Ask McFartnuggets: "Homeless Lady Took Her Tampon Out on the Bus" and "My Upstairs Neighbor is a Professional Tap Dancer"

Dear McFartnuggets: While riding the bus to work the other day I saw what appeared to be a homeless woman sitting in the back corner of the bus pulling out a brown tampon from her coochie and lord did it smell awful! I had to get off the damn bus right then and there! Have you ever seen anything like that before? Why would someone do that? Bitch must be cray! -- Peter from Seattle

Dear Peter: How immature can you be? She was just removing a used tampon the way everyone else does. Just because you're homeless doesn't mean your vagina dies and stops working. I'm glad you brought this up though because a lot of people don't realize that. Most people think when a woman is homeless for long enough her period blood dries up and makes cocoon hatch over her vulva and seals it for the rest of her life or something and that's completely untrue. The homeless vagina keeps on going and that means homeless women need tampons and maxi pads. Because they're so expensive these days and a hobo woman is more likely to spend any money you give her on food or booze it's important to donate feminine products to your local homeless shelter. Yeah it's embarrassing to buy tampons in the store, but just let everyone know you're buying them for a homeless woman and let them know they ought to be doing the same damn thing. We need to make a difference, people!

Dear McFartnuggets: I live on the fifth floor of an apartment building and the tenant above me makes a huge racket all the time. I went upstairs to confront him like a man and it turns out he's a professional tap dancer. He says he needs to practice four hours every day. I really want him to stop, but at the same time, it's the dude's profession. I don't know how do deal with this. Lately I've just been playing my iPod whenever he starts up, but I resent the fact I have to do that. Should I complain to the landlady? -- Tad from Chicago

Dear Tad: The fact of the matter here is that you're dealing with someone who's making the noise because of their livelihood. What I would do is see if you can arrange a schedule where he practices at hours while you're not home. Just be glad you don't know morse code because that would be the ultimate curse. My grandpa knew Morse Code from the war and he would claim there were voices telling him to do weird things. We all thought he was just crazy and losing his mind, but shortly after he passed away and we were clearing out his apartment we heard tapdancing upstairs and it turned out... Wait a minute. You're from Chicago? On the fifth floor? That was the floor my grandpa lived on... Jesus Christ you live in my grandpa's old apartment! WOW! That's insane! That bastard is still tapdancing up there?! I've always felt a grudge against that guy, but I never did anything about it. You know what? Tell the landlady and get that piece of crap evicted! Screw him!

At least these prostitutes had the decency to practice in a gymnasium!
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