Dumbass Sayings: “Food Baby”

When people eat a lot and their belly becomes distended sometimes they call that a “food baby.” This is a really weird term for a few reasons. First off, the full human digestion process only takes around 24 hours. That’s a very short labor term. That’s a an 8 hour trimester. If a real baby was crapped out only a day after it started developing, it would have about as much of a chance to survive outside the vagina as an actual piece of feces, but that’s the only thing food babies and real babies have in common. Unless you’ve been insanely constipated, a doctor will not pull a food baby out of your butthole. Unless you ate a lot of Taco Bell, your “water” should never break. I hope to god you never have a food baby with an umbilical cord connected to it or have a food placenta fall out of your ass too. Obviously you could never have a silent birth. And of course, no one spanks your food baby on the ass, wraps it up in a blanket and hands it to you. Calling it a “food baby” created a disturbing “link” between babies and poop. A real mother would never drop her baby in a toilet. If you’re unprepared to raise your food baby properly make sure to give it up for adoption. Do the right thing.

If you eat placenta just make sure not to have too much, you wouldn't want a baby food baby.

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