Ask McFartnuggets: "Getting Someone Without Legs to Take Their Shoes Off" and "Why Do Swiss Guards Look Like Court Jesters?"

Dear McFartnuggets: My daughter had one of her friends over who is a boy who has no legs. Instead of legs he has these metal poles with tennis sneakers attached to the bottoms. The rule in my house is no shoes on the carpeting, but without the shoe attachments this boy cannot walk. I didn't know what to do so I had him take off his metal legs and crawl around which I felt bad about at the time, but he has no legs so he's very adept at traveling around on his hands. Did I do the right thing? -- Jerena from Baltimore

Dear Jerena: It is your house and it is your rules, but I think you may have gone in the wrong direction on this one. People with disabilities are just like the rest of us, but certain concessions should be made. I think the appropriate course of action in this case would be to give him a pair of clean shoes of yours to install onto his metal poles, if that's possible. Otherwise have him put bags over his shoes or even clean them off for him before he steps inside. I wouldn't have the boy walking around on his palms if it wasn't absolutely necessary. And if the object is keeping your carpet clean, how does a boy walking around with his dirty ass hands help this? What if he and your daughter had buffalo wings for a snack? Think about it!

Dear McFartnuggets: What is the dealio with those Swiss Guards that defend the Catholic church in Rome? They look like harlequins or court jesters! I can't imagine them beating anyone's ass. I almost want to come at the Pope just to have those dudes beat my ass so it can at least be caught on tape because I think that would look funny. -- Nedren from Piscatoon, Louisiana

Dear Nedren: I would highly advise against attacking the Pope. Make no mistakes about it, despite the fact those guards look like rejected Batman villains, they will whoop the crap out of your ass. They are trained like Navy SEALs and they use their hilarious costumes to lead their opponents into a false sense of confidence. A long time ago they realized that it's much easier to beat someone's ass if they're busy half laughing at your costume. These are deadly warriors and you can't judge a guard by its Halloween costume.

That spear will kill your ass no matter how hilarious the person stabbing you with it looks.
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