1). Diet pills.
We all know Santa has a tough time keeping his weight down and while most diet pills don't work it's nice to at least show your concern and let him know his weight is an obvious concern to all the people of the world.
|That's a big ass pill.|
2). Exercise equipment.
A more pro-active gift to give Santa to help him out with his obesity is exercise equipment like a Bowflex or Total Gym. Of course the only negative to this is the shipping costs can become rather exorbitant.
|Sometimes the best gift is good health.|
3). Caffeine pills/energy drinks.
Traveling all over the world in one night probably takes a lot out of someone so I'm sure Santa would appreciate an extra boost. This would also help him move a little faster which means you get your presents faster so it's a bit of a selfish gift, but still nice.
|Even Santa's fat ass needs a kick once in awhile.|
Jewelry is really a rare commodity at the North Pole since the majority of people asking for gifts are children and they could give a rat's ass about diamond rings, bracelets, and necklaces. The only people who ever ask for nice jewelry on Christmas are women who are about to be engaged or are already engaged to be married and in that case the jewelry will be coming from the fiance or husband. No one ever gets a diamond ring with a card that says "From Santa" and if they do then they should be marrying Santa. Giving jewelry to Santa would allow him to regift it to Mrs. Claus without her knowing and help strengthen their bond because God knows they need it after all these years. You know she can't be feeling as appreciated as she is and we wouldn't want her to file for a separation and send Santa spiraling into a life-threatening depression.
|How come this dude gets to look like a pimp and not Santa?|
5). BBQ Ribs.
As we've mentioned before, Santa is a fan of food so what better gift to give him than some nice frozen BBQ ribs to enjoy in his spare time. This is also probably the best gift to send Santa considering there is a slight chance the package could get lost somewhere along the line in which case it can become food for starving polar bears. There's no way to lose with this one.
|Help bring Christmas to Santa for once in your life.|
Hopefully this list has given you some ideas on how to make Santa's Christmas a little more jolly. Even if you don't get him a gift a simple card simply expressing "Happy Holidays" without immediately requesting shit would be welcomed I'm sure. The least you can do is write back a thank you letter for Christ sake.