13 Horrible Condom Alternatives

Let's be honest, a lot of the time romances occur when both people are under the influence of drugs and when that's the case, judgement is highly impaired. Most people will not use any prophylactics, but sometimes people will want to and not be able to find any real ones so they try to improvise. This is where things can get dangerous and weird. There's not much you can do to prevent this scenario from occurring, but you can remove the following items from your car so that they're not possible to use:

1). Plastic grocery bag.

This is a popular condom alternative and it works sometimes, but it's not very comfortable and you really have to question the cleanliness of a bag that's been sitting around in a grocery store all day.

2). Paper grocery bag.

Much worse than a plastic grocery bag in terms of comfort and efficacy. Of course the sperms can leak through the bag and moisture will lead to tearing.

3). Wool sock.

You should never use socks as condoms because of the way the fabric breathes and of course wool is very coarse and will lead to burns.

Yeah, that's not going to work.
 4). Hollowed out dildo.

This is a controversial choice. If you're going to use a dildo condom make sure it's made specifically for that purpose, don't just scoop out dildo insides with a fork and think that's good enough.

5). Rubber party balloon.

You might think that because you can make balloon animals out of condoms you can make balloon animals into condoms, but the material isn't the same at all.

6). Those metallic party balloons.

Using those shiny silver party balloons instead of a condom rarely works and usually they have children's TV show characters on them which makes it extra creepy. No one needs to see Spongebob or Dora the Explorer when love is going down.

7). Poland Spring water bottle.

Poland Spring bottles are poor choices due to the discomfort it will cause both participants and it's also embarrassing if you're using a Marco Rubio type bottle.

8). Beer can.

You're going to want to use what's around you and that's most likely empty cans of beer. You can cut the top off and try to mold it around your penis, but this will result in a lot of cuts and bleeding which is ultimately the opposite effect you're looking for.

9). Reynolds Wrap.

Reynolds Wrap is one of the most trusted brands of aluminum foil, but there's a reason condoms aren't made from metal. If you've ever chewed on aluminum foil then just imagine what it can do to human genitals, BAD NEWS.

I cut off a piece so you can see just how sharp a jagged edge of tin foil can get when used as a condom.
10). Glass laboratory beaker.

If you're a smart person you probably have a few test tubes or beakers lying around your van, but glass is always the wrong choice. Even if the fit is perfect, there's always the chance the Pyrex glass will shatter and that could lead to some serious medical emergencies.

11). Old Slim Jim wrapper.

The good folks at Slim Jim never intended their product to be used as a condom alternative and the frilled ends that allow for easy tearing cause some serious vagina irritation.

12). Mini M&M's tube.

I'm not even sure they make Mini M&M's anymore, but the tube is not a great thing to use as a condom because the flip top gets in the way. Even if you decide to cut if off, it's still pretty uncomfortable.

13). The bag you get with a goldfish inside from a state fair.

I cannot condone the use of this as a condom because it results in the death of a goldfish. I know you're trying to prevent life by using prophylactics, but if you're taking one then it all evens out and there's no point at all.
Even weird ass old cartoon people knew the importance of testing out condoms by blowing them up like balloons.
Of course there are way more horrible alternatives to condoms out there, but I'm just mentioning the ones that I've had negative experiences with personally in the hopes that someone will read this and benefit from my mistakes.


  1. I think plastic grocery bags are not a good idea as alternative for condoms.

    --Ryan| sex toys Philippines

  2. lol, a beer can?

  3. small spice bottle... I do have a tiny penis.... my Ex loved me doing this as she could feel somthing..

  4. ballon is tight and sexy tho