The Top 5 Things PROBABLY More Painful Than Childbirth

The act of childbirth, or having a brand new human push its way out of your body via the vaginal canal is widely considered the most severe pain a human being can endure. Now while I have never given birth to a child before, I have to say that seems like a bit of a stretch (if you pardon the pun). Surely there must be a few things more painful than childbirth. Childbirth is a fairly common thing, it’s how we all got here. The most painful things would have to be events that you didn’t willingly insert yourself into and things that are a little more unusual. Here are the top 5 things I believe to be more painful than childbirth:

5. Slathering your genitals in maple syrup and letting a pack of Honey Badgers out.
Think about this for a second, have you ever seen a honey badger? It’s basically a ferret who works out a lot loaded on pure unadulterated Meth. Facing just one in hand-to-paw combat would be difficult enough. Now add in several of them, enough to form a pack. Then further enrage them by coating your nutsack or vagina in a sweet syrup and imagine what would happen. At that point it goes from hand-to-paw combat to genitals-to-teeth combat. Guess who wins!

A honey badger won't hesitate to eat your asshole out like it's a Snack Pack pudding cup.

4. Putting your hands and feet into four industrial strength blenders.
So let’s say you hanging in a harness with your belly face down, hovering above the ground. Then someone puts industrial strength blenders that can crack through human bone over both your hands and both your feet. You’re trying to tell me childbirth is more painful than that? Again, I don’t know for sure, but come on…

Who wants a hand and foot puree?

3. Having molten metal poured into your eye sockets.
If you’re still in the mood for imagination time, try to imagine lying back flat on a table as someone pours liquid molten aluminum into your eye sockets. Or maybe you don’t want to imagine that! I don’t blame you! See that’s the thing, if you don’t want to imagine it then that’s probably a sign. I can imagine pushing a baby out of my asshole. I do it practically every time I come home after an all-you-can-eat buffet. Now, having melted steel burning its way through my eyeballs and into my boiling brain creating a die-cast molding of the inside of my skull, that’s something that hurts just to think about.

Eyes aren't supposed to sizzle.

2. “California Reaper” pepper suppository
The California Reaper pepper has won the Guinness World Record for hottest pepper on the face of the Earth at 2,200,000 Scoville heat units. To put it into perspective, that’s a little more than twice as powerful as the infamous Ghost Pepper. If you simply touch one without gloves on and then touch your eyes it will swell them shut so try to envision what would happen if you jammed one of these up your craphole. That’s not just “bad news” that’s the anal equivalent of 9/11. And you can bet that’s an inside job.

These don't even look suitable to eat much less put in your ass.

And the number one most painful thing that’s probably more painful than childbirth is...

1. Bathing nude in a pool of Bullet ants
The venomous sting of the bullet ant, native to South America is considered the most painful of all wasps, bees, and ants on the Schmidt sting pain index. Basically this guy Justin O. Schmidt gets stung on purpose by all sorts of insects and then ranks them. If the bullet ant is on the top of that lunatic’s list then that means a lot. I guarantee he wouldn’t want to bathe naked in a pool of those bastards. They’re called bullet ants because they feel like being shot by a gun. Now imagine being shot by a bullet over every square centimeter of your body. That SURELY has to be more painful than childbirth. Women give birth all the time. Some mothers claim that by the fourth baby you can hardly even feel it. Well I can say with certainty that a swarm of bullet ants stinging you all over probably hurts the same no matter how loose your vagina is. I wonder how many pregnant woman would shove a California Reaper up their ass and dive into a pool of bullet ants? At that point you’d be begging for someone to pour molten metal into your eyes and you’d wish the blenders and honey badgers could come help kill some of the ants.

Putting on gloves filled with bullet ants is where even crazy people draw the line.

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