Ask McFartnuggets: "Should I Dye My Butt Hair?" and "Why Do Hot Women Never Go Outside in the Morning?"

People making red ass dye.

Dear McFartnuggets: I have red hair and I can't count the number of times people have asked me if the carpet matches the drapes. It does! The only problem is the back carpet for some reason doesn't. This might not seem like a big deal to you, but I like to moon people a lot and it's kind of embarrassing to show people my jet black butt hair when they're expecting to see a firey phoenix brush fire coming out of my bum hole. The big problem with this is I'm not 100% sure on how to dye my butt hair, I'm afraid it might be dangerous and no one else is willin to help me so it'll be a solo mission. Do you think it's worth it? -- Nikesha in Wilmington

Dear Nikesha: The trick to dyeing your ass hair is focus and discipline. Once you apply the bleaching agents to your anal hair you're going to need to stand perfectly straight without sitting or making any sudden moves. You really want to limit the exposure to the dyes otherwise you could have a permanently stained anus for years completely defeating the purpose of improving your butt's asspearance. If you feel confident enough in your ability I say go for it, of course it would be best to have someone help you even if it's someone you have to hire on Craigslist. If possible, check their asshair coloring credentials on Angie's List first. You'd be surprised at the quality of help you can find these days with the job market being so rough. Anyway good luck with all of that, I hope it works out for you.


Dear McFartnuggets: I work at a job where my hours are 2-10 A.M. and in the time I've been working there for a year now I have maybe seen one attractive woman on the streets walking by. What is it about women that makes them never come outside in the early morning? Are they hibernating or something? I know it's not a prime time to be outside going about your business, but I see men and ugly women pass by all the time. What gives? -- Steve from New York

Dear Steve: It's a widely accepted notion that beautiful women only appear outdoors between the hours of noon and 11 PM. The reason for this is quite simple, if you're a beautiful woman, you probably don't have a night job or a regular 9 to 5. You might not even have a real job because you're being supported by a rich guy so there's really no reason for you to ever be outdoors until around 1 PM. The other reason is you're busy putting on makeup and all that crap. Everyone knows women take forever to get ready so maybe they intend to leave the house at 7 AM, but by the time everything's done it's 2 PM. Also, if a hot chick actually reaches a scenario where she needs to go out at 5 AM for some reason she'll usually get a guy to go for her. Some believe that maybe a hot chick will go outside during these hours in an emergency, but they won't put on makeup and they'll wear normal clothing so no one perceives them as hot. It's possible, but of course there's no way to confirm or deny this. The ultimate reason for all of this hibernation is that night hours and early morning are not the best time for hot chicks to be outside because those are prime times for sexual assault. There has to be a hot chick handbook somewhere that states you should flock together in groups and never go outside before noon unless it's to get to your place of work. If beautiful women did somehow decide to act normal and you saw them in a subway station at 5 AM they wouldn't be beautiful for much longer, because some hobo would attack them. It's all a clever plan for survival.

You won't see Grace Kelly out at a bus stop at 5 AM! Mostly because she's been dead for several decades, but also because that's not how mad fly bitches roll.

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