5 Helpful Tips Before Giving Birth To A Food Baby

By now we’ve all heard the term “food baby” used to describe a large portion of digested food that causes distension of the belly and looks like a fully developed fetus. When you impregnate yourself with a food baby, the pregnancy will generally last around 24 hours before birthing pains begin and you go into full labor. Before this magical moment you will need to prepare for a successful birth. Here are the top 5 things to keep in mind before your “water” breaks:

1. Avoid spicy foods

Spicy foods can irritate your digestion and lead to a premature food baby. That's not good. The food baby will likely come out deformed with developmental issues. Not to mention the birthing process will be very painful. You may need to apply a local anesthesia.

Taco Bell can be a great way to induce food baby birth.

2. If the food baby is too big you may want to find a midwife.

If you're struggling with a giant food baby then it helps to have someone with you to hold your hand and say supportive things to give you the strength to have a great birth.

There's never a good reason to have an old lady that close to your squatter.

3. Don't waste your time with a silent birth.

When it comes to birthing a food baby some people think it's important to be as silent as possible to avoid disturbing the baby. I say forget all that. Make all the noises you want. A lot of the noise of food baby birth are farts which help the baby slide out.

Hopefully you don't have an arm growing out between your titties.

4. Take lamaze classes.

Taking a lamaze class before birthing a food baby is very helpful. Nailing down a nice breathing technique is key to a successful food baby birth. It's just important not to tell people you're at their lamaze class to prepare for a food baby. They may take offense to that.

Not sure what's happening here... Not sure I want to know.

5. Do NOT eat the placenta.

Some people think it's healthy to eat the placenta after a birth. Well when you're dealing with a food baby birth that is definitely not the case. You will likely get very sick consuming any of the "afterbirth."

Food baby aftermath is never a pretty sight.

So there you have it, follow these five tips and you’re very likely to have a successful food baby birth. Congratulations on the pregnancy and GOOD LUCK!

You must be so proud! Congratulations on the food baby!

Dumbass Sayings: “Food Baby”

When people eat a lot and their belly becomes distended sometimes they call that a “food baby.” This is a really weird term for a few reasons. First off, the full human digestion process only takes around 24 hours. That’s a very short labor term. That’s a an 8 hour trimester. If a real baby was crapped out only a day after it started developing, it would have about as much of a chance to survive outside the vagina as an actual piece of feces, but that’s the only thing food babies and real babies have in common. Unless you’ve been insanely constipated, a doctor will not pull a food baby out of your butthole. Unless you ate a lot of Taco Bell, your “water” should never break. I hope to god you never have a food baby with an umbilical cord connected to it or have a food placenta fall out of your ass too. Obviously you could never have a silent birth. And of course, no one spanks your food baby on the ass, wraps it up in a blanket and hands it to you. Calling it a “food baby” created a disturbing “link” between babies and poop. A real mother would never drop her baby in a toilet. If you’re unprepared to raise your food baby properly make sure to give it up for adoption. Do the right thing.

If you eat placenta just make sure not to have too much, you wouldn't want a baby food baby.