Ask McFartnuggets: "MFK: Darth Vader, A Human Corpse, Garfield The Cat"

Adding a corpse to the mix is always a wildcard.
Dear McFartnuggets: Darth Vader, a human corpse, Garfield the cat. You gotta marry one, fuck one, and kill one. What do you do? -- Catherine from Rhode Island

Dear Catherine:
Okay let's break this down... 

Darth Vader: evil Jedi master. Probably not a great person to live with. I could kill him, but then who would save Luke Skywalker from the Emperor? And while a penile force choke situation is only incidentally gay, sex isn't really an option.

A human corpse. Illegal to marry. I wouldn't want that smelly sack of decomposing flesh laying next to me in bed, but I can't kill it either because it's already dead. And of course as we all know, necrophilia is a serious crime especially in public.

Garfield the Cat, wisecracking funny cartoon feline. Funny, but lazy. He seems like a high maintenance spouse, plus I can't cook lasagna so that wouldn't last very long. Then to top it all off it's not yet legal to marry animals in America. I don't want to kill Garfield because I think he's a cool dude. That being said I certainly don't want to fornicate with him.

So of those three if I have to marry one, fuck one, and kill one I'd probably have to marry Garfield, fuck the corpse, and kill Darth Vader.

I'd marry Garfield even though Jon would probably be pissed. Fortunately, marriages don't usually entail sex so I wouldn't be engaging in any cartoon bestiality. We'd be more like same-sex, different-species companions. Totally platonic. Occasionally we'd snuggle. That actually doesn't sound so bad.

I'd sex the corpse because you've basically forced me to here. It is not my desire to have relations with a deceased individual. I can't stress that enough, but let's say I chose to fuck Darth Vader instead. Then I'd have to marry a corpse and kill Garfield and no way I'm doing that. I'll have to take my chances with the corpse and hope it used to be a lingerie model very recently. Fortunately I don't take very long so that's a plus for once.

And yes I'd have to kill Darth Vader. I know, that's easier said than done. I'm not exactly sure how I'd kill him. Maybe I could just follow him around in the Death Star during that final battle in "Return of the Jedi" and hide in a closet. Then when he threw the Emperor down the well and took his mask off I could run up and stab him in the throat or something. The only thing is, Luke would probably be pissed and kill me leading him to the dark side. That would kinda suck, but since it was the last episode I'm sure there would be later episodes where Han Solo and Princess Leia could reign him in and convert him back to goodness so the galaxy wouldn't be doomed. Either way that'd be fun for other people to watch so that's really my only choice.  Thanks for the question, Catherine.

Send questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and I'll try answering them the best I can.

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