Ask McFartnuggets: “Can I Get Any Diseases From Drinking People’s Tears?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
I have kind of a strange fetish where I get aroused by consuming human tears. I’d rather not get into the specifics, suffice it to say I have my ways of procuring the tears from various “subjects.” What I mean to ask is if there is any risk of contracting diseases from the wrong person’s tears or is this totally safe and okay? Thanks in advance! -- Leonard from Valdosta, Georgia

Dear Leonard:
From what I’ve read, tears are generally safe to consume. The main virus you have to worry about catching through lacrimal fluids is Hepatitis. You can’t get HIV from tears. You can however get HIV from vaginal or anal tears. Tears meaning ruptures in the flesh, not the type of tears we’re talking about. I just wanted to clarify as there may be some confusion about this. I don’t wanna get a bunch of letters saying “Hey I got AIDS from a man’s butthole because you told me tears couldn’t spread it!” We are talking about tears NOT tears. Are we straight on this? Maybe that wasn’t the best term to use. You know what, forget it, let’s move on. Another virus that can spread through tears is Rabies. So I guess you should avoid drinking the tears of zookeepers or park rangers whenever possible. I don’t know if your bizarre plans have something to do with the wilderness, but if they do please be advised. Some people think drinking tears can raise your sodium intake, but since tears are only 0.9% sodium chloride which equates to about .03 milligrams of salt per tear drop you’d have to be drinking thousands upon thousands of teardrops to reach excessive sodium levels. I’d sincerely hope you’re not drinking THAT many tears.

Just make sure you're drinking 100% human tears. Don't trust that shit that comes out of those religious statues. God knows what that stuff is.

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