Dear Herman: Polar bear style. The way you do it is one of the woman or clown, or pirate, or whatever it is you do, lays like the polar bear in this drawing, they put on sunglasses and drink from a glass Coca-Cola bottle. Why is it the best? Because it's nostalgic, fun, and cute all at the same time. What more out of intercourse does any human or polar bear want? Sometimes I like to enhance it by placing my stuffed animal seal collection around in the van, pointing them toward us so it's like they're watching. When you're done make sure to go "AHHH" like you just took a big drink from a refreshingly fizzy soft drink and give a thumbs up to the camera.
|Artist depiction of "Polar Bear Style"|
Dear McFartnuggets: People always be talkin about "Flying Saucers", but what kind of "Sauce" do you think is in dem? -- Elbert Bitchsniffles III from Millwood, Oregon
Dear Elbert: Okay clearly you're playing a prankaroonie here. Everyone knows flying saucers are only called that because they look sort of like spinning plates. There's not actually a sauce inside UFOs. Actually, I don't know that for a fact. Maybe there is a sauce that is responsible for an anti-gravitational field that allows them to fly and travel through space. My best guess would be marinara sauce because it's thick enough to create momentum as it's spinning and also it's zesty which would give the spacecraft an extra kick. Perhaps the aliens use herbs and spices from their own planet that create the special light speed capabilities. Perhaps they spin the UFO like a pizza dough, then add the sauce and use shredded space cheese to slow it down. Maybe the only reason they ever arrive in our atmosphere is so they can bake the pizza. Perhaps our planet one of the only places in the universe conducive to giant pizza baking and that would explain why they never make contact, they just hang out floating there and then disappear when the timer goes off. I'm pretty sure that's what's happening.
|Only Xenu knows what delicious concoctions they're cooking up in those spinning bastards!|