Dumbass Sayings: “Persona Au Gratin”

When people say “Persona au gratin” I think they’re confusing it with the phrase “Persona non grata” which means “an unwelcomed person” and mixing it with the culinary dish “Potatoes au gratin” which consists of scalloped potatoes with a browned cheese crust. There is a chance it could mean “fancy, rich person” considering “le gratin” is a French term used to describe people of the upper crust of society. Or even scarier, they could be referring to a cannibal recipe in which a human being is cut into pieces then topped with breadcrumbs, egg, cheese, and onions and then toasted. I’d like to believe that’s not the case. So whenever someone says “Persona au gratin” they’re just being dumb. Pardon my French, but they’re “Abrutis putain!” Furthermore, ils sont des crétins putain qui ne savent pas comment parler correctement et ils ont besoin pour leurs phrases correctes ou bien ils vont continuer à regarder comme des idiots et tout le monde sait qu'ils n'ont aucune idée de ce que l'enfer ils parlent. Sorry I got a little out of control with my French there. I apologize for it once again.

Potato non grata.

Dumbass Sayings: “Hide The Salami”

Salami in plain sight.

Sometimes people use the term "Hide the salami" as a euphemism for penile sexual intercourse. Let's stop to think about this for a moment. Who are you hiding it from? The neighbors? Stop having sex on their lawn. This whole business of “Hiding the salami” just doesn’t make sense. When you’re having intercourse you don’t hide the salami and just leave it there. Maybe you do if you’re a weirdo, but eventually you’re going to have to remove it at some point. What most people tend to do is hide and reveal repeatedly so if you’re going to liken sex to any game it would be more accurate to call it “Peekaboo with the salami.” If you want to be even more accurate, “Peekaboo with the mostly eaten Slim Jim.” Because let’s face it... Salami? Have you seen what salami looks like?

Even “Peekaboo” might not be too accurate because when you play peekaboo with a baby you’re hiding and revealing your face, not the actual baby in a vagina or some other hole you're putting it in. The problem with either of these sayings “Hide the salami” or “Peekaboo with the salami” is that they imply a third party is there observing. That 3rd party is the one you’re hiding the salami from or playing peekaboo with. Thus, any intercourse that occurs without an audience cannot be classified as “hiding the salami.”

Dumbass Sayings: “LIfe’s A Beach”

Life is a beach,
sometimes you get
skin cancer.

Sometimes when you’re being verbally reprimanded for masturbating in the break room you’ll be in your boss’ office and you’ll look at his coffee mug and it says “Life’s a beach on it.” What kind of nonsense is that? Life is a beach? That’s apparently supposed to be a play on the saying “Life’s a bitch.” The problem is, that’s not even a real saying. When was the last time you hear someone say “Life’s a bitch”? If you’re going to parody something on a coffee mug it should be somewhat relevant. Let’s just assume it has nothing to do with life being a bitch. Life is NOT a beach. At a beach I can walk around in nothing but a thong and it’s totally acceptable. Try doing that at Walgreens and see what kind of reaction you get. Most times an employee will alert the manager and the police will be notified. If life was really a beach people would be too busy having fun, surfing, or just sunbathing to care about the fact one of my nuts slipped out of my banana hammock.

Dumbass Sayings: “Kicking Ass And Taking Names”

Always carry around a pen and
clipboard in case you need to
kick ass and take names.

Sometimes you’ll hear someone use the phrase “Kicking ass and taking names” to mean being tough or beating people up. The problem with this phrase is it only half makes sense. If you’re going around assaulting people that’s called “Kicking ass” but who really “Takes names”? When you finish pummelling someone’s buttocks with your foot do you stop and write their name down in a ledger? No! You run and get the hell out of there before the cops show up.

Taking names is a completely unnecessary step during the process of kicking asses. Odds are if you stop to take names eventually the police will arrive to not only take YOUR name, but take your ass to a holding cell. Plus, what are the odds the person you just beat up gives you their real name? Why would anyone do that? If someone kicks your ass, don’t give them your name. You’re only inviting future abuse into your life.

The only time this saying should actually be used is if you’re collecting signatures for a petition and influencing people to sign by physically assaulting them. Then and only then would this make a damn bit of sense.

Dumbass Sayings: “Keep Your Friends Close And Your Enemies Closer”

Jesus could have kept Satan closer,
but he didn't.
He sent his ass far away to Hell.

This is a saying that no one should ever take seriously. You should NEVER keep your enemies closer than your friends. If you decide to do this then you’re probably inviting your worst enemies to your birthday parties, Thanksgiving dinner and even Christmas. I can’t tell you what a bad idea that is. If you think dealing with relatives around holidays is rough, just imagine how tough it is when you’re dealing with people who want to see you dead. Every meal is a gamble over whether or not you’re being poisoned. Every night you have to worry about being killed in your sleep by the enemies you’ve invited over for a slumber party. It’s just an awful idea. You can keep your enemies close, but NOT closer than your friends. I don’t know why the hell that’s part of it. Whoever created this saying was going too far with that. They were onto something, but took it too damn far and made it stupid.

Dumbass Sayings “Not For Nothing”

"Not for nothin', but
I am so high right now!"

“Not for nothin” is perhaps the most redundant phrase in the English language. The only reason this saying is still used today is because it’s a double negative and by the time the listener starts to translate it into proper English and realize it’s a useless thing for the speaker to say, the speaker has already completed what they wanted to say and the focus is then drawn to the main topic of conversation.

Saying “Not for nothing” is basically like saying “I’m going to say something now...” before you say something. It’s like tacking “You know?” on the front of a sentence. Saying “You know?” is pretty dumb, but at least it’s at the end of a sentence to fill the awkwardness of the silence created by what you just said (ex: “Llamas are really sexy, you know?”) However there’s no reason to start off a sentence with a useless time wasting phrase like that. “Not for nothing” is arguably one of the dumbest sayings anyone’s ever heard and not for nothin’, but it’s time to put a stop to it.