Dumbass Saying: “Icing on the Cake”

Sometimes you hear people say things like “The most important thing to me was saving those dogs from being killed in the tornado. Meeting Oprah was just the icing on the cake.” When people say “icing on the cake” they’re referring to something extra that’s nice, but not their primary motivation or interest. I have a feeling the people who say this are severely underestimating the value of icing. What is a cake without icing? No one ever eats a cake without icing. Unless you’re talking about a pound cake or something, most of the time a cake needs icing. The next time you have a birthday party for someone make them a cake without icing and check out the look on their face. A cake without icing is just a block of sweet bread. It’s like a pizza without cheese; it’s only one item, but it’s fairly critical to the enjoyment of the food product. So no, an extra benefit that just pops up in life isn’t “just icing on the cake” it’s more like a special message written on the cake with a piping bag. Writing on a cake isn’t extremely critical to the enjoyment of said cake. It’s a nice added touch and that would be the proper analogy to make.

Don't you dare underestimate the power of icing.

Dumbass Sayings: “That’s So Funny I Forgot To Laugh”

Sometimes when you tell someone a joke or do an impression that they don’t like they’ll say “That’s so funny I forgot to laugh!” I really dislike this saying because it’s very insulting to people with Alzheimer’s Disease. They are the only people who would ever find something so funny that they forgot to laugh. People without a mental disease like Alzheimer’s would never forget to laugh if something was funny. That’s just not something that people do unless they have a serious disability. So basically when someone says this they’re mocking people with Alzheimer’s. When you’re telling a joke to someone with Alzheimer’s sometimes they’ll say “That’s so funny! ... I forgot to laugh.” When they say it they’re being sincere and they really enjoyed your joke. When some jackass says it sarcastically they’re just being an insensitive prick. The ironic thing is people say “That’s so funny I forgot to laugh” sarcastically meaning that there’s technically a humorous aspect to them saying this. And yet, someone saying this is probably even more unfunny than your joke. So they’re answering your attempt at humor with their own half assed cliche attempt at humor except they’re failing even worse which invalidates their opinion entirely. This is just an all-around dumb, overused phrase that I can’t believe people still use.

No one under the age of 70 should be able to say this.

Dumbass Sayings: “Hide The Salami”

Salami in plain sight.

Sometimes people use the term "Hide the salami" as a euphemism for penile sexual intercourse. Let's stop to think about this for a moment. Who are you hiding it from? The neighbors? Stop having sex on their lawn. This whole business of “Hiding the salami” just doesn’t make sense. When you’re having intercourse you don’t hide the salami and just leave it there. Maybe you do if you’re a weirdo, but eventually you’re going to have to remove it at some point. What most people tend to do is hide and reveal repeatedly so if you’re going to liken sex to any game it would be more accurate to call it “Peekaboo with the salami.” If you want to be even more accurate, “Peekaboo with the mostly eaten Slim Jim.” Because let’s face it... Salami? Have you seen what salami looks like?

Even “Peekaboo” might not be too accurate because when you play peekaboo with a baby you’re hiding and revealing your face, not the actual baby in a vagina or some other hole you're putting it in. The problem with either of these sayings “Hide the salami” or “Peekaboo with the salami” is that they imply a third party is there observing. That 3rd party is the one you’re hiding the salami from or playing peekaboo with. Thus, any intercourse that occurs without an audience cannot be classified as “hiding the salami.”

Dumbass Saying: "Under The Weather"

For some reason when a person is sick we say they're "Under the weather". Why is that? Is it because they're under rain clouds getting wet and catching a cold? Yeah that sort of makes sense except for the fact that technically EVERYONE is under the weather at all times. When are you not "under the weather?" Unless you're in space shuttle orbiting Earth you're never "over the weather." Even in planes people are still under as well as in the weather. That's what turbulence is. If only airlines could find a way to always fly over the weather there might be fewer aviation disasters dealing with air currents and lightning strikes. Plus, none if the passengers would ever get sick! Oddly enough when the zombie apocalypse comes you're going to want to be in an underground bunker cut off from society. That's about as far under the weather as you can get and ironically you'll be the only one without the highly contagious sickness.

Sometimes being under the weather looks cool. Not when you're vomiting, but when giant green ghost farts fill the sky.

Dumbass Sayings: “You Can Never Be TOO Safe”

Does that really need a sign?

There’s a popular saying that “You can never be too safe”. This is usually said by people being paranoid and over cautious about things to justify their behaviors. This saying is provably untrue especially when dealing with people who have OCD. If you have OCD and you’re checking your front door seventeen times before you leave the house to make sure it’s locked properly, that IS being too safe. You’re wasting time because you’re obsessed with the idea of being safe.

OCD is not the only reason this saying is BS. If you’ve ever been really scared of getting an STD and had sex while you’re wearing more than one condom and the woman has a female condom inside her that’s being too safe. At that point the latex is having more fun than you. Plus, if it wasn’t possible to be “too safe” then it would be totally okay to wear a helmet during sex, but most women think this makes you look really stupid and they feel like leaving immediately. Yelling "YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO SAFE!" doesn't change their mind. This saying is simply not true. End of story.

Dumbass Sayings "If You Can't Stand The Heat Get Out of The Kitchen!"

Welcome to the Thunderdome!

When someone appears to be faltering in a pressure situation where they're under a lot of stress, a common thing to say to them is "If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen!" This saying never made much sense to me. Is it really THAT hot in a kitchen? Sure maybe when the oven is on and the windows are open in the middle of Summer, but there are warmer places to be. Why not say "If you can't stand the heat get out of the boiler room!" or "If you can't stand the heat get out of the desert!" or "If you can't stand the heat step away from the volcano!" or "If you can't stand the heat take your dick out of the toaster!" All of those are much warmer situations than a kitchen.

Kitchens are actually supposed to be kept at a relatively average temperature since there are pantries filled with non-perishable goods that should not be subjected to high heat. And why is there such an obsession with heat? Being cold is just as bad as being hot. Why not say "If you can't stand freezing, get out of the meat locker!" or "If you can't stand the chill get the fudgesicle out of your ass?" Why am I the only one who says these things? I think they're pretty COOL sayings.

Also, it's always been sexist to say that "A woman's place is in the kitchen". Well if it's so hot, intense, and difficult in there then they isn't that either a compliment or not a sexist thing to say? We should all want to be in the kitchen because that's where you face the flames of immense challenge and fight them off with your extinguisher of perseverance. Either being in a kitchen demands respect or it doesn't! Which one is it?

Dumbass Sayings "You Can Dish It Out, But You Can't Take It!"

Let's say that as a joke you pranked someone by drawing a giant vagina on their forehead in permanent marker while they're asleep. They were upset and so the next day they drugged you tattooed a very realistic looking penis onto your chin. You want to press charges and threaten to sue them for the money it's going to take for tattoo removal and they say, "Aww, you can dish it out, but you can't take it!" Yeah... So? Is that a problem? Hell There's nothing wrong with being able to dish it out and not being able to take it.

Most police officers can't take being shot in the chest, but does that mean they should hesitate to take out a murderer? Then the murderer gets murdered so he dished it out and took it, is he glad that happened? Does that prove anything? You don't go your whole life thinking "Before I do this, would I want this to happen to me?" People can handle putting their penis into another person, but when that's turned around it becomes a completely different situation that most people can't handle. Does that make them worthy of ridicule? I doubt it. The next time someone says "You can dish it out, but you can't take it!" Say it right back to them and end the whole interaction.