Dumbass Sayings: “Take The Road Less Traveled By”

When you’re with your grandpa on his deathbed he starts talking about his life and starts saying “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I! I took the one less traveled by and that has made all the difference!” People love quoting this famous Robert Frost poem, but what they often get wrong is the meaning. Frost didn’t mean the road less traveled by was a good thing. The line “I shall be telling this with a sigh” communicates a tinge of regret there. You don’t sigh when you recall good things that you’re happy about. Taking the road less traveled means you missed out on whatever the other road had to offer and you’ll never know how things could have turned out different. That would happen regardless of which road you took so there’s nothing notable about taking the road less traveled by. If anything you should take the road most traveled by just for safety reasons. Let’s say you’re in a snowy woods and you see a road with a lot of footprints and then another next to it completely covered in snow. Which one do you choose? You may want to explore and take the road less traveled by, but don’t be surprised when you’re eaten alive by a pack of wolves!

People have traveled in groups throughout history for a reason.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Should Churches Have Bathrooms?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
I went to a new church last week and they had a bathroom. I remember the church I went to as a child also had a bathroom. I never went in there because I was scared of the priests, but that’s another story. Isn’t it weird for churches to have bathrooms? Why would you want to poop in the house of God? Wouldn’t he take offense to that? Could it be possible that God lets bad things happen to people because we’re peeing and pooping in his houses of worship? To me, that would be an insult. Why not make an outhouse nearby instead just to be safe? -- William from Savannah, Georgia

Dear William:
Well, I think that if god is a gracious host then he wouldn’t mind people shitting in his house. After all, we are supposedly made in his image which you have to assume involves a digestive system and rectum. Therefore, god is no stranger to defecation and urination. Even if he doesn’t do it himself, I’m sure he understands it’s a natural thing for us humans and while an outhouse might be nice, it’s certainly not necessary. I agree that it is weird to just show up in someone’s house to worship them and then drop a deuce in their toilet, but he’s god. He can’t be insulted by something so basic. We have no free will when it comes to crapping. As long as you’re respectful in the church bathroom, (i.e. not pissing on the seat, remembering to flush, washing your hands before you go shake people’s hands, etc.) everything should be fine.

Church bathrooms are the only place to take a literal "holy shit."
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Dumbass Sayings: “I’m Not a Morning Person”

When people show up late to your Sunday morning pancake social they always say shit like “Sorry, I’m not a morning person.” What the hell is a “morning person”? Saying “I’m not a morning person” is like saying “I’m not a big fan of rape” or “I feel like the Holocaust was a negative event in human history.” Yeah, thanks for that information. You don’t have to tell people you’re not a morning person. I’m pretty sure no one wakes up and is automatically excited about doing anything in life. It takes a lot of coffee, one good shit, and a shower before you’re ready to do anything in your day. If by some chance you were a morning person then that would be something noteworthy that you could mention that would surprise people and be new information. Saying you’re not a “morning person” is like going to a funeral and telling people you’re not a “mourning person.” No one likes mourning the dead just the same as no one likes waking up and going to work, but it’s part of life that we can’t avoid so you may as well just do it and shut the hell up. There’s nothing worse than people whining about universal problems that everyone faces. If you’re going to complain it had better be about something very specific that no one can relate to like a vestigial twin or having no ears.

Sleep is objectively a thousand times better than waking up and anyone who doesn't believe that is living a lie.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do People Find Puffed Up Lips Attractive?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
A lot of women are getting lip injections to make their lips look like they were attacked by wasps. Why is this puffy lips look considered attractive? Why is it attractive to make your mouth look like a big swollen baboon’s asshole? Isn’t that a little weird? Why are people attracted to baboon ass mouths? -- Chelsea from New Haven, Connecticut

Dear Chelsea:
Well, the mouth isn’t just the beginning of the digestive system, it also plays a huge role in sex and attraction. As much as we don’t want to admit it, the mouth is basically an extra head anus. It’s just a reverse anus basically. It’s a bizarro anus. If body parts were related, the anus and mouth would be like twins who live on opposite sides of the world and don’t talk a lot. You can’t forget that we evolved from the same ancestor as chimpanzees so we share some common interests with our fellow primates. For apes, the buttocks and anus serve as a sexual presentation site. For humans, they’re more like breasts on your backside. So getting bigger lips is essentially like increasing the size of your metaphorical backtittied assmouth. Getting lip injections might seem like too much for you, but odds are you’ve used lipstick at some point which is the same idea. Lipstick is seen as sexy because it makes the lips look like a blood engorged vagina or anus. I’m sorry, I know this might be a little disturbing, but it’s science. Ironically, swollen lips are a natural symptom of Crohn's Disease. Yes, that’s the shitting disease. Oddly enough, Crohn’s disease is classified as a specific type of inflammatory bowel disease that can affect any area between the mouth and anus. There’s clearly a linkage here that I haven’t quite figured out yet, but suffice it to say the mouth and anus share a very common, disgusting bond.

All these people paying for lip injections when they could just get Herpes for free...

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Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do Some People Hate Babies?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
Ever since I had my newborn I’ve noticed that not everyone is always thrilled to see her as much as me and my family. Some people have said some really rude things like “Can you take your shitty baby out of here?” or “Can you get that thing to stop crying?” What is this behavior towards babies about? I thought all people loved babies. How can you not love babies? What is wrong with these people? I want to understand. -- Fran from Brooklyn, New York

Dear Fran:
I think what you’re experiencing is a combination of a few different factors. Firstly, no one likes the smell of baby shit or a crying baby. That has always been true, but these days people are much more outspoken and a lot of people have mild functional autism so they’ll just say what’s on their mind no matter how rude it sounds. This is just a change everyone’s going to have to get used to. You just have to have tougher skin and change your definition of what rude means. The other reason people may be negative toward babies is the fact that the planet is becoming overpopulated. Having a baby can be seen as a selfish act because we really don’t need more people in the world. If everyone just stopped having babies for like ten years we’d be in a much better shape when it came to resources, carbon emissions, and clean water. People have babies to be a replacement for themselves in the future so others may be viewing the baby as an extension of you and transferring their hatred of you to the baby. And lastly, I think a lot of people are just naturally jealous of babies. Babies have it so much better than adults. You get to sleep pretty much at will, shit on yourself in public with no consequences, and suck titties all day. If anyone thinks they can describe a better life than that I’d really like to see them try.

Elderly lady be like "I must have your youth!"

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Dumbass Slogans: “Clean Enough to Go Commando”

The Cottonelle toilet paper company is currently featuring the slogan “Clean enough to go commando.” By this, they mean after using their toilet paper your asshole will be clean enough to walk around without underpants on without fear of getting shit all over your pants. First of all, that’s pretty gross. I know cleaning shit off anuses is a touchy subject, but we don’t need to go there. The main problem with this slogan is anyone can decide to go commando. The key issue is do you have shitstains all over the inside of your pants after you’ve made that decision? Cottonelle never provides us with any proof that these people in their commercials have shitless pants after walking around without wearing underpants. Their pants could have skidmarks all over the insides and they still technically “went commando.” Merely going commando proves nothing of the efficacy of their bathroom tissue. If you’re going to make the bold statement that your toilet paper is good enough to make the concept of underwear obsolete then you had better back it up with real proof. At least Charmin never makes outrageous statements like that. They like to keep it clean and delight us with cartoon bears wiping their asses. It’s that kind of euphemism I think we all need because if you really want to get down to the nitty gritty of wiping your butthole after a huge dump then you better bring hard facts to support your outrageous claims. I don’t think Cottonelle can and even if they could I’m sure the FCC would have something to say about it. They’d have to show the shitstains you get from going commando after using a competitor and then put that side by side with Cottonelle. The problem is you can’t just show genuine shitstains on TV so they’re screwed either way and that’s why “clean enough to go commando” is pure bullshit.

When you're putting your life on the line there's no time for undergarments.


The Top 5 Worst Times to Have Diarrhea

Okay so there’s probably never a good time to have diarrhea, but there are definitely worse times than others. The problem is you can’t really control diarrhea, by it’s nature it is a chaotic force of nature. However, you can prepare accordingly. For example, you may not want to eat Wendy’s before a certain event. Here are the top 5 worst times to have diarrhea happen to you:

5. On a water slide.
A raging water slide is one of the worst places you can have raging diarrhea. Unfortunately, it’s also one of the easiest places to have it. Let’s say you just had some bad shrimp at the food court, now you’re rocketing down a giant water slide on your asshole. You don’t need to be a mathematician to figure out the end of that equation.

If you're going to shit on a water slide at least break off a solid log so it can flow down like a flume.

4. While sitting on Santa’s lap.
If anything can ruin Christmas, it’s certainly having diarrhea on Santa’s lap. Not only will you be embarrassed, but you will have ruined the holiday for every other kid who was waiting to sit on what they had hoped would be an unshat on lap.

Shitting on Santa is an automatic stocking of coal.

3. On a roller coaster.
If you’re feeling a bit of a stomach cramp before you get on a roller coaster please make sure to sit in the very back of the ride. There’s nothing worse than having a liquid shit attack on the front of a rollercoaster right as it’s about to go into a series of loop de loops. This might even cause others behind you to start vomiting which only compounds the problem. By the time you get off, everyone’s soaked in barf and shit and ready to kill you.

Roller coasters are about exhilaration not excrement.

2. In a subway car.
I think everyone’s nightmare scenario is having to crap diarrhea while in a subway car because there’s no way to get out. You’re trapped there around dozens of other people sometimes standing right next to you, or maybe even pressed up against you. Imagine the discomfort and shame of shitting diarrhea while a stranger’s pelvis is pressed right up against your ass. And then it’s not like you can even just run away like when you normally have diarrhea in public. You’re trapped on that train for minutes til the next stop and that’s assuming there isn’t a delay. That means you’re stuck in a small place with tons of people with your diarrhea stink flooding the car and the only one happy about it will be the hobo who suddenly doesn’t smell so bad all of a sudden. Sure you could go out into the area between the cars, but you’ll probably die out there. Still, that’s usually your only option, RISKING DEATH over diarrhea. That’s just messed up.

Once those doors close you're basically in a mobile prison.

And the number one worst place to get diarrhea is...

1. Court.
When you put your hand on the Bible you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Unfortunately they don’t include the promise to not shit yourself by accident. Not only is this humiliating, but it also calls into question your character during the testimony. Everything you said leading up to you diarrhea-ing on yourself is now suspect. Who has diarrhea on the witness stand? Not even Charles Manson does that!

"Your Honor, I seem to have soiled myself..."

Dumbass Saying: “Get a Room”

Sometimes when two people are fornicating in the water fountain at the local park people yell “GET A ROOM!” The problem I have with this saying is that it rarely ever works. Do you really think people hear this during their passionate moaning and think “Yeah let’s stop our intense lovemaking and spend money on a private room at the nearest motel.” The whole reason they’re banging in public is because they don’t give a damn what anyone thinks to begin with. No, if you want to put a stop to a public exhibition of love whether it’s full on anal intercourse, making out, or simply just a couple holding hands, the best thing you can do is start masturbating. I can speak from experience on this. Nothing makes people more uncomfortable than when you’re jacking it to them. And since they’re the ones who started it, you sort of have a social excuse, more so than say if you just walked up to someone eating an ice cream cone. They’re doing something provocative, you’re masturbating to it. 9 times out of 10 they will stop and move along very quickly. This act is so brash that it overpowers any sort of emotion they were feeling. The beauty is that if by some chance they remain nonplussed you can just keep on going and have a great time yourself. It’s really a no-lose situation, provided there aren’t any police around to arrest all of you.

Get a NICE room, unless you're banging a nomadic grifter.


Ask McFartnuggets: “Is it Okay to Come Out as Homophobic?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
Ever since I can remember I’ve been a homophobic. I’m not proud of it, I’m actually very embarrassed about it. Whenever I see gay people it makes me feel weird. It’s just a bad feeling I get and I can’t really explain it all I know is it makes me feel very uncomfortable and sometimes nauseous. I’ve tried to get help for it but I no matter who I talk to about it they can’t seem to change me. I know this makes me a bad person. I don’t want to feel this way believe me. For me, it’s not a choice. I feel like it’s something I’ve been born with and it’s a part of who I am. I want to so desperately tell the people in my family so they can know who I really am, but at the same time I don’t want them to stop loving me and think I’m some kind of ignorant, hateful person. Should I come out to my family a homophobe? Or should I keep living in the shadows pushing this ugly truth deeper and deeper into the dark hole of my soul? -- Samuel from Calabasas, California

Dear Samuel:
Uhhh… That’s a very interesting dilemma you’re having. I can sense a very strong irony here. However, from what you’ve said I don’t think you’re the bad kind of “homophobic.” Sure people can get creeped out by gays, just the same way you can get creeped out by clowns or spiders. Being arachnophobic isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Being arachnophobic doesn’t always mean deep down you’re a spider and you’re pretending not to be. Now it’s one thing to just be bothered by those things, but when you go around stomping on spiders and yelling slurs at clowns who are just trying to entertain children that’s when there start to be problems. As long as you’re not being overtly negative about how you feel about homosexuals then I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. If you feel you have to tell people this is how you feel then you should. I don’t think anyone should ever have to hide who they really are as long as it’s not hurting anyone too much. The difference is gays are hiding who they love which are positive feelings and you’re hiding negative feelings. Most people in society hide their negative feelings. If we didn’t the world would be a much more fucked up place. But, there are degrees to negativity and I don’t think I’d call what you have a “hatred.” If it was true hate then I’d say stay in the closet as a homophobe, but if it’s just not what tickles your fancy then that’s your right. You can stop pushing it into your hole is what I’m saying.

Is it homophobic to be afraid of leprechauns? Possibly.

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Dumbass Sayings: “Burning Bridges”

When people offer you jobs after you’ve already officially accepted an offer from another company sometimes you tell them to fuck off because you don’t need them. People tell you that’s called “burning bridges” because you’re ruining connections that are behind you and one day you might want to go back. The way I see it, if you have a bridge that can be burned then it’s probably a drawbridge made of ropes and wooden planks. Those are very treacherous, unstable, and cheap bridges. Those bridges are crap to begin with. Any bridge worth its salt can withstand a little burning. Obviously if it’s flammable then that’s not a bridge that was worth my time to begin with. As a matter of fact, not only are those bridges shit, but they’re also a hazard and danger for other people who might happen upon them in the future. Sometimes burning bridges can be a good thing, like if a pack of savage natives are chasing after you. You would burn the bridge so you could escape. It’s not always a bad thing. So yes, I would burn bridges just to get rid of them and then in the place of that build a better more sturdy suspension bridge. If someone’s bridge melts when you tell them to fuck off then they clearly haven’t galvanized themselves properly. Every bridge should be tested frequently for safety flaws and if you have to put a little bit of fire on them to see how strong they are then so be it!

I don't really see how you could set that on fire, but okay...


Ask McFartnuggets: “Who Would Build The Wall Between Mexico and America?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
If Donald Trump becomes President he has said he wants to build a wall between Mexico and America to keep rapists out. Everyone says that Mexicans will end up building the wall and that shows how valuable they are as workers. It’s obvious Americans wouldn’t build the wall because it’s too much work so who else could build the wall besides Mexicans and Americans? Could we bring in cheap labor from another country like Haiti perhaps? -- Tasha from San Diego, California

Dear Tasha:
Well when you talk about building giant walls I think the answer is obvious. We need to hire the Chinese. Now hear me out on this. Have you seen The Great Wall of China? These people clearly know what they’re doing when it comes to walls. Yes we will have to pay them to do the job, but there’s a solid chance that the wall will then become a great tourist attraction which will bring all that money back plus great profits. The best part is, if you’ve seen the Great Wall of China, it’s pretty obvious people could get around or over that if they tried so we’d still have the cheap Mexican labor that helps America at the same time we’d have a symbolic wall dividing our nations, plus we’ll be paying back our debt to China by subsidizing employment. It’s a win/win/win!

Great Wall of China? How about the Most Awesomest Wall of America?

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Dumbass Sayings: “One Trick Pony”

When you’re having your yearly performance review in your boss’ office he says shit like “We need you to start being more versatile around here. You’re a one trick pony and we need more out you!” This phrase “one trick pony” doesn’t really make sense to me. The main problem with it is, there’s no such thing as a “two trick pony” or a “three trick pony.” When have you ever seen a multiple trick pony? What other tricks can a pony have? A pony pretty much just runs. I guess that’s what their trick is, but I would hesitate to call that a “trick.” Ponies run. That’s what ponies do. This would be like calling breathing and taking a shit a “trick.” Well if those are tricks then call me David Fucking Copperfield. Running, simply put, is not a trick. The only time running would be a trick is if you’re in a wheelchair. Unfortunately, ponies never are in wheelchairs. I say unfortunately because instead of giving them a wheelchair, people just shoot them in the head with a rifle. So if there can’t be a “two trick pony” then a one trick pony is pretty much all you can possibly be. Of course, it’s not all you can be, therefore the phrase is the problem, not the concept.

There's a reason you don't see too many pony magicians.


Dumbass Saying: “No Regrets”

One of the most popular phrases people say before doing something really stupid like asking a stranger to have sex or drinking and driving is “NO REGRETS!” A lot of people make this their main creed in life. The idea is that they will do whatever they want so when they’re older they won’t have any regrets about not doing certain things in their life. People fear looking back and wanting to change things that they can’t. The obvious problem with this is you can also regret things that you did actually do. That’s a pretty important thing people forget about. It’s just as easy to regret doing something that was a huge mistake as it is to regret something you decided not to do. If you get hammered drunk and smoke meth while screaming “NO REGRETS!” there’s a decent chance you’re going to end the night with some regrets. Your only hope is that you’ll get blackout drunk and forget, but it’s likely that law enforcement will remember and you’ll have plenty of time to regret in the holding cell. The fact is, you can’t really regret things you didn’t do because you have no idea how they would have turned out. Let’s say you passed up on a great job opportunity. You might want to regret that, but who’s to say you wouldn’t have been hit by a bus on your way to work the first day? That definitely could have happened so you can’t regret what you don’t know. On the other hand, we know exactly what happened when you decided to smoke bath salts and shit in the backseat of a cop car. THAT is a valid regret. Now if you want to say “No regrets” after the fact then that’s fine, but everyone knows you’re lying to yourself.

So you married a rake. That was your choice and you shouldn't regret it.


Ask McFartnuggets: “Are Those Taco Bell Cap'n Crunch Balls Really Clown Testicles?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
I’m sure by now you know Taco Bell is serving Cap’n Crunch balls and I’m wondering if they’re actually something else. They’re red and they got colorful bits all over them and when you bite in, hot gooey white stuff comes out. Now am I wrong or is that exactly what clown testicles look like? Of course Taco Bell has also been waging war against McDonald’s in recent commercials with the Breakfast Defectors campaign. Is it possible that they’re harvesting clown testicles in an effort to send a strong message to Ronald McDonald? -- Loomis from Cranston, Rhode Island

Dear Loomis:
That’s an interesting theory however there are a few problems with it. First off, if those really were clown balls then you’d probably hear a lot about it from local clowns. Maybe they’d be too embarrassed, but the number one thing you’d notice is a steep drop in the number of clowns harassing children. Without their balls they wouldn’t have as much of an impulse to be riding around in their vans with machetes following kids around parks. I for one, have not seen any evidence of a slowdown in this behavior. For those to be genuine clown testicles then there’d have to be a very obvious clown ball holocaust going on with clowns sent in droves to de-ballment camps. There’d be no way to hide such a large operation. Also we all know clowns cum confetti. So if they were real clown balls, when you bit in there’d be confetti or silly string in there, not hot cream sauce. Get your facts straight.

When you think about it, semen is basically just a clown car full of sperm.

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Dumbass Sayings: “Dick Move”

When you drink too much before a funeral and end up accidentally vomiting into the open casket people say “Hey man, that was a real dick move…” A “dick move”? Why do we call bad behaviors “dick moves”? There’s nothing wrong with a dick move. If it wasn’t for dick moves none of us would be here. Having intercourse and throwing up sperm into a vagina is a total dick move, literally. Is that considered a bad thing? No, that’s pretty much the best possible thing for most people on this planet. When something fun or exciting happens it makes your “dick move.” That’s how you can tell you’re having a good time. When I’m at the circus and I feel my dick move it lets me know I’m in the right place and things are going good in life. My whole philosophy in life is find out what makes your “dick move” and then just go after that because that’s where your dreams are hiding. So enough of this calling bad things “dick moves” business. If you see someone doing something bad then call it an “asshole move.” When an asshole is moving it usually means there’s about to be shit coming out of it or someone’s puckering their anus. Either way, that’s generally very bad news.

Well that's the ultimate dick move.


Ask McFartnuggets: “What is Encyclopedia?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
I heard the other day this word “encyclopedia” what is this? I am a teenager so I don’t know this word. What is this to mean? Is it a nickname for a pedophile on a bicycle? -- Maxx from Paris, Texas

Dear Maxx:
Wow, I forgot that kids today are growing up completely different than I did. Believe it or not, people back in the olden times used to use encyclopedias to learn about various subjects. People would go to “libraries” which were essentially cement structures where people would read tangible, printed websites called “books.” One kind of those “books” was the “encyclopedia” which was basically like Wikipedia made out of tree shavings called “paper.” I know it wasn’t very green of people to be cutting down trees to make thick collections of information, but it’s all they had. The nice thing about encyclopedias was that you could pretty much 100% trust the information inside it. It was very rare for anyone to edit or add in their own information the way people do on Wikipedia. Even if you did see the sentence “Albert Einstein wore a wig on his penis and named it Barbara” written in there it’d probably be in pen so you would know immediately not to include that in your school report. With Wikipedia you have to be very mindful of sources and who last edited the page. If you’d like to learn more I would recommend researching encyclopedias on Wikipedia. Just make sure it wasn’t “last edited by EinsteinsDickWig.”

That's right, before Bing there was the Encyclopaedia Britannica.

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Dumbass Sayings: “No Love Lost”

When you see two crackheads fighting in the street usually a third crackhead will start narrating and doing the play-by-play commentary. One popular phrase they’ll say is “There’s no love lost between these two, folks!” What the hell is this supposed to mean? Now think about this, if you say there’s “no love lost” between two people then that could easily mean they love each other, being that none of the love was lost. All their love would still be intact. When two people have no love lost between them and that means they hate each other then there’s also no hate lost either. So you could also say “There’s no hate lost between these two!” and have it mean the same thing as “no love lost.” All their hate is very much visible and possessed. If you can say the exact opposite of a phrase and have it mean the same thing, to me, that’s a bullshit phrase. This is just a goofy ass saying that doesn’t mean a damn thing.

Of course there's love lost. That's why they're fighting in the first place.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Was Ralph Nader Responsible For 9/11?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
People blame Ralph Nader for taking voters away from Al Gore in the 2000 Presidential election so if he hadn’t ran and Al Gore became President do you think Al Gore would have paid more attention to the warnings the President was getting about Bin Laden attacking America that Bush ignored? If people blame Ralph Nader for costing Gore the election shouldn’t he also be blamed for 9/11 and then even the Iraq War and the devastation of the American economy? -- Gwendolyn from Pasadena, California

Dear Gwendolyn:
I don’t think you can blame Ralph Nader for 9/11, that’s a bit much. According the numbers, George W. Bush beat Al Gore in the deciding state of Florida by only 543 votes. You could just as easily blame any of the other 3rd party candidates for not dropping out. Nader was the most popular of them so he carried the blame for that. Even if you believe Nader spoiled the election for Gore and like to think that Gore would have become President, there’s no sure way to say he would have for sure prevented 9/11. Odds are, it, or something very similar would have happened eventually. Bin Laden was “determined” to strike as the warning said and unless the country was put on high alert and started instituting policies like we have today back then before any of it seemed necessary, I don’t see how it could have been prevented. You couldn’t just make people take off their shoes in the airport or ban box cutters before 9/11. That’s the whole reason that stuff was allowed to begin with, people thought it was their right and there was no reason to start sacrificing those rights. As far as the Iraq War goes, maybe Gore wouldn’t have invaded Iraq. Maybe he would have gone right to Afghanistan instead and saved thousands of American lives along with a trillion dollars. However there’s no way to say what would have happened with Saddam Hussein. There’s the possibility that he would have one day gotten a nuke or helped terrorists. You can’t say for sure. Things could be a lot worse just as much as they could be a lot better.  It really just depends on what side of the political aisle you’re on and what you want to believe. As long as you’re alive you can’t really complain about what was done wrong because there’s a chance you could be dead if things were done differently. And if you’re dead you can’t complain either so it’s best to just take things on in the present and forget about what could be different if you can’t change it.

Wow, that's a baggy ass suit!

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The Top 5 Things PROBABLY More Painful Than Childbirth

The act of childbirth, or having a brand new human push its way out of your body via the vaginal canal is widely considered the most severe pain a human being can endure. Now while I have never given birth to a child before, I have to say that seems like a bit of a stretch (if you pardon the pun). Surely there must be a few things more painful than childbirth. Childbirth is a fairly common thing, it’s how we all got here. The most painful things would have to be events that you didn’t willingly insert yourself into and things that are a little more unusual. Here are the top 5 things I believe to be more painful than childbirth:

5. Slathering your genitals in maple syrup and letting a pack of Honey Badgers out.
Think about this for a second, have you ever seen a honey badger? It’s basically a ferret who works out a lot loaded on pure unadulterated Meth. Facing just one in hand-to-paw combat would be difficult enough. Now add in several of them, enough to form a pack. Then further enrage them by coating your nutsack or vagina in a sweet syrup and imagine what would happen. At that point it goes from hand-to-paw combat to genitals-to-teeth combat. Guess who wins!

A honey badger won't hesitate to eat your asshole out like it's a Snack Pack pudding cup.

4. Putting your hands and feet into four industrial strength blenders.
So let’s say you hanging in a harness with your belly face down, hovering above the ground. Then someone puts industrial strength blenders that can crack through human bone over both your hands and both your feet. You’re trying to tell me childbirth is more painful than that? Again, I don’t know for sure, but come on…

Who wants a hand and foot puree?

3. Having molten metal poured into your eye sockets.
If you’re still in the mood for imagination time, try to imagine lying back flat on a table as someone pours liquid molten aluminum into your eye sockets. Or maybe you don’t want to imagine that! I don’t blame you! See that’s the thing, if you don’t want to imagine it then that’s probably a sign. I can imagine pushing a baby out of my asshole. I do it practically every time I come home after an all-you-can-eat buffet. Now, having melted steel burning its way through my eyeballs and into my boiling brain creating a die-cast molding of the inside of my skull, that’s something that hurts just to think about.

Eyes aren't supposed to sizzle.

2. “California Reaper” pepper suppository
The California Reaper pepper has won the Guinness World Record for hottest pepper on the face of the Earth at 2,200,000 Scoville heat units. To put it into perspective, that’s a little more than twice as powerful as the infamous Ghost Pepper. If you simply touch one without gloves on and then touch your eyes it will swell them shut so try to envision what would happen if you jammed one of these up your craphole. That’s not just “bad news” that’s the anal equivalent of 9/11. And you can bet that’s an inside job.

These don't even look suitable to eat much less put in your ass.

And the number one most painful thing that’s probably more painful than childbirth is...

1. Bathing nude in a pool of Bullet ants
The venomous sting of the bullet ant, native to South America is considered the most painful of all wasps, bees, and ants on the Schmidt sting pain index. Basically this guy Justin O. Schmidt gets stung on purpose by all sorts of insects and then ranks them. If the bullet ant is on the top of that lunatic’s list then that means a lot. I guarantee he wouldn’t want to bathe naked in a pool of those bastards. They’re called bullet ants because they feel like being shot by a gun. Now imagine being shot by a bullet over every square centimeter of your body. That SURELY has to be more painful than childbirth. Women give birth all the time. Some mothers claim that by the fourth baby you can hardly even feel it. Well I can say with certainty that a swarm of bullet ants stinging you all over probably hurts the same no matter how loose your vagina is. I wonder how many pregnant woman would shove a California Reaper up their ass and dive into a pool of bullet ants? At that point you’d be begging for someone to pour molten metal into your eyes and you’d wish the blenders and honey badgers could come help kill some of the ants.

Putting on gloves filled with bullet ants is where even crazy people draw the line.


Dumbass Sayings: “Work Longer Hours”

Sometimes when poor people are trying to get the corporations they work for to increase their hourly wages to above poverty levels, someone from the company says “You want to make more money? Work longer hours!” That’s an interesting concept. Work longer hours? Hours are always 60 minutes long each. There’s no way to shorten or lengthen an hour. Hours might seem longer or shorter in your mind depending on what you’re doing with them. Working hours that seem long would only compound your misery. No one can alter the definition of what an hour is. Maybe if you became emperor of the world and told everyone hours would be 120 minutes long then you could work longer hours, but that wouldn’t help. You’d be better off making hours shorter… Then again, at that point you’d be emperor of the world so money would have no value to you.

Even if you had a device to alter and stretch the fabric of time it wouldn’t help you make more money. You’d still be getting paid the same hourly rate. Plus, if you had such a device you could most likely make trillions of dollars from it because it would change everything about what people thought they knew about physics and the universe. No, that’s not a proper solution at all. I think what people mean when they say “Work longer hours” is “Work MORE hours.” Is that so difficult to say? Or maybe they mean “Work longer workdays” which would imply more hours, a measure of quantity. It’s crazy how someone can get so far in the world without understanding how words work. The concept of time is confusing, I get that. No one truly understands how that works, but language is completely within our mental grasp so there’s no excuse for sayings like this.

First, discover what dark matter is, then manipulate it in such a way as to redefine the concept of spacetime.


Dumbass Sayings: “Focus On What You Have”

Sometimes when you’re spiraling into a crippling depression the bartender will say “Hey man, just focus on what you have in life not what you don’t!” Yeah that’s great, unless what you have is Herpes. Sometimes what we have is the whole reason we’re sad. For example if you have a crumbling marriage, a crappy job, and anal warts that’s pretty much all you need to be depressed. When someone tells you to focus on what you have that’s basically like handing them a loaded gun and saying “Hold on, let me get this on Instagram.” Now you could easily remedy this sloppy, lazy, poorly worded phrase of encouragement by simply saying “Focus on THE GOOD THINGS you have” but a surprising number of people don’t bother with that. I suppose that’s because they’re always positive and so they never stop to think that maybe some people have bad things in their life that they’re trying to escape. They don’t stop to think that sometimes in order to escape the bad things you have to run toward the good things that you don’t have. If that’s the case then you should be focusing on what you don’t have! So before you tell someone to focus on what they have, make sure you know exactly what they have and what they don’t have otherwise you’re just going to sound like a fool.

Yeah let me focus on what I have, like my kidney stone collection.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Is There a Difference Between Alimony and Delayed Prostitution?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
Oh queso, I’m getting an divorce this fall and my soon to be ex-wife is ranting on about alimony payments and how I gotta be paying her money now that we’re splitting because we didn’t have a prenumshual agreement or some shit. So lemme get this straight she wants money for being with me. Now call me crazy but isn’t that just delayed prostitution? You pay a hooker to be with you and pay her right after. In this case she was with me for 11 years and because it took longer than an hour all the money added up over time. It’s the same thing isn’t it? -- Maxwell from Topeka, Kansas

Dear Maxwell:
First of all I’m not cheese so stop calling me queso. I think you meant to say “Okay so.” People say “Okay so,” not say “Oh queso.” Also, it’s a “prenuptial” agreement that you’re supposed to agree to before a marriage. People agree to those to make sure no alimony/delayed prostitution charges accrue interest over the course of the marriage. There are some similarities between alimony and paying a prostitute except you’re paying for true love (or at least what you thought was true love). Obviously if you’re the one paying the alimony then you brought in most of the money in the relationship. Because of that, in getting married to this person, you valued their love at the same level as your salary or maybe even more. When the marriage ends prematurely you’re expected to pay back that value of love in cash. A prenuptial agreement could have prevented that, but you assumed the risk by not getting one. Just like a hooker, you engaged in conversation with her and once you do that you’re culpable for whatever negative outcomes arise. It’s essentially like negotiating a hooker into servicing you for free. If there’s love then it’s possible. Of course that’s virtually impossible to set up with a prostitute, and that’s the key difference.

To some, there's not much difference between an ex-wife and a long term hooker, especially if she was blowing some other guy... for money.

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