The Top 5 Alternatives to Leaving Out Milk and Cookies For Santa

Imagine if Santa is lactose
intolerant.

Leaving out milk and cookies for Santa Claus on Christmas Eve is as mandatory as hanging up stockings by the fireplace and getting shitfaced on eggnog, but have you ever wondered if there’s an alternative? Who says you have to leave out milk and cookies specifically? Did Santa ever request that explicitly? It’s not a concrete rule here so why not get a little creative and spice things up a little! Here are the top 5 alternative things to leave out for Santa on Christmas Eve:

5. A thank you card

How about instead of milk and cookies just a nice thank you card? Kids are always sending out letters to Santa telling him how good they’ve been and what they want for Christmas, but how many stop to thank Santa for what he does? Christmas is such a self-centered holiday. Everyone wants things from Santa and they think some cookies and milk and being a good person is enough to warrant expensive electronics? Leaving out a heartfelt thank you card to Santa for all he does would certainly put a smile on that jolly bastard’s face. He spends all this time making us smile, why not return the favor once in awhile?

I know Santa doesn't have much time to feel emotions, but I'm sure he'd take an extra second or two.

4. A gift for Mrs. Claus

I just got done talking about how no one thanks Santa, but how about Mrs. Claus? She’s the one behind the scenes keeping her husband jolly all year around when he’s away from his job. If it wasn’t for him he’d just be some sad old fat man with his army of dwarf slaves living alone. Why not leave a necklace or some kind of small gift for Mrs. Claus that Santa can bring back and either say it’s from him or say it’s from the people he’s giving presents to. Maybe she’s been questioning why he does all this for so many ungrateful people and that gift would make her think twice about convincing Ol’ Saint Nick to retire.

It doesn't have to be fancy, just a random handful of crystals and gemstones would be nice.

3. Money

Hopefully the gifts that Santa brings you aren’t cheap, however they are free to you. Perhaps people should exercise a “Pay what you want” system on Christmas Eve. You obviously don’t need to pay full price, but throw a twenty on the table for Santa for godsake. Even though he has no use for money, surely he can use it to tip his elves. Lord knows they don’t get paid jack shit. If we all pitched in even just a dollar per home those sweatshop elves could feel like their work is worth something.

Santa doesn't ask for gratuity, but that's because he's too proud. 

2. A steak

When you think about all the milk and cookies Santa eats you have to figure he gets bored of them around 20 to 30 houses in. Halfway through the night eating those cookies and drinking that milk has to become almost torturous. Think about it. I know he’s obese, but Jesus… Having to eat millions of cookies and gallons of milk while trying to work quickly and silently? That’s so crazy the CIA wouldn’t even adopt that into their interrogation practices. Fry up a damn sirloin for Santa and give him a decent meal for once.

It doesn't have to be Filet Mignon, but at least offer a real meal.

And the number one alternative to leaving out milk and cookies for Santa is..

1. Metamucil

The other major issue that arises when eating so much milk and cookies has to be constipation. I know no one wants to face this, but it’s simply a gastrointestinal inevitability. After millions of gallons of milk and all the chocolate in those chocolate chip cookies, Santa’s intestines must be absolutely packed to capacity with coal-like feces. Is that what we want for our Christmas hero? Let’s help him out and leave some Metamucil or other fiber supplement to help him push those rocks out at the end of the night so maybe he can have a holly jolly Christmas.

Yeah I'll bet you thought that was coal in your stockings this whole time...

I can't even imagine the post-Christmas enema the elves have to administer Santa. It must make him regret everything.

Sending Santa Claus a Gift For Christmas

If you're a person with any heart whatsoever you've wondered how come no one ever sends Santa a gift on Christmas? I mean this guy is out there every year busting his ass to make people's dreams come true for nothing and all we do is give him cookies and milk? Are you serious? How do you think this guy feels getting all these letters from kids non-stop just asking him for shit that he really doesn't know they deserve or not (let's face it they probably don't). It's all take take take from Santa and that's just wrong. It's only a matter of time before Santa wises up to how we're treating him and either snaps or decides enough is enough. So here are some ideas for gifts you can send to the North Pole before Christmas so Santa can enjoy them before it starts getting really busy up there:


1). Diet pills.

We all know Santa has a tough time keeping his weight down and while most diet pills don't work it's nice to at least show your concern and let him know his weight is an obvious concern to all the people of the world.

That's a big ass pill.

2). Exercise equipment.

A more pro-active gift to give Santa to help him out with his obesity is exercise equipment like a Bowflex or Total Gym. Of course the only negative to this is the shipping costs can become rather exorbitant.

Sometimes the best gift is good health.

3). Caffeine pills/energy drinks.

Traveling all over the world in one night probably takes a lot out of someone so I'm sure Santa would appreciate an extra boost. This would also help him move a little faster which means you get your presents faster so it's a bit of a selfish gift, but still nice.

Even Santa's fat ass needs a kick once in awhile.

4). Jewelry.

Jewelry is really a rare commodity at the North Pole since the majority of people asking for gifts are children and they could give a rat's ass about diamond rings, bracelets, and necklaces. The only people who ever ask for nice jewelry on Christmas are women who are about to be engaged or are already engaged to be married and in that case the jewelry will be coming from the fiance or husband. No one ever gets a diamond ring with a card that says "From Santa" and if they do then they should be marrying Santa. Giving jewelry to Santa would allow him to regift it to Mrs. Claus without her knowing and help strengthen their bond because God knows they need it after all these years. You know she can't be feeling as appreciated as she is and we wouldn't want her to file for a separation and send Santa spiraling into a life-threatening depression.

How come this dude gets to look like a pimp and not Santa?

5). BBQ Ribs.

As we've mentioned before, Santa is a fan of food so what better gift to give him than some nice frozen BBQ ribs to enjoy in his spare time. This is also probably the best gift to send Santa considering there is a slight chance the package could get lost somewhere along the line in which case it can become food for starving polar bears. There's no way to lose with this one.

Help bring Christmas to Santa for once in your life.

Hopefully this list has given you some ideas on how to make Santa's Christmas a little more jolly. Even if you don't get him a gift a simple card simply expressing "Happy Holidays" without immediately requesting shit would be welcomed I'm sure. The least you can do is write back a thank you letter for Christ sake.