Dumbass Sayings: “I’m Not a Morning Person”

When people show up late to your Sunday morning pancake social they always say shit like “Sorry, I’m not a morning person.” What the hell is a “morning person”? Saying “I’m not a morning person” is like saying “I’m not a big fan of rape” or “I feel like the Holocaust was a negative event in human history.” Yeah, thanks for that information. You don’t have to tell people you’re not a morning person. I’m pretty sure no one wakes up and is automatically excited about doing anything in life. It takes a lot of coffee, one good shit, and a shower before you’re ready to do anything in your day. If by some chance you were a morning person then that would be something noteworthy that you could mention that would surprise people and be new information. Saying you’re not a “morning person” is like going to a funeral and telling people you’re not a “mourning person.” No one likes mourning the dead just the same as no one likes waking up and going to work, but it’s part of life that we can’t avoid so you may as well just do it and shut the hell up. There’s nothing worse than people whining about universal problems that everyone faces. If you’re going to complain it had better be about something very specific that no one can relate to like a vestigial twin or having no ears.

Sleep is objectively a thousand times better than waking up and anyone who doesn't believe that is living a lie.

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