Ever since I can remember I’ve been a homophobic. I’m not proud of it, I’m actually very embarrassed about it. Whenever I see gay people it makes me feel weird. It’s just a bad feeling I get and I can’t really explain it all I know is it makes me feel very uncomfortable and sometimes nauseous. I’ve tried to get help for it but I no matter who I talk to about it they can’t seem to change me. I know this makes me a bad person. I don’t want to feel this way believe me. For me, it’s not a choice. I feel like it’s something I’ve been born with and it’s a part of who I am. I want to so desperately tell the people in my family so they can know who I really am, but at the same time I don’t want them to stop loving me and think I’m some kind of ignorant, hateful person. Should I come out to my family a homophobe? Or should I keep living in the shadows pushing this ugly truth deeper and deeper into the dark hole of my soul? -- Samuel from Calabasas, California
Uhhh… That’s a very interesting dilemma you’re having. I can sense a very strong irony here. However, from what you’ve said I don’t think you’re the bad kind of “homophobic.” Sure people can get creeped out by gays, just the same way you can get creeped out by clowns or spiders. Being arachnophobic isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Being arachnophobic doesn’t always mean deep down you’re a spider and you’re pretending not to be. Now it’s one thing to just be bothered by those things, but when you go around stomping on spiders and yelling slurs at clowns who are just trying to entertain children that’s when there start to be problems. As long as you’re not being overtly negative about how you feel about homosexuals then I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. If you feel you have to tell people this is how you feel then you should. I don’t think anyone should ever have to hide who they really are as long as it’s not hurting anyone too much. The difference is gays are hiding who they love which are positive feelings and you’re hiding negative feelings. Most people in society hide their negative feelings. If we didn’t the world would be a much more fucked up place. But, there are degrees to negativity and I don’t think I’d call what you have a “hatred.” If it was true hate then I’d say stay in the closet as a homophobe, but if it’s just not what tickles your fancy then that’s your right. You can stop pushing it into your hole is what I’m saying.
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