey

Dear Lynda:
Jeez, that's a tough situation, Lynda. I think the most polite way would be to remark "My, you have quite the pungent aroma!" Odds are he either knows he smells bad and doesn't care or doesn't know in which case he probably smells good to himself already and is unlikely to change his hygiene habits. If either of those are the case then your only option is to take measures to mask his odor. Try hanging up air fresheners all around your desk and Febreeze the area thoroughly, one can in each hand. In the old days, we would have thrown him in a lake and burned his clothes, but with all these psychos around today there's no telling what that guy would do for retribution. If all else fails, just wear one of those masks people wore during the plague with the long ass noses filled with spices and herbs. You might look ridiculous, but odds are you'll have the best grade in the class since you'll be the only one not affected by Oscar the Grouch over there.

Electronically mail your queries and conundrums to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

Dumbass Sayings: “Mouthbreather”

Smart people breathe only
through their nostrils.
For whatever reason, “Mouthbreather” has become a synonym for “stupid person”. The thing that doesn’t make sense about this phrase is that everyone breathes through their mouth. If you spend your whole life breathing through your nose then you’re the one with the problem here.

“Mouthbreathing” may have a bad connotation because of bad breath and oral hygiene, but if that’s the case then why is it synonymous with stupidity? Smart people can have halitosis too. Maybe dummies have worse breath than geniuses, maybe not. I doubt there has been much scientific research on this issue.

Bad breath is gross and having someone exhale it into your face is disgusting, but is “nosebreathing” that much better? It might seem like a more dignified way to breathe until you shoot a booger on someone’s cheek or accidentally blow a loose nose hair into their mouth during a conversation. Is that really more sophisticated than blowing your ass breath into someone’s face? I don’t think so.

A “mouthbreeder” might be a better derogatory term to use. A “mouthbreeder” is someone who gives lots of blow jobs. Even that though, not sure that’s a bad thing. I think the lesson to be learned here is that mouths are fundamental parts of everyday life for human beings and so nothing that we do with them should be deemed foolish. They’re intrinsic to our survival. Mouths are good.

The Top 5 Best Mental Images To Help You Stop Getting A Woody

May have to add Mummy Baby to
this list in the future.
In virtually every scenario or setting besides intercourse, having a boner is inappropriate and uncalled for. If you find yourself in a situation where you need to stop getting a stiffy it's important to have a mental library of really unarousing things to imagine quickly so that you avoid ruining your daughter's wedding or what have you. Here are the top 5 best things to.imagine when you feel yourself getting a boner in an inappropriate setting like a moment of silence or SeaWorld:

5. Maxwell the Geico pig being boiled alive
Now I don't care whether you like the pig or not, seeing a sentient English speaking animal being boiled alive in oil is very disturbing. It'd be like that scene in "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" where Judge Doom kills the little shoe cartoon in dip except worse because of the better animation these days.

That pig seems like a douche, but we don't really know him. I'm sure he's cool off camera.

4. A person being lowered slowly feet first into a pool of lava
When you talk about disturbing images, seeing someone slowly lowered into a burning substance like lava or acid is really sickening. It was sad when it happened at the end of "Terminator 2: Judgement Day", but it would have been horrifying if the Terminator was a flesh and blood human being rather than a machine who had much higher thresholds for pain.

You are alive when lava starts to eat you.

3. Rosie O'Donnell and Ellen DeGeneres making love
This is one of my personal favorites to use. Now you might want to see what happens when these two lesbian juggernauts collide in a sweaty tornado of same-sex loving, but odds are you want to see that just out of sheer curiosity like the way you observe a tragic factory explosion. You would be in awe, but you would not be sexually aroused.

If anyone actually saw this happen their brain would most likely explode.

2. A family being attacked by a grizzly bear
Bottom line: if you can get aroused while imagining this then you've probably got much bigger problems than being caught with a boner during the Pledge of Allegiance.

Bear attacks: Not a suitable alternative to Viagra.

And the number one best thing to imagine when you're getting a boner at an inopportune time is...

1. Being drowned to death by a Killer Whale in the Arctic Ocean
The key to this image is immersion. Everyone knows that cold temperatures cause severe shrinkage, that's why you don't see any Inuit pornstars. Couple that with the terror of being drowned in an icy tomb by a giant Orca monster and you will definitely go flaccid. I guarantee it.

You'd think there'd be a fun explanation behind the nickname "Killer Whale", but it's actually very terrifying.