Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Don’t We Put Microchips in Prisoners Yet?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
Yo, I keep hearing about how the government has this microchip technology and they’re putting the microchips in babies all secretively and shit so how come they don’t they just put microchips in people who go to jail? That way when murderers escape from prison in New York because a fat lady gave them tools they can just be found right away instead of out on the loose forever! Wouldn’t that be dandy? -- Marsha from Newport, Rhode Island

Dear Marsha:
Well right now the science shows that microchip technology is not yet safe for humans. You simply can’t put a microchip GPS transmitter in human flesh without it causing cancer or other health issues. Once they can figure out how to fix that I’m sure convicted murderers will have them as well as every newborn child. Maybe even some other type of tracking device like an ankle bracelet that couldn’t be removed would be a nice extra insurance measure for controlling prisoners. The fact is, inmates escape so rarely that any of these extra tactics are financially excessive and would further raise expenses for prisons. I don’t think prisons can afford anything like that at the moment so until then they’ll just let the occasional murderers escape and hope they smoke weed in public or something so they can be arrested immediately.

The microchips they put in dogs aren't GPS trackers, they contain information and are scanned when someone finds the dog. 

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