Ask McFartnuggets: "I'm I Too Old to Have a Stuffed Animal?" and "I'm Afraid to Eat Horse Meat"

Dear McFartnuggets: I'm a 34-year-old business professional and for years now my family has been pestering me about my stuffed animal collection. They say it's immature and disturbing, but I can't help myself I love all my stuffed animals as if they were children and I have absolutely no plans of ever giving them up. Sometimes I even take a few of them out with me to lunch or dinner and from what I've been told it makes my family embarrassed, but I don't feel any of that, I'm always too caught up in my stuffed animals to notice. I've had my wife threaten to sell them or even throw them out and the thought of that sends me into panic attacks and I feel really nauseas and sick. So I'm asking you, should I get rid of my stuffed animals, or my family? -- Pete from Blueball, Ohio

Dear Pete: I don't think you should have to make this difficult decision between the loves of your life and your family. But if you feel like that's the only way you can live with a healthy mind and soul then I would suggest you move on with what you love best. You have to sit down and ask yourself, how would you feel if your family went missing and disappeared for the rest of your life. Then compare that feeling to how you would feel if all your stuffed animals disappeared. If the answer is you would feel much worse then you need to start selling off your stuffed animals, but if the answer is you wouldn't feel that bad then it might be time to leave your family behind and pursue a much fuller, complete relationship with your stuffed animals. In a way the stuffed animals are your family already so it wouldn't be a huge change to get used to. Whatever you do, make sure that your happiness is taken into account above all else, then consider the happiness of your stuffed animals, and after that consider how it makes your family feel. That's how I've always led my life and so far it's been working great!

Dear McFartnuggets: I'm getting pretty worried about all this talk about horsemeat in people's food. Is there any chance the horse meat has gotten to America? I'm starting to avoid places like KFC because they're in Kentucy where the Kentucky Derby is and Subway because they serve 5 Dollar Footlongs. I don't wanna be the first person to discover horsemeat there! -- Tedward in Eugene, Ohio

Dear Tedward: That would be a pretty controversial Subway diet, but I think it could work. Horse meat is very lean so it would be pretty good to eat if you were trying to lose weight. Considering that, I don't think it would be the worst thing in the world if more horse meat was incorporated into the American diet. That might be the real trick to fighting obesity in this country. Forget making big sodas illegal and encouraging extreme exercise and weird diets, just start slipping more lean, low fat horse meat into people's Big Macs, chicken strips, and cheese steaks. It's just crazy enough to work! And yeah some people will be outraged and disgusted, but how upset can you be when you find out eating horse is the reason you DON'T have diabetes and can finally fit into that skimpy summer bathing suit you've had your eye on for months? I'm guessing not very.
Horse meat doesn't look THAT bad.
Send questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and double check your footlong sausages before diving in.

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