Ask McFartnuggets: "What's The Best Way To Keep From Crapping Your Pants?

You can find these pretty cheap
used on eBay.
Dear McFartnuggets: What's the best way to keep yourself from crapping in your pants when there's no toilet around? -- Miguel from Detroit

Dear Miguel:
I'm gonna be honest with you, there is no good way to keep from crapping your pants. It'd be nice if you could just eat things that make you constipated, but usually by the time you feel the urge to defecate, it's too late. The fact is, pooping is a natural act and fighting nature rarely works out for anyone. All you can hope for is a temporary victory. So how do you score a temporary victory when nature wants you to shit your pants? Here's what you'll need:

(1) Butt plug
(1) Roll of duct tape

What you need to do is insert the butt plug then use as much tape as you need to secure it over the anus hopefully creating a vacuum where no air can escape. It's crucial to create this vacuum otherwise this may not work. Now this works best when you have a solid dump coming. If you're dealing with liquid that makes an airtight vacuum that much more critical. Without that vacuum seal you’re going to have a gigantic mess on your pants. Please note that this is only a temporary solution. It’s going to feel very weird and you’ll need to get to a toilet ASAP to relieve the pressure. The human anus is not used to being plugged up like a clogged sink drain so you will feel a lot of discomfort. Once you’re on a toilet, make sure your entire ass is over the toilet before you pull the tape off. It’s best to rip it all off fast in one motion. If you pull it off correctly there should be a mild explosion of dookie in the toilet and you should have spotless undies. Do NOT flush the tape down the toilet. Toss the tape out in the garbage and you’re all set! Hope it works for you, Miguel. Though I will remind you I am not responsible for any physical harm this causes you. I can only tell you what works for me and hope you have similar results!

Send any questions to me at PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and have a great life.

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