Dear McFartnuggets: "Arizona Iced Teas Banned By Bloomberg?" and "My Life is Consumed By Phobias"

Dear McFartnuggets: I live in New York City and I recently learned that because the proposed soda ban will make anything sugary above 16 fluid ounces that will include Arizona iced teas because those are 23 ounces. This is bollocks, mate! I practically live on those damn things! And you know what? If they are banned, I'm just going to switch to beer which will make me an alcoholic... again and beer will be even worse for my waistline! I can't let that happen. I can't relapse! Any suggestions? -- Mikey from Brooklyn

Dear Mikey: Don't worry, it doesn't appear that this stupid ban will ever get put through. There's just no way to adequately enforce it, plus it's dumb to begin with as you just mentioned. With no sugary beverages, people are more likely to turn to alcohol or smack for their high and that's way worse. However, if by some chance the ban does get put into play and it is enforced you can always go buy your Arizona teas in New Jersey and smuggle them into New York City. I know those Arizona cans are huge, but with a little practice and a lot of lube you'll still be incredibly uncomfortable but it could work. The ironic thing is the fatter you are the easier it is to smuggle giant sodas in your ass. It's probably best if you let a woman help you since the vagina can expand. I saw this one lady stick a leaf blower up there once, but I digress. I sincerely hope it doesn't come to that, but I wish you the best and tell your wife to start exercising NOW just in case.


Dearest McFartnuggets: I've developed so many phobias over the years I don't know what to do anymore. I've spent countless hours in therapy discussing my issues and even started taking medication, but I can't get over my fear of clowns, midgets, nipples, fat people, gays, guns, knives, hair, Hispanic people, death, long words, and getting cancer. Please help me! -- Dana from Sploogefold, Ohio

Dear Dana: Wow, that is quite a list. So basically what you're saying is if you found an Obese homosexual Mexican midget clown with hairy nipples pointing a gun at you with one hand and a knife in the other while repeating the word "Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis" over and over again you'd have a heart attack and shit in your pants? It's clear that your fears are all tied together. Everyone knows the key to defeating your fears is to face them so I think the only way you'll ever truly get over your phobias is to find this fat, gay, Hispanic, dwarf, clown, with hairy nipples, a gun, and a knife and have them say a bunch of long words right in your face until you're no longer scared. The only negative to this is if indeed such a person exists, they're most likely mentally unstable and will probably kill you so, in a way, your fears are completely warranted. Which means they're not real phobias because phobias are classified as the unnatural fear of things. Thanks for writing in!

Don't spill your bowl of jizz.

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